2008
Catch Up… The Beginning..
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Well I have been meaning to make another blog of my life and here it is… My new online journal for all to see.
To catch you up so my blogs can make sense:
Back in December of 2007, my girlfriend and I broke up. We were together for almost 3 years and lived together for about 2 years. I absolutely adored her at the beginning and would do just about anything for her… in the beginning. Then she started turning into someone I did not fall in love with. We argued alot… mostly because she was mad at me for not doing something that she wanted me to do or I didn’t do it the way she wanted me to do it. Slowly but surely, I started to get tired of arguing, not want to do things together, I started going through her stuff.. Which made the situation worse, b/c I found things that were not to my liking. I started to become completely insecure (is not normal behavior for me). I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way, but yet still “loved” her so damn much. I knew that our relationship was not healthy at all… It seemed as if she would change her colors in 2.5 seconds without a warning and turn into two different people.
Back in May of last year, I decide to get my own place. We both decided that we just needed more space and was not ready to live together. I get a place and she “didn’t find one” so I invited her to stay with me until she finds one. That turned into the whole lease… Well just about. We both felt that we loved each other and have lived together so long that we couldn’t live in separate places. In the beginning the new apartment was great! We really didn’t have any issues, we started to think the issues came from having a roommate in the previous house we lived in. Then it all started up again, we or she would pick fights with me and finally, I came to realization that she just wasn’t happy with who I was or with me. We discussed this and she disagreed. She would blame her getting mad at me on her being stressed or having a bad temper. At this time, I am tired of playing the break up game and kissing her ass crying all the time b/c I was really hurting. I wanted to break up b/c I knew that this was not good for neither of us…. We stayed together… We broke up… together… broke up..etc. Finally, when she would break up with me, I started hanging out with my friends more. These are people who she doesn’t know too well… She started to get insecure. I also, started modeling again, dancing, and doing promotional modeling. She HATED THIS. For the first time, I was truly doing what I truly wanted to do.. not dancing to “her music”.
I went to see a show, I love live music and met one of the musicians. He was pretty cool and we talked about playing the violin. (I play and he wanted to learn) We exchanged numbers… I never called b/c I wasn’t in the mood to teach yet. I never told her about it b/c I never thought anything about it, plus she was super insecure and possessive with me and every person I talked to who wasn’t a gay guy, she thought liked me or wanted to get in my pants.
At a show that her and I went to that I was dancing at, he was also performing. After the show I was talking to him and she basically pissed on me (marking territory). He didn’t know what was happening and asked me if I was ok. She got pissed about that, which I can imagine how that could make someone feel, however I was just so over her shit at this point. I know you are probably wondering why didn’t I just break up with her… I wondered that also, at the time I felt like I couldn’t. I thought we would work through things eventually. So remember this guy b/c he plays an important part….
Skipping to December… We were rocky of course and I just got a gig for a burlesque troupe that I have been busting my ass for… I came home and she was mad b/c I didn’t make it home in the time she wanted me to. I was extremely happy, she was extremely pissed. She was saying things like “I can’t wait to move and get out of this… I am only staying here to help you out”. I got tired of all of this bullshit and told her to get her shit out and leave. I don’t need her and I am tired of the negative energy in the house anymore. She couldn’t believe what I was telling her b/c for the first time, I broke up with her and was stepping back into my independence. After an hour of her packing her stuff, I started to second guess myself and cry…. I knew deep down inside it was for the best.
She left, we talked here and there for about 2 weeks… Met up.. It wasn’t the same. Our “love” was drifting away. We stopped talking for a bit b/c we would just argue and were too bitter. I was mad at her at first but then I realized I was really pissed at myself b/c I allowed someone to treat me like that.
Year of 2008, I was missing her or missing the idea of being in a relationship with her. I tried to date her again, however we just argued too much. I actually got kind of depressed at that point b/c she was dating others and at that time, I wondered how come she didn’t want to date me. (I now know and am very grateful that the time wasn’t wasted b/c we definitely weren’t ready). I started doing stupid shit like hooking up with people that didn’t mean anything to me… It got worse when I found out she was having sex with other girls….
I found out I am pregnant! By the guy who she couldn’t stand and was super insecure about. Ha. I asked myself over and over again, how in the world could I hook up with him b/c I was not attracted to him at all. Hell, I haven’t even had sex with a guy since my one and only boyfriend back when I was 20… and he raped me. I don’t know why this guy.
Anyways, find out I am pregnant, I tell him and he isn’t happy about it. He is in a band and is on tour all the time. Plus we weren’t even dating! He wanted me to have an abortion and I wanted to as well. I always thought abortion wasn’t for me at all…that I could never do it…. well that really wasn’t an option at that point. The bad thing about it is that I wanted an abortion for the reasons of the child being born in that situation, not out of love, plus that MEANT I HAD TO TELL MY EX GIRLFRIEND! I wanted to tell her b/c I figured it was the right thing to do. We had mutual friends and she would end up finding out and I would have rather it be from me… but first I had to figure out if I was going to have an abortion or not.
I didn’t have the abortion. So many things ran through my head. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be someone’s mama! I never really had plans for having children, other than with my ex girlfriend and that was her choice.
I end up telling him that I cannot have an abortion, he basically hated me and told me how I was ruining his life… blah blah..
I told my ex and it was hell all over again. She was upset, pissed, hurt, angry, everything not good, she was. She toyed with me… She would be ok with it and act as if she was there for me and would want to be apart of me and the baby’s life and then cuss me out and basically call me a hoe. I was hurt and pissed that this was happening to me. I knew that things wouldn’t turn out how I wanted them to turn out and the way she was acting, I didn’t want her involved in my life nor the baby’s. Finally, for my sanity, especially with me being pregnant now I had to stop talking to her again.
So, I stopped talking to her and didn’t talk to him. I actually feel in a deep dark depression. I was going through ALOT. Dealing with the break-up, work, roommates that were very disrespectful… and for the first time in life, I actually had to go through all of this sober. This was a first for me… The beginning of my pregnancy, I was sick, miserable, felt like the worse person in the world, and just blah. Not to mention, I was listening to everyone else’s issues which was making me even more dark.
Finally, I had to find a way to get out of all of this…. I knew that I could not go through this forever, I was missing out on life. I wasn’t even listening to music nor dancing… I missed those things. So, I had to cut off my communication to all of the bullshit from everyone. My ex, called me from time to time and I had to actually ignore her calls and block text messages, b/c at that point she was not healthy for me. She would use what I was going through as a way to get back into my life and then use it all against me. (She was still hurt about our relationship, still doesn’t make it right to treat anyone like that)
Ok, so I am out of the drama, start to get all of my stuff together, put my notice in at my apartment b/c like I said, roommates and I were clashing. They were also going back and telling my ex all of my business, which was none of hers nor even theirs. All the while I am going through this, the donor/father of my baby is texting me talking shit to me. For some reason, he doesn’t get to me… not like my ex and maybe that is bc I never liked him like that. NO FEELINGS AT ALL.
So for a couple of days, my lil nieces spent the night and I was coming back to drop them off at home, stayed a night, then on my way back home…. My Jeep started acting up! Ugh!!! I was stuck in Lewisville for awhile… well I had to bum rides to go back to Dallas and that sucked. I’m a very independent person, so for me to have to be at the mercy at someone else, doesn’t work out too well for me. Not to mention, I had to stay at my mom’s house until I got the Jeep fixed and that was HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somehow, I made it through all of this, I connected with my baby, now have a Sun shining over me. I was doing perfect… Not dealing with ex drama, not dealing with donor drama, and found a “Peace” of Mind.
Wow, you were really getting it from all sides huh? Thankfully you have made it through the drama and can now focus on yourself and your child. Good luck!