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Name: Reba
Age: NA
Location: NA

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over six years now. We get along great. We both enjoy the same sports, she makes me laugh with the crazy things that come out of her mouth, we want the same things out of life, similar goals, etc…

The thing is….we have these two issues that keep coming up time and time again in our relationship….they are pretty big issues. And we are trying to decide if we need to separate for awhile, see if this is what we really want…or just buckle down and deal with it….thing is…we really aren’t dealing with it.

The first situation is that she has 4 teenagers who live at home. I don’t have kids and I have never wanted kids. Even though they have accepted me and love me, and I love them…I struggle with this fact. The other serious relationship I was in before this, I had to “share” this person with someone else….I told myself I would never do that again. Of course, this is different, these are kids….but, they are so unruly at times, can be so rude and disrespectful. They call 15 times (no joke), while we are out on a date….it just seems that we don’t get much of a chance to be by ourselves…..and to be honest, I am just tired of it. Sometimes I think I want to be with someone that I can be a little selfish with….that I can lay down with at night and not have to worry about “being quiet” because the kids are in the other room, or that we can go out and her not feel guilty for leaving the kids at home…

The other situation is that one of my best friends is also my ex-girlfriend of 15 years. I know this is a tough one. But we really are just friends. I feel nothing more for her than a friendship. However, we do talk on the phone a lot. She lives in another state now, but is thinking of moving back up here (she is involved in a long-term relationship). If that happens, not sure what my GF will think about that. Not sure if she can handle it. It has already caused great problems in our relationship. But for me, I just see my ex as a really good friend….and can’t just drop her.

I think me and my GF could have a happy life together….if we could just figure out these two areas….but neither of them involve a “quick fix” (if there is a fix at all).

We have talked about separating for six months…or a year…and see what happens….but as I said before, we don’t seem to be able to make that first step…..six years is a long time to be together….the thought of separating is extremely painful for both of us…..

To make matters worse….we work together, so it’s not like we wouldn’t be seeing each other anyway.

I really do love her. Sometimes I think I just need to get over myself and do what it takes to make this happen. Other times, I find myself unhappy with the way things are and wonder if I should take a break now and see what happens.

I guess I am just confused….and both choices scare the hell out of me….

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Reba,
 
First, you have to make the decision that’s best for you.  But, I had to read this over a couple of times to understand that you knew that there were kids in this thing at the outset.  Kids are delicate creatures in some ways and in others, high adaptable.  “Divorce” will be hard for them.
 
There are days I wake up remembering the days when I did not have kids in my life.  When I could sleep as late as I wanted, stay out late, take off for days without giving it a thought, and have loud monkey sex even whenever I wanted.  Now I do have kids.  So do you.  You had a choice whether to see the woman knowing she had children and there was the potential for you all to become attached.
 
The easy thing would be to walk away.  What would a separation accomplish?  You can go out and try to find someone who you don’t have to share?  Good luck!  But, you describe a relationship that’s pretty good.  It is what it is.  You have teenagers.  They’ll be gone in a few years and then you’ll have your girlfriend to yourself – well, as much as you can knowing those kids are still going to be in your lives in some form or fashion.
 
Prepare those children for their adult lives so they will go!  And, make regular plans to get away alone – without the guilt. 
 
I’d suggest couples counseling to work through both issues.  Both problems are rooted in insecurity.  You not wanting to share something that doesn’t actually belong to you in the first place and her concerns about an ex you are just friends with.  It has a good shot – because it sounds like you love each other and just haven’t found the way to craft the nuts and bolts to a workable solution that lets each of you know you aren’t going anywhere and your relationship is important.
 
Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Reba

I can appreciate where you’re coming from. Not all of us have what it takes inside to be parents. I know that I don’t. And I’m glad there are people out there who are cut out to be parents. The world would be an awful place with out them.

But here is the thing. Your girlfriend is not going to be getting rid of her kids. Eventually, they will move out to live their own lives, hopefully. But for now, they are there. So you have to make a choice. You must either change the situation (end the relationship) or change your perception of the situation (let go of your negative attitudes toward your girlfriend’s kids). Delaying this choice won’t make it easier. Don’t wait for the courage to do what your gut tells you to do. Make a decision and do it. Now!

Just because you love someone dearly doesn’t necessarily mean that you should be in a romantic relationship with that person. I know that sounds like blasphemy, but it’s true. Sometimes the most loving action is to end a romantic relationship.

On the other hand, sometimes our resistance to a situation and the resentments that develop from it are pointing us to a lesson that we need to learn, a place in our hearts that needs to change. And if we become willing to see our beliefs differently, our attitudes differently, ourselves differently, and those around us differently, that willingness can change the dynamics of our situation.

Now for the other situation — your ex moving back to town. I have one word about this: COMMUNICATE! Talk to your girlfriend about the situation. Be totally honest about everything. She may be okay with it or maybe she won’t. That’s her deal.

If she has a problem with you being in regular communication with your ex, then you have to decide what’s more important to you: your relationship with your girlfriend or your friendship with your ex. Don’t go sneaking around. That will always come back to bite you. No relationship can be built around deception. It will haunt you and rob you of any joy in the relationship. Guaranteed!

There are no wrong choices. You can’t get it wrong. There are simply choices and consequences. Ask yourself and God/Goddess/The Universe/Your Highest Self what the most loving thing would be with each decision. Sometimes both choices will cause pain, but don’t use that as an excuse to delay making a choice, because that will also cause pain. Make a choice and follow through. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

Still has Florida on the brain and was unfit to give out any sort of advice at this time.

Shanna Katz

It sounds to me like a lot of your issues don’t really have to do with the relationship itself, but rather, with lack of communication.

Firstly, you need to decide if this relationship is really worth it for you.  You’re going to need to talk with her, put in a lot of communication and effort, and figure some things out.  If this isn’t worth it for you, then leave now.

But if it is (and it sounds like it might be), here are my suggestions.

a) “The Kids” You need to talk to your girlfriend about this. Really. Think it through first, write down some talking points, and then sit down for a looooong conversation. Assure her first that you love her kids, and that you understand that they are part of the package.  And then explain why you get frustrated.  Tell her that you understand they are teenagers, not adults, but that you need to set some limits.  Like, if you two are on a date, her cell phone is turned off, and they can call the restaurant if it is an emergency situation.  Explain that you feel disrespected by them, and ask her if she has any ideas that might be the best way to have this discussion with her kids. To me, it just sounds like you haven’t really talked about them, and that some limits need to be set.

b) “The Ex” You need to talk to your girlfriend about this (sound familiar? COMMUNICATION IS KEY!). Explain that you and your ex are JUST FRIENDS, and that she (your girlfriend), is the woman you are in a relationship with, and love, etc. You can tell her what you just said; you’re good friends with your ex, and unwilling to lose that friendship, but also let your girlfriend voice her fears and concerns.  Is she worried that you’ll stop spending time with her, or that you’ll fall back in romantic love with your ex (because you CAN love people you’re not/dating or seeing – I love lots of my friends, just in different ways than I love my partner).  See what she’s worried about, and then talk those issues through with her.  

Don’t just up and leave.  Granted, maybe you’ll talk about these things, and realize that they just aren’t compatible with what you/she are looking for…but you’ll never know until you have those conversations. Make sure you both come at this from a place of love, and not one of frustration or anger – that won’t get you anywhere.

Best of luck!

Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

Tina-cious

Hi Reba,

As a mother of teens — I have to say — I made sure that before I was with anyone — that they realized they were getting a package deal. 

You knew — and no disrespect intended — going into this relationship that your relationship would not only consist of you and your partner…

…it’s a wee pet peeve of mine that people don’t take it into more consideration before entering into a relationship with someone with kids.  There are dynamics at play there that need to be strongly considered before people just jump into a relationship.  On both sides.

You say you “never wanted kids” yet you still entered into this woman and her kids’ lives knowing that there was a good chance that you wouldn’t be able to hack it.  Kids — even teen kids — don’t need people hopping in and out of their lives.

…but… what’s done is done… so what you should do is ask that some ground rules be set. 
 
My kids used to call during “date nites” and I put my foot down and told them not to call me unless it was an emergency.

Or I wouldn’t answer and if they called Jess’ phone then I knew it was important.
Since kids can’t be programmed there’s nothing you can do about the unruly or disrespectful behavior…

As for loud sex… when my kids aren’t home — it’s on like Donkey Kong.  As teens I imagine they are out and about alot, no??  Mine are! I hardly ever see the 19 year old!
When they are home I consider it a game to be quiet.

Oh and your ex… well… you need to cut it out… there’s no reason at all you should be talking to your ex that much… especially if she’s a semi-recent ex. 

Out of respect for your relationship — you should cut it back to a respectable level and you’ll see that your problems in that regard will all fade away.  Your partner just wants security.  It’s your job to provide it.  And she to you.

It really sounds to me like a little compromise may do the trick… but if it doesn’t — well — I don’t see how a trial separation will help.  You’ll just end up missing each other and going back or one of you will find someone else and the other will be really hurt.

I wish you all the luck.

Truly,
Tina-cious

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