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This is NOT how I wanted to spend my Halloween!

So last night, I was with my boyfriend. (I’m very confused about how I feel about him at the moment. -_-) We went to a crappy “block party”–hardly any people and Lucas was the only one I knew there–until the other couple came over, which was cool–and we went to Walgreens to get candy and slushies. We went back to Lucas’s house and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas.

You know what was wrong with all this? I really didn’t want to be there! I really wish I could just get my old friends and go to Phobia with them, even if it is a freakishly scary haunted house thing. TT_TT I really missed my friends.

But anyways, when Lucas and I dropped off the other couple–Josh and Laura(she is so adorable! ^_^)–more like got rid of, he took me back to his house. I didn’t WANT to go, I wanted to go back home because it’s a Wiccan Holiday(Samhain!~ *sow-en*). But…

“Well, I think I should go home.”

“Go home as in I come inside, or you go home-home? Or…you could come inside…”

I really didn’t want to. I was reluctant, but I agreed, because I’ve been saying goodnight to him at the door and kissing him less and less. I supposed that maybe he deserved this.

Yes, I HAVE tried breaking up with him. I even tried to explain that I loved him, but I didn’t LOVE him. He just said that that wasn’t a good enough reason to “call it quits”. Ugh.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m running away and just pretending to not love him. Maybe I’m not really attracted to girls. And every time I think this, I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, “Wow, what the hell was I thinking?!”

*sigh*

I just need to accept myself and stop trying to fit under other people’s standards.

But, doing it is something else entirely.