TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #5

Jul
2008

Hot:

Name: Sam
Age: 32
Location: Denver, CO

Dear Ladies,

I know this may be a little off topic, but I respect the advice you’ve given out thus far and am hoping for some of the same.

My sister and I are very close. A few years ago she got pregnant and got married. My nephew is five now and I love him dearly. What I can’t stand is my brother-in-law.

He thinks he knows everything. He never helps my sister around the house. When I visit I can’t even bare speak to him.

I have shared these feelings with my sister in a round about way. However that hasn’t cured my loathing for this guy. I honestly don’t understand what my sister sees in him.

My question is this. How do I deal. Do I just not speak to him? Do I fake it to keep the peace? Do I confront him on my opinions?

I know that hate is a strong word, but I’m not afraid to use it. I just worry that one of these days I will speak my mind and lose my sister in the process.

Awaiting your guidance,

Sam

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Sam,

So many questions. But, I’m going to address this as stated and leave out those questions and assume there is no abuse.
The bottom line is: Has your sister expressed a deep unhappiness? Marriage is tough, lots of people are not always happy at any given point in a marriage – and what is happiness anyway – only we know for ourselves. Raising children is tough. And, the old adage, only those in the marriage know the truth of the marriage is very true. Sometimes our vision of happiness for the one’s we love don’t match our own. And, you will need to do the adjusting.
Though it’s not the 1950s, women still carry an unfair burden of the housekeeping chores in America. If he’s not helping out around the house, you absolutely must leave this to your sister to deal with – it’s her home, her husband, and her life.
Assume she’s going to stay with this man. She saw something in him. Why don’t you, in a casual kind of way, start a conversation with something like, “Wow, you’ve made it XX of years, what’s your secret? I’ve always been meaning to ask you…what do you love about your guy?” with a great big, friendly smile on your face – even if you are clenching your teeth in your mind. Have her tell you what she sees in him and then try to look for that in him. You will have the greatest role in how this turns out because you are the one with the antipathy.
We all have the relative we can’t stand and if we are to be around the one we love who is connected with that person, we need to figure it out, quietly. Because if push came to shove, my guess is she’d choose her own family (husband and son) over anyone else. You don’t want that to happen.
For you: Dealing With Relatives (…even if you can’t stand them) : Bringing Out the Best in Families at Their Worst (Paperback); by Rick Brinkman
For her (if she says this is a problem): The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (Paperback); by Joshua Coleman and Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women (Paperback); by Michele Weiner-Davis

Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Sam -

A lot depends on the current situation. Does your sister know that you don’t like her partner? Or have you hidden your feelings for the last few years?

If she doesn’t know, it sounds like a good time to have a peaceful and respectful conversation with your sister. Don’t make it seem like a judgment on her or her choices/actions, but explain why he rubs you the wrong way, that you feel she’s a wonderful person, and that her and her son should always be treated with respect. See what she says. Ask what she thinks — does she think it would be better for you to avoid him, or to try and deal with him cordially?

Yes, this may cause some temporary and accidental fallout (although hopefully not), but really, it’s your sister that you love and are worried about, so make sure you’re talking with her. If you suddenly are around a lot less often, then it’s likely she may misinterpret it, and think you’re avoiding her. Communication is always key…so talk about it with the person who is at the center of your emotional conflict.

Best of luck!

Shanna

www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Sam,

Your brother-in-law sounds a lot like my own brother-in-law. Unfortunately, annoying relatives are par for the course. My mentor calls people like this “asshole angels”, because their rude behavior has the potential for making us better people.

So the question is how to spend time with your sister and nephew without going all ninja on your brother-in-law. And there is no right or wrong answer to that, provided that you not actually assault him, of course.

You state that you have mentioned this to your sister “in a round about way”. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell your sister your concerns. At the same time, don’t expect her to leave him, or for him to change his behaviors any time soon.

From that point, you have to decide how best to handle your relationship with your brother-in-law. It may be that you just hold your tongue when he’s around. Or you can choose to only spend time with your sister and nephew without him present. Just avoid violence and shouting matches. They accomplish nothing.

You also have another option. Work on letting go of your anger. Yeah, I know, not what you wanted to hear. Why should you have to change when he’s the one behaving like an asshole, right?

But you have to ask yourself, you much is your peace of mind worth to you? Would you rather be happy or miserable?

The reality is that you have no control over anyone else but you. You may have influence, but never control. So in order to successfully change the dynamic of the situation, you have little choice but to change how you see the situation. Our reaction to the situation has more to do with how we see things than the situation itself. Our anger feeds on itself, making the situation worse in our minds and driving us crazy.

I would suggest you take a little time each morning and sit in a quiet place. Picture your brother-in-law and say to yourself or the Universe or God (whatever works for you), “I’m willing to see this differently.” Repeat that phrase over and over in your mind.

You don’t even have to know how you would see things differently. You are just opening up to a different perspective, ideally a more peaceful and (dare I say) loving perspective.

What this does is change you. It changes your experience of the situation. It changes how you participate in the situation. Consequently, it changes the entire dynamic of the relationship, just as changing an ingredient in a recipe transforms the entire dish. The changes may be subtle at first, but as you keep doing this, the results will be there.

Trust the process, Sam.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Tina-cious

Hi Sam!

So your brother-in-law knows everything?? Ask him who is gonna win the next World Series. And don’t say the Red Sox.

All kidding aside…. who doesn’t hate a know-it-all? As for helping your sister around the house… well… in my experience with men… those who are helpful around the house are exception and NOT the rule.

I do get the feeling that there’s more to your dislike of him than you are letting on. Because, to be honest, those reasons are kinda chintzy. No offense n’ all.

In all — if you want to have a relationship with your sister — you’re gonna have to eat whatever dislike you have for her hubby. Unless you see him abuse her or their child in some way — be respectful and limit your interactions with him to keep the peace.

You don’t want to damage your relationship with your sister — or worse — risk your aunt-hood for some guy that works your nerves.

Play it cool and everything will be fine.

Truly,
Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Dear Sam,

I’m really close to my brother. He will be married two years this August to a girl that I honestly never imagined him with. It wasn’t that I knew the girl and never wanted them to end up together. It was more like I never imagined him with that “type” of girl. I’ve since gotten to know her and his love for her and respect their relationship. This, even though it’s not what I had imagined for him. Wow I feel like I’m digging myself in a hole should either of them ever read this.

What I have learned from the experience is that who my brother loves is not up to me. As long as your sisters relationship is built on love and trust, and there aren’t any harming circumstances, I think you’re best to bite the bullet. Ask yourself these questions. If you were in a relationship and your sister didn’t care for your partner would you want her to tell you? Would it change how you felt about the person you love?

Love blinds us to a lot of things. I’m sure you see things in your brother-in-law that your sister may see, but over looks due to her love for him. If you want to keep your sister in your life my suggestion would be to try to see your brother-in-laws good qualities and don’t focus so much on the bad. I’m not saying this will work, or make things better. All I’m saying is that I don’t know if the confrontation is worth the risk of losing your sister.

I wish you luck,

Kelly

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