Name: Lili
Age: 32
Location: KS

My g/f of 5yrs and I broke up 7 mos ago and at this point I am interested in dating again. I’m not looking for anything long term, just for the here and now. The problem is that I’ve been given conflicting advice from my friends. Two of my friends say, go for it-if you’re ready than go meet someone. Then the other two say I should wait to date at least 5yrs since thats how long my last relationship was…to give myself time to process things. Is that really necessary?

In my heart and mind it was over between us way before we broke up. Should I go with my gut? Should I follow the advice from friends and wait 5yrs? I’m tired of having unbalanced/unhealthy relationships…so I’m not sure who is right, me or them.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Dharma Kelleher

Lili,

There is no set timetable for how long to wait before jumping back into the dating scene. What matters isn’t so much the amount of time as what you do with that time. If you’ve had a series of “unbalanced/unhealthy relationships”, then odds are good that you have some issues to work through.

If, after a breakup, you spend your time actively working on your issues, then your next relationship will be better. If you just keep on doing the same old thing without working on your issues, it doesn’t matter whether you wait a week or ten years, the next relationship will be just like the last one.

Most problems in relationships ultimately boil down to feelings of self-worth. People with low self-worth are needy, selfish, controlling and destructive. People with high self-worth are generous, accepting of others and constructive. People with low self-worth sometimes try to fix others or give to others to the point of not taking care of themselves, and then become resentful when their own needs aren’t met. People with high self-worth know how to take care of themselves first so that they have more to offer others without becoming resentful.

Most importantly, we attract people into our lives who reflect our self-worth. People with low self-worth attract people who are abusive, controlling and/or destructive. People with high self-worth attract people who are respectful, loving and constructive. Like attracts like. To change who you attract, you have to change how you see yourself.

My suggestion is to not worry about relationships for now and to instead focus on finding out how to let go of any feelings of worthlessness you may have. Some people find a therapist can help with this. Other people turn to 12-Step programs (such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics) or to spirituality (which may or may not have anything to do with a religion). Meditation helps a lot of people of all religious and non-religious backgrounds. Seek out what speaks to you. But don’t be afraid to try new things. That’s important because if you continue to do the same thing, you will get the same results. Insanity, as they say, is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

As you continue to work on your own issues, the people that show up in your life will naturally change. As you get healthier emotionally and spiritually, the kind of people you attract will also be healthier. Eventually, someone will show up that will be totally unlike the people you’ve dated in the past. But don’t go looking for it right now. Just focus on becoming a better you.

You are worth loving. When you learn to embody that concept, you will find the relationship of your dreams.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Shanna Katz

Hey Lili -

When I was in high school, some “sage” friend (please note the quotation marks) told me to wait half the length of your last relationship before dating again (2.5 years in your case).  

But I think that’s silly.  I also think your friends’ advice is a little extreme. Wait 5 years? A hell of a lot can happen in 5 years!  I can’t imagine that.

Now, I’m not advocating breaking up with your partner (of any real length of time), and hopping back in the dating scene a week or two later.  That’s not healthy for you OR your future partners.  However, you also don’t need to cloister yourself up for any designated period of time.  As you said, you know when it feels right. granted, one time I thought I knew, and then on my next date, I realized I wasn’t totally over my ex, and took another month or two off to process. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. If you feel you’re ready, test the waters.  Put out your feelers, and head to singles nights at the dyke bar, or go on a date or two.  You’ll know pretty fast whether or not you’re ready to dive in again. If not, take some more time for yourself, and then try, try again. And if you are, voila! Just remember that you’re DATING.  You don’t have to have U-Haul on speed dial, and jump back into a LTR all over again.

And just think of all the amazing people you might miss if you shut yourself away for a full 5 years. No no my friend, that is silly.  Listen to yourself; no one understands you better than you!

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Lori Hahn

I know that after my first long-term relationship, I was ready to date too.  I’d processed it all long before I walked out.  I followed my gut and did date and had fun, but I absolutely did not get into another long term relationship for quite some time.
 
The average straight first marriage, for which there are statistics, lasts just over seven years.  So does the second.  I think that’s telling. 
 
Whatever we bring into the relationship is part of us and whatever we do to improve our chances to make the next long term relationship last is important.  Maybe that’s what your reticent friends are saying.  Maybe they are not worried that you haven’t processed, but that you are likely to repeat the same mistakes – fall too fast and leap too soon into something that really isn’t in your best interests  with someone wildly inappropriate which will land you right back into unhealthy/unbalanced, where you don’t want to be.
 
I am a huge advocate of therapy – just to understand self.  I go every so often, just for a “tune up” to reinforce positive behaviors and thinking.  Maybe you could try that out with a good therapist.  Good being the optimal word – if the first one isn’t, try again.  The benefits are boundless.
 
But, yeah, go date if your gut says to date.  Just remember those statistics before you get in too deep.

Hahn at Home

Tina-cious

Lili,
 
Who told you to wait the length of the relationship???  And is she related to your ex?? LOL
 
Girl — only you can answer this question.
 
Do you feel like you’re ready?
 
I often feel like at least ONE of the couple was over the relationship before it actually ended.  So you’ve probably already done “your time”.
 
Take it from someone who knows.
 
Go on git.  Find yourself a date! 
 
Truly,
Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Lili ~

No one can tell you the amount of time it should take to get over someone. I don’t believe theres a number you can put on such a thing. There are too many circumstance, too many variables. I can’t imagine someone telling you to wait 5 years. However I wouldn’t disagree with someone telling you to wait 5 months.

My suggestion would be not to rush into things. However since you said you were already over your ex long before it was offically over perhaps you have a head start on the matter. If you have met someone you are interested in be honest with them and yourself. I would ask myself if it felt right. Do I still think about my ex more than I should? If it feels right and you truly feel you are over your ex then get out there again. If these friends are real friends a timeline won’t matter. Your happiness should be all their worried about.

Cheers to love,

Kelly

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