Name: Becka
Age: 28
Location: NA

I have been with an older woman for a year and a half who has 2 adult children. The youngest, 21, is tearing us apart. My girlfriend supports her daughter financially and is looking for a second job because of it, which will take even more time away from me. I cannot spend any time with my girlfriend that is off limits to her daughter. No matter what we are “doing”, her daughter’s phone calls interrupt and she regularly ditches me for her daughter’s drama. The daughter is 21, but acts like a 12 year old. She always has some “major drama” that mom has to drop everything and run to take care of. I am head over hills in love, but I cannot continue fighting this battle and feeling like the “other woman”. Will I ever get any priority with this woman, or will I always be there just to fill the time in between her daughter’s calls and demands?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Tina-cious

Ohhhhhhhh Becka. 

You’re not gonna win this one.  Well no, let me be clear — not entirely.

But separating a mama from her child is impossible.

Even if mama is overboard with her child.  Ask my wife.

I have a hard time not jumping to the rescue for my kids all the time.  I defend them even when they are wrong.

You are on some REALLY shaky ground here but this is what you do.
Wait until there is a calm moment and you aren’t fighting about anything.  Calmly, respectfully and even apologetically talk to her about how this all makes you feel.  Forget kid gloves — you need infant gloves on this one.
Once you’ve respectfully said your peace, ask her what she would have you do because you can’t go on this way.

See what she says.

If it gets heated, abort and revisit.  Repeat.

Good luck!

Truly,
Tina-cious

Dharma Kelleher

Hi Becka,

It is a reality of life that sometimes we have to choose between two unpleasant options. It looks like it’s your turn to do that.

Based on what you shared, your girlfriend may have difficulties in setting boundaries with her kids, to the point were they are calling the shots. One term for that is codependency.

Unfortunately, you can’t do anything to change that. Encouraging her to stand up for herself or telling her to make you a priority over her kids isn’t going to produce the results you want. If anything, it will create more friction and more drama. You’d be better off putting yourself between an angry mother grizzly and her cub.

As I said at the beginning, you have a choice to make. You can either accept the relationship for what it is with all its drama or you can end the relationship and go on with your life. No right or wrong answers, just choices and consequences.

If you decide to stay, realize that you don’t have control over your girlfriend or her kids. Tattoo that on your hand. No control. You can set boundaries, but they may not be honored. Remember that you are not a victim here. You are in this relationship by choice. If you can’t handle the drama (and not everyone can), get out.

If you decide to leave, don’t threaten. Just say, “Honey, you mean a lot to me, but there just doesn’t seem to be room for me with your kids demanding so much of your time.” Then end it. Period. There will likely be begging, bargaining, lots of crying, accusing, bitterness and anger. Just let it go and walk away. There’s a good chance that ending the relationship will help your girlfriend as well because it sends her the message that being codependent has consequences.

Whatever your decision, you might want to ask yourself if this relationship resembles any previous relationships you’ve had. Have their been other women in your life whose lives have been full of chaos. A lot of times, the romantic relationships we find ourselves in reflect our relationship with one or both of our parents. Those are things you have to decipher for yourself. And you will.

Best of luck with your journey. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Shanna Katz

www.shannakatz.com

On Vacation

Lori Hahn

Dear Becka,

Well, let’s see.  I was nine years younger than my stepmother when she married my father.  Weird, to say the least.  And, problematic.  I fought for my father’s attention and felt I’d been replaced.  But, I was a teenager.  A child still.  On the other hand, adult children are one of the leading causes of problems in second marriages.

Here’s the deal, unfortunately.  Based on what you’ve said, this mother – your lover – is probably ALWAYS going to place her child first.  Even though her child isn’t strictly a child any longer.  Did you see “Failure to Launch?”  Some parents build their launching pad a little more securely and do all they can to ensure their child “launches” successfully and does not constantly bail them out, thus assuring they will never fly alone. 
The bottom line is this mother – you lover – has not set boundaries with her child and is willing and able to continue down this path regardless of its impact on you. She’s getting something out of this vicious cycle.  I’m sure you’ve brought it up and I’m sure you’ve had many conversations about it.  Bluntly speaking, she’s made her choice.  She’s going for the dramatic bail-outs.  It’s been over a year and you still don’t get the quality time.  Time to stop living in denial.
Go find a nice girl who can devote some time to you.  Good luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Kelly Leszczynski

Becka,

I wasn’t even sure if I should answer this one. I have experience with older women, but not with older kids. So then I decided to put myself in the situation. I felt jealous and I know how quick jealousy can tun in to buried anger. I think that this is a test of love. I think that nothing comes between a mother and her children. I think that you will either learn to accept the calls and the drama or you will slowly drift away from your partner.

We all have thing that come with us into relationships. I wouldn’t label her children baggage, but there are many worse things out there to have to deal with. If you love her love all of her. Talk to her about it if you haven’t already. There isn’t anything wrong with being open and honest about your feelings. I’m sure she feels overwhelmed and needs you there for comfort. Time will tell.

May love be on both of your sides,

Kelly

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