Name: N/A
Age: NA
Location: NA

Help!! My girlfriend is in due to give birth any day now and i feel totally helpless!!

I don’t know what to do or say. The sense of helplessness is overbearing and upsetting as i usually have the answer to things but i don’t. I am beginning to worry about it all now, yet i keep telling her i am not but i am.

I won’t be at the birth as the father is her ex boyfriend which i am gutted about but i also believe its right he be there, but the pain of not being there myself is unbearable. I won’t be there to share what is perhaps the biggest moment of her life… has anyone out there any tips comments about this?

Are there any other non biological mothers out there who know what this is like?
How do you combat the helplessness?

This is driving me nuts….

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Shanna Katz

While I myself am not a mother, nor do I plan on giving birth, I don’t know how much my answer will help.

However, I think what this boils down to is that a) you’re nervous about the birth, which is pretty normal for partners of pregnant people (of all genders and orientations), b) you’re worried about not being in the room, which is valid, and it sounds like you need to talk to her about how you’re feeling about this c) you’re about to help welcome a child into the world – congrats!

My advice? TALK TO HER. COMMUNICATE. Discuss how you’re feeling.  Come at it from a loving and respectful place, and not one of attacking, but really, how is she supposed to know how upset and worried you are (and how are you two going to be able to talk about it and work things out), if you keep telling her that you’re fine when you’re not.

Best of luck, and congrats!

Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

Lori Hahn

Easy.  Tell your girlfriend you want to be there, ask her to let you.  The three of you will be involved in the raising of the child, so why shouldn’t you all be there to share this experience?  You don’t need any other answers right now.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Dharma Kelleher

Dear helpless,

I’m hearing a lot of drama, and not the good kind. What I’m hearing is that you’re in a new relationship (less than 9 mos, apparently) with someone who is newly out of the closet, about to give birth, and still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend (the baby’s father). And now you’re scared shitless. At the risk of sounding like the cold, scary bitch that I sometimes am, why in blazes are you in that relationship? The economy has more stability.

The fact that you’re not going to be at the birth says a lot. It tells me that despite whatever romantic feelings you and your girlfriend have for each other, there really isn’t room for you. You’re already competing with the ex-boyfriend. And you’re about to get kicked down another notch once the baby arrives because (ideally) baby’s needs come first.

Maybe that’s what you feel helpless about (you’re not specific about the object of your helplessness). Maybe you can read the writing on the wall that says that at best this situation is going to be a painful learning experience. Your best move might be to leave now, even with the impending birth.

If however you choose to try and stick it out, there are organizations and other resources for LGBT parents. Check out http://www.gayparentmag.com/29181.html. I’m sure Lori and Tina can provide more insight and info about that, since they are fabulous lesbian mommies and I am not.

As I’ve said before, there are no right or wrong decisions; just choices and consequences. But you have to decide first what you want. Are you willing to contribute to the raising of a child, accept the regular presence of your girlfriend’s ex, and accept that she’s not going to give you all of her love, attention and energy? Or are you willing to walk away to other possibilities? Remember, this is your life. Only you can decide.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

I think you need to be there. I would want to be there. I suppose there are a lot of factors to take into consideration. Does the ex care if you’re there? Have you discussed the possibility with your girlfriend? This is going to be a huge shift in the way you are living life. I child needs support and love. It seems like you can give both but are weary as to how much you should give.

I agree with Shanna in that the best thing to do is to communicate. You need to get these feelings on the table, even if you think they aren’t valid compared to the event of giving birth itself. I’m sure your girlfriend has a lot on her mind, but I’m also sure she cares and worries about your feelings. You don’t have to be helpless, you just need to be honest with yourself and your partner. The baby will need you to be.

Take time to breathe and enjoy the wonderful moments,

Kelly

Tina-cious

Dear Nuts About Baby,

First I’m wondering why is it that you won’t be in the room when she gives birth?  Why can’t you both be there?

If you are her partner and she’s having someone else’s baby — yes, you have to deal with that father in her/your life forever more (if he’s worth his salt, that is)… but you are far from helpless.

In fact — this is the best time to be in a relationship with someone with kids that are not your own — you are there from the beginning!  It’s MUCH better than coming in when they are teens (like my wife did).  You have a really unique and wonderful opportunity here.

It sounds like the father is involved so I think before she does give birth you all need to sit down and establish some ground rules for how this is all going to work.  I’d make sure I asserted the fact that because you have no biological ties to this baby — you are going to be a step-parent and you don’t want them undermining what authority that role brings with it.

You are only helpless here if you choose to be.  Be involved… this is not just your partner’s baby.  Once she decided to be with you it became your family too.

No matter how the baby came to exist.

Much love and keep us posted!

Truly,
Tina-cious

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