thelesbianlifestyle.com

You’ve heard people say that before, but in my case it is really true. I was so terrified of coming out, I couldn’t even come out to myself until I was around 40! Yeah, I had attractions to women all my life, been in love even (secretly), but incredibly I never associated that with being a lesbian…because I was in deep denial. Looking back, it is almost unbelievable that this could be true. In fact, if I hadn’t lived it myself–if someone else told me this was their experience–I wouldn’t believe it! But yes, that is how strong denial can be. It protects us from things our minds just can’t handle.

The problem is, while I was in this incredible state of denial, I got married, had a couple of kids, bought a house in the burbs, a station wagon and a dog. Oops. It was then that I found out that denial is not a permanent, life-time thing. It seems to have about a 20 year warranty on it and then it just fizzles out. Kind of like a kitchen appliance. And then I was left with this terrifying, horrible reality that was worse than the original issue was in the first place. Damn.

So, for a bit I tried to claw myself back into the closet I had built in my head, but the hinges were broke on that old door. Then I tried to just keep it in check in my head, but that hurt too much. Then I tried taking Zoloft and that did take the edge off, but had some really nasty side effects. Then not even the Zoloft helped and I went into a terrible depression. And the whole time, I did this all by myself and told NO ONE because that would make it real. Yes, coming out to someone makes it real. You can’t turn around the next day and say hey, you know what, I was just joking. Well, you could, but they wouldn’t believe you.

So I finally decided I had to come out to someone. I decided to tell my best friend (who still is). I wanted to tell her because I trusted her. But instead of just having the discussion, I sweat and agonized and imagined the worst. It would have been so much easier to take her aside one day and say, ” Ya know, I figured out I’m a lesbian.” But that was just too hard. So instead I laid out endless hints for about 9 months until she finally told me that I was a lesbian! Well whatever works, but I don’t recommend all the needless suffering. Get help from a professional if you are having a hard time with this!

To make a really, really long story shorter, it did get easier and easier to tell people, and now I’m just sort of casual about it. These days coming out is just a natural part of my day. I refer to my partner in everyday conversations I have with new people I meet, just as they talk about their husbands, wives, girlfriends or boyfriends. They get the idea pretty quick and if they don’t , well then they are the ones that are in denial!

So you see, if I could do it, anyone can. I will tell you one thing. Imagining coming out is a lot worse than actually doing it. Coming out leads to a wonderful feeling of finally getting the fear behind you. The fear of coming out is like chasing your tail. You don’t achieve a thing, you hurt yourself and you get exhausted.

October 12th is right around the corner. It is National Coming Out Day. If you haven’t done so yet, make it a goal to come out to someone and see what I’m talking about!