thelesbianlifestyle.com

Memo to Dr. BUTThead:

I am your medical transcriptionist. I take your words and put them into your patients’ permenant medical records. I understand that English is not your first language and have overcome the barrier of deciphering your accent and disjointed syntax of expression, BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE WILL YOU PLEASE MOVE YOUR LIPS WHEN YOU TALK??? Also PLEASE figure out what the #)&%#(& you want to say before you “um, er, uh, ah” me to death. I get paid by the WORD. By the time you finally finish “dictating” a report I have “untyped” and re-typed twice as many words as you actually get on the page for the final report.

Oh, and if you are trying to pronounce a medication that you are not sure of, please SPELL IT. And spell it CORRECTLY. After all, YOU are the doctor, right? Don’t you WANT the information in your patient’s files to be correct?? YOU have actually seen the patient and spoken with him or her. I only type.

Thank you,

Grumpy Granny

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Memo to the young man down the street with the neon blue Mustang with no hood:
Dear BUTThead:

I am SO SORRY you feel your penis is so small that you have to have such a loud and thoroughly annoying car. I am SO SORRY that being behind me in the turn lane for 30 seconds makes you so enraged that you have to lay rubber on the road to get through the intersection when we end up side by side at the same red light, even though you blew past me at about 70 MPH 1/2 a mile back.

Hopefully, I won’t hear about your fiery death in a rollover accident anytime soon.

Thank you,

Grumpy Granny

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Memo to anyone who drives with a cell phone stuck in their ear:
Dear BUTTheads:

Hang the fuck up and DRIVE, for God’s sake. The “conversation” will wait until you can either pull into a parking lot or until you get home.

Thank you,

Grumpy Granny

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Memo to all cat lovers:

I am allergic and I don’t like them. I have difficulty feeling any kind of affection for an animal that will sit on your lap and purr for an hour, then for no reason at all hiss, and sink its claws 2 inches into your leg. No matter how “cute”, “smart”, or “dog-like” you say they are, the bottom line is that they WILL try to jump on me, and my eyes WILL swell shut if I touch them. In most ways, you are not buttheads, but in this regard, you are.

Thank you,

Grumpy Granny

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Memo to clueless shoppers:
Dear BUTTheads:

If you are standing in front of a rack of clothes, or a produce counter, or a deli counter, or a shoe rack, or a magazine rack, or the meat freezer, or the soup secion of the store, gazing off into space trying to remember what you ate for breakfast, and there is someone behind you quietly shifting from foot to foot, maybe looking like they are trying to see around you….MOVE out of the way! The person behind you wants whatever you are standing in front of, and if you’ve been there for 10 minutes and haven’t put it in your cart and left yet, you don’t need it anyway!

Thank you,

Grumpy Granny

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Memo to ALL political candidates:
Dear BUTTheads:

Please spend the money that you use for horrible, negative TV, radio, and print ads to bash your opponents to do something GOOD in the world, something USEFUL, perhaps even something KIND. Then you can run an ad to pat yourself on the back. That would be a lot more effective. OR, you could let the people you helped speak for you, which would be even better.

Thank you,

Grumpy Granny