2008
Lesbian Life?
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You know, I think way too deeply about alot of things. I over anylize, and I look over at it, think about it, dream about thinking about it, and when it all just comes to this, and mainly ACCEPTING this:
I am a lesbian.
Ever since I was 8 years old, I have loved women. However, I’ve had my share of boyfriends, and *little* experiences with them. I’ve had my heart broken twice–but, I have realized, I was not IN LOVE with that boy, I was in love with my addiction…(*sexual hormones raging!* Which I’m FINALLY coming to equilibrium with my body…I can look at someone and not feel aroused, haha. Anyways! Moving on.) When I was eight, there was a girl that lived just a few houses down the road. Her name was Stephanie; she was older than me, had mid-length brown hair, and (blue? green?) eyes. I looked up to her, and adored her.
One night…well, we “played” a bit. I don’t know how, but the next morning, her mom and my mom found out. I remember standing at the corner, watching Stephanie cry in front of her mother. Her mom looked angry as she recalled the events.
I was ashamed. As much as I had wanted to do it again–despite my initial fear–I was ASHAMED of wanting her. At eight years old! I knew that boys and girls are “supposed” to like each other. And I knew where babies came from. So was I some kind of freak, I remembered thinking, was there something wrong with me?
So, life went on…
I’d had friends, mostly girls. I got boyfriends that I never really liked–all were mean and unintelligent–and my best friends…were so much more to me. But I never acknowledged my feelings. I think this is the first time I’ve ever really acknowledged my feelings at all.
I remember when I was 12, my friend–my best friend–had said out of the blue, “Wanna have sex with me?” As if we were talking about the weather. I had thought a minute, and after deciding that I wasn’t ready, and mybe she was lying and would laugh at me if I said yes, said “No.” She laughed and said, “Oh I was only joking. Haha, I’m a good actor aren’t I?” Ha. Sure.
I moved all over the place–Navy brat–and just…lived, I guess. I wasn’t exactly “aware” of many things.
It wasn’t until my Nana died in the car accident that I began to appreciate things for what they were; I had realized that I might be a lesbian. (six months or so after her death, and I was online ALOT of the time, lol.) I didn’t tell anyone, my brother being the religious nut at the time–WAY too obsessed with the Bible–and I tried to follow him. (Funny how a few years later he came out. Few years after that, he took his own life…*sighs* but that’s another story.)
I just wanted to be normal! I wanted to just grow up, go to college, get married and have babies with him like everyone else. And maybe act, to compensate for my “normalcy”.
It went on like this for a long, long time.
It wasn’t until quite recently that I have finally accepted myself for who I am, and stop deliberating, and understand that “normal” does not exist. I even came out *a little* to my dad. (I told him it might be possible, haha.) He said, “Tabby, I don’t care what you do–just as long as you’re happy. I love you for who you are.” (*^.^* Yay!) That moment, I was so happy. I’d been longing for a relationship with my dad, and it’s been awesome. My mother’s and I’s relationship has even improved a bunch, too.
Just by accepting myself, and going through all this over the past five, almost six years, has finally let some light into my life.
I’m happy~
Wow what a story…when I was 8 all that I cared about was having the coolest pens for school! I don’t even think I knew what a lesbian was! Maybe I’m a late bloomer!! Glad you’re happier now.