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Growing up there was one person that I looked up to. One person that always made me smile and who I knew loved me no matter what I looked like, who I loved, or who I would grow up to be. That person was my Grandma, but Grandma sounds odd to me. To me, she was always Nana. My Nana meant the world to me. She never had anything negative to say about anyone, her laugh was contagious, and she is one of the only people in my life that truly made me feel special.

One of my fondest childhood memories was spending the night over Nana’s. Each time I was there I knew to expect a bowl of graham crackers and milk, fresh air dried white sheets, and the both of us giggling in bed until we fell asleep. Nana would pack us a lunch and we would go eat it outside on the giant rock that sat in my Grandparents front yard. If I was ever sick or scared being close to Nana would take all of that away. There was nothing like sitting on her couch looking at her bird watching book and resting my little head on her fluffy soft arm.

About twelve years ago Nana was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. As her memory faded I cried inside. I knew that one day she would forget me. One day I wouldn’t be her special girl. Nana wouldn’t remember our spend the nights, our animal cracker fights, or me reminding her to be careful when we drove down the street.

Last month my brother and I went to go see Nana on a whim. It had been ten years since I had seen her. I had resolved that it was best to remember how she was instead of seeing her in a home. But after losing so many family members and friends in the last few years I decided that I needed to go.

I didn’t cry, though walking into the nursing home I thought I would for sure. Nana was laying back in a chair with her hair done and purple beads around her neck. Her blue eyes were just as bright as I remembered, but were now starring off into no where. “Kelly’s here Mom.” My Uncle said. She started to mumble and I leaned closer to her. Her skin too, was just as soft as I had remembered. I put my hand in hers and she held it so tight. I didn’t want to let go, but I wished in that moment that she could. I couldn’t even imagine spending all those years in that home. My Nana was gone, although so many memories came rushing back to me, in that moment I knew that’s all I would ever have.

That trip was made at the beginning of last month. This past Sunday morning I found out that Nana had passed away. She had lost her reflex to swallow which happens to many suffering from Alzheimer’s. Part of me likes to think that she was waiting to see myself and my brother one last time. Part of me is happy because if there is a Heaven she is now with so many that I have lost including my Dad.

I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to that day because there were too many people around. I wanted to tell her that she has always been in my heart. I wanted to tell her that she is the most amazing person I have ever known. I wanted to thank her for showing me how to posses a kind heart and for always making me feel so loved. If I could have had a moment alone with her I would have told her that it was okay to let go. I would have told her that it was time for her to rest and that all of us will be okay. I would have told her that even though I already have the worst memory in the world at the age of 30 that I will never forget the moments her and I shared. And while I’m wishing for things. I wish that before I left her I could have heard her laugh just one more time. Like every thing she did in life Nana lived and laughed with her heart. For the rest of my time on Earth I will try to be the woman she was.

Hug those that you love and make sure they know you love them.