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Name: Questioner
Age: 33
Location: NA

I have been out since I was 21 and I am in my second “partnered” lesbian relationship of about 5 years. We were totally in love at first and I still love her but I am not in love. I don’t know if I am finished being relaxed about the certainty that she is the one for me. Lately, two things have been going on: 1. the biological clock effect, 2. wondering if I want to date a man again. I sometimes wonder if they are related. It’s always hard to make the decision to break up but do you think I am going through some kind of child-bearing-prime-crisis? I don’t even want to become pregnant ever. I don’t necessarily even want kids. I just want to date someone new, I think???

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Tina-cious

Working on a new project.

Dharma Kelleher

Let me start my response by saying that there are no right or wrong answers here. Just choices and consequences. To decide on a course of action (“Should I stay or should I go” — INXS), you need to understand what you’re looking for and whether or not a relationship (gay or straight) will give that to you.

Relationships tend to go in cycles. When we fall in love, there is the strong euphoria (complete with rushes of endorphins in the brain) of new romance. Some call it the honeymoon effect. Most of us associate love with this temporary high. And it may even last for a few years. But real love can continue, even after the euphoria fades.

My partner and I just celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary last Friday. We’re still very much in love. No, we’re not thinking about each other every waking moment. I’m not writing “Dharma loves Eileen” on my composition notebooks. But waking up next to her, seeing her when she comes home at night, knowing we have each other when money is tight raises my overall level of happiness.

Why? Because every day, we do little things for each other and we each express our gratitude for the things that the other does. I’m talking making a meal. Taking out the garbage. Making the bed. The mundane boring crap. We’ve turned them into regular expressions of love, especially when one of us performs a task that usually falls to the other.

I bring this up not to make you feel bad, but to let you know that even if the spark has gone out, there is a chance it could be revived. No guarantees, but it is possible.

Ending the relationship is also an option. But be very aware of your motives. And take a searching and fearless inventory of your previous relationships, straight and gay. Look for patterns. What are the common elements? Are you expecting someone to make you happy? Are you confusing romance with love? Are you focused on what you are getting out of a relationship instead of what you are giving to your partner? And how do you see yourself? A victim? A savior? Do you see that you’re a lovable person? Or do you need someone else to validate your self-worth?

As for the biological clock issue, there may be some fear, shame and self-worth issues there that you might want to discuss with a therapist. Some lesbian and bisexual women still cling, even at a subconscious level, to the idea that we “should” have babies, even if we don’t want babies. A lot of us were raised to believe that. The only thing that really matters is whether you want to have babies.

Same with the bisexual issue, if it’s even an issue for you. There are no right or wrong answers. Do some introspection and find out what you’re feeling and why (journaling might help with this). Find the answers that are more right for you. Ask yourself, “What’s the next most loving thing?”

I can’t tell you whether you should stick it out or dump your girlfriend. That’s a choice that only you can make because you’re the one who has to live with the consequences. Just try to understand what it is your looking for. Remember that happiness comes from loving yourself and loving others, not from other people loving you. If you can’t love yourself, no one else will.

Whatever choice you make, own it! Claim your power.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to give more than you get. And don’t be afraid to take a chance. Be willing to see things differently. And trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

Questioner,

If you are in love with your partner why haven’t you thought about having children with her? Maybe you want to have children, but you don’t want to have them with the person you’re with. I would get to the root of your love for your girlfriend first and then go from there.

If you do want to have a child I believe that the most important aspect is that a child is brought into this world surrounded by love. You need to get your heart figured out before you go forward. It’s not about men or women or greener grass, it’s about love. It’s about being with someone that makes you happy, makes you feel safe, and allows you to be who you are. You need to find this before you look for anything else.

Do you have the courage to break it off in the name of searching for a love you have yet to find? If I were you I would determine that before I went any further.

Kelly

Shanna Katz

It seems to me that you have two issues at hand; a) you’re at a stagnant point in your relationship, and b) you think you’re bisexual and may want to try dating men again.

It’s important that you keep the two distinct.  If you were in a relationship where you were happy and satisfied, it wouldn’t matter that much that you might be bisexual…because lots of bisexual women are in monogamous relationships with women.  

So my advice is to re-examine your current relationship.  Why are you feeling stagnant? Why do you think you’re loosing interest? Please know that not every relationship has to be “the one” (if there even is such a thing), and even if you were in the perfect relationship, not all perfect relationships were meant to last forever.

Ergo, you have two choices. Get out of the relationship right away, and then you can experiment with dating who you’d like, and see where that goes, OR re-assess (with your partner) your current relationship, and try to give it another go.  This could mean “spicing things up” (new sex stuff, a vacation together to get away and communicate, taking up a new hobby together, etc), and it could also mean re-defining the parameters of your relationship.  Perhaps she feels the same way, and would like to consider opening the relationship, where both of you remain together, but are allowed, within the rules of your relationship, however you define them, to see other people.  If this is the case, I recommend reading The Ethical Slut (a classic), or Tristan Taormino’s new book, Opening Up.

All in all, it sounds like you’re just over this relationship, and are making up excuses as to why you want to get out of it.  If this is the case, then do it…but do it because you’re done with the relationship, and now because of this, that and the other thing.

I wish you the best of luck.

Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

Lori Hahn

Hey Questioning,

First, I believe we each fall uniquely into the spectrum of sexuality.  There is no rule that says you have to be 100% gay or straight.  And, most of us aren’t given the right circumstance or person in front of us.  So, check that one off. 
 
Lasting relationships don’t just happen.  It sounds as though you two are no longer making efforts to sustain a truly long-lasting partnered relationship.  Those couples with longevity often cite the fact that the secret to their longevity was “working at it.”  Without that shared commitment, it’s too easy to give up.  Only you know if this is the case.  Every relationship has rough patches as we grow and evolve.  It’s whether we actively make our partner part of that evolution that makes the difference. 
 
It’s not 1952 – you don’t need a man to have a family.  You don’t even need a man for the wedding in some places that are a plane ride away.
 
Here’s what struck me with your letter.  “We were totally in love at first…”  Hey, that’s limerence.  That’s the foundation of the U-Haul joke.  Whether you stay or go, and it doesn’t sound like there’s the commitment or desire to stay, remember, it’s what we do after limerence fades which determines whether we become a candidate for the long haul or are elevated to frequent renter status at the U-Haul.
 
Lori

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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