2008
I ain’t pretty: Confessions of the ugly
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Don’t take the title the wrong way folks, I don’t hate myself and I sure as hell don’t want to change just because of the way people perceive me. I just wanted to write about it. And basically it’s just a long assed ramble.
I think perhaps part of the problem is society’s standard of beauty in the current day and age. Thin is in and anyone who doesn’t fit that mold has a tendency to be tossed aside. Luckily for the chubbies among us there is the recent phenomena of the chubby chaser; generally men who love the larger ladies. Unfortunately I have had great difficulty in finding the same subculture in the lesbian scene. Gay men got lucky, big and burly men are greatly admired by the bears. Lucky bastards, I even have a subscription to Bear’s Life mag because it’s nice to see that admiration even if it is for gay men.
And trust me, I am well aware of the health risks of being overweight or in my case morbidly overweight. You die young, plain and simple. Granted, considering no one in my family is inclined to live past 60, I think at the most I’m knocking my lifespan down to 50 years. I can live with that.
I’m a big fan of unconventional beauty. Sure, I drool over some of the actresses just like the rest of us but it’s women that don’t really fit the mold that really stick in my mind. Transwomen are something wonderful, very rarely are they what the world perceives as beautiful, but if you put one of them in a room with Angelina Jolie I know who I’d pick as truly beautiful. Butch women, though, are what really get my gears turning. And it is damn hard to find good pictures. Especially of the old school butch. Solid looking women who looked like they could carry the weight of the whole world on their shoulders.
But hey, being un-pretty has it’s definite benefits. You blend in and it’s easier to get along in the world. I know this is completely opposite of what some people say but it’s true in my world. I attend a trade school and looking the way I do, I’m just perceived as one of the guys. Weird as it may seem, the guys don’t give me shit on looking butch. Not even my horrifically anti-gay teachers bother me.
It’s different with straight women. I’ve been kicked out of bathrooms, called a freak, disgusting, and everything else. And of course kids are the worst sometimes. Teens have the tendency to stare and snicker. Teen aged girls are shocked when I walk into the bathrooms and I don’t swim at pools anymore due to the harassment. Younger lesbians arn’t too fond of me either and that kinda sucks. These are my peers and I am not accepted.
It’s odd, straight men, who are supposed to despise me the most, are more often than not the most accepting. It’s part of the reason I went into auto mechanics. For 5 five years before I started school I was a non-destructive engineer and I traveled to mines, cement plants, and other job sites all the time. The guys were always nothing but nice to me. I think part of it is that I’m about as threatening as a mouse. I’m not attractive to them so they don’t have to worry about flirting with me and my sense of humor is just about as rough so they don’t censor the way they talk. I like the environment.
All in all I am happy and more often than not, supremely puzzled when people don’t understand why.
Hard at work on a Nissan 300ZX
I don’t think you’re ugly. Not at all. You’re just not a femme. You’re a handsome and attractive Butch, which seems to be a dying breed, unfortunately.
Have a great day,
BarbRyan