2008
What’s It Like To Be A Lesbian?
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I’ve actually had a couple of people ask me this question recently. At first it seems almost impossible to respond to. Hmmm, what’s it feel like to have blue eyes? Or curly hair? Or to be a heterosexual for that matter? It’s like, normal! I am totally at ease in my skin as a lesbian. Which is why it has become increasingly difficult for me to imagine why anyone has a problem with homosexuality. It’s so damn normal!
Apparently, despite how normal I feel about my sexual orientation, lots of other people are really curious about it. So I decided to examine the issue from a variety of perspectives: sexual, societal and my personal relationship. What I found was, the answer to the question “What’s it feel like to be a lesbian?” changes with the situation and especially as a result of external forces.
If people asking this question are thinking about the sex aspect of being a lesbian…well, it feels pretty great! I am sure that heterosexuals who take the time to wonder about what we do between the sheets (and why they would is another matter) see lesbian sex as pretty strange. They may think the parts don’t “fit right,” or that it doesn’t even count as sex because there is no penile penetration. The truth is that lesbian sex has been a wonderful adventure. No erections to worry about. No pregnancy worries. Multiple orgasms for both partners. And once the door was opened to lesbian sex, I felt free to explore other aspects of sex as well, which I was too inhibited to try as a heterosexual. There has been nothing “vanilla” about lesbian sex and that has been an enormously freeing feeling for me. So, yeah, from a sexual perspective, being a lesbian feels fantastic!
From a societal standpoint, my feelings about being a lesbian vary. For the most part, in social situations, I just refer to my partner as anyone would refer to their husband or wife in conversation. Like, “My partner and I are going to a play this weekend. What are your plans?” That feels very normal to me. When I first started doing this it felt strange and scary. But after a while it just felt right. So, usually being a lesbian in social situation feels pretty good.
But there are definitely awkward times…times when I need to draw upon my inner strength and positive self esteem to remain emotionally intact. When I am in a situation where I sense there may be judgment weighed against me for being who I am, that can be uncomfortable. The higher the stakes are, the more I experience that feeling. For instance, my 22 year old daughter has been dating a really nice guy for the past 2 years. His mom knows I’m a lesbian, but no one will tell his dad, who is a fundamentalist. In this situation, if you ask me what it feels like to be a lesbian…well not very good. When coming out for myself I let the chips fall where they may. But now the plot thickens and my daughter’s well-being and happiness is at stake and that is a different matter. The movie The Birdcage really hits home on this issue! So being a lesbian when people may reject you feels sad and scary and maybe even a little angry.
Finally, from a personal relationship perspective, “What’s it feel like to be a lesbian?” is easy to answer. It just flows. My partner and I understand each other. We can read each other’s thoughts and are in tune with what the other says. We cooperate with each other. We respect each other’s goals and support each other to achieve them. We celebrate our wins and commiserate our losses. We have even gotten to the point that a disagreement ends in laughter instead of tears, because we find the things we disagree on are insignificant when viewed in the context of our relationship. Being a lesbian from a personal relationship perspective feels warm and loving and safe. It feels peaceful. It feels like coming home.
Overall, being a lesbian feels like being myself. It is still a wonder to me at times that I spent so many years in denial of it. Of wondering the same question about lesbians when I lived as a straight woman. In a sense, it is more telling for me to ask myself, “What does it feel like to be straight?”–a lifestyle I adopted for 25 years. The truth is, I never felt quite right. The words I used to described myself then were “different” and “strange” and “weird.” I didn’t know why I felt that way, I just knew I didn’t quite fit in. I didn’t quite understand social nuances. I never was able to properly flirt with a man and I was put off by women that did. Now I know and the answer is that I was trying to force myself into a lifestyle that was foreign to my basic nature. Yes, being a lesbian has been enlightening and, for the most part, a joyful experience. It feels fabulous!
For me…
Being a Lesbian is beautiful, natural, and true.
Being a heterosexual was hiding, masks, and lies.