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Name: Lynn
Age: 38
Location: London

My girlfriend of 4 years has just entered an outpatient rehab program. I work away from home for months at a time (to send money home for her and her children) but have offered to return right away. she says that it’s not the best time for me to come back. I am reading up on addiction but haven’t found too much material on the role of the partner during treatment. Also, the nature of my job means that I spend 95% of my time alone, with very little opportunity to socialize. With her calls becoming less frequent, and the conversation focused only on her and her program, I’m feeling a bit left out and isolated. It sounds juvenile but its how I feel. I’m not in a position to attend support groups so I’m hoping the addiction expert among you can offer some advice. Cheers

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Lynn,
 
It all sounds so nebulous.  Are you tucked away in Antarctica or oil rig or something?  What I’m surprised about is that her recovery program doesn’t have a family counseling component to it that would assist you and her children.  Have you checked into that?  Barring that, here is what I’d do:  Contact your nearest Al-Anon (http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/) and learn about recovery in a real way.  Al-Anon represents the loved ones’ viewpoint into the disease.  Having others to lean on during this time is really critical.  And, having help in understanding what she’s going through will help with your isolation from her.
 
Secondly, since she is focusing on her recovery, you need to get out.  If 95% of your time is spent alone, find a way to connect with humanity that other 5%.  I’m not a joiner myself, but joining something – a knitting club or an auto mechanics – class is an option.   I started a little breakfast group and some of those who attend are night shift workers—the possibilities just need to be explored.  You need to find connection with her, but she also needs to grips with her recovery.
 
Living with a person with an addiction is very difficult, I know.  I wish you both the best.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Dharma Kelleher

Hi Lynn,

Addiction is a family disease. That means that the dysfunctional thought process of the alcoholic often creates a similar dysfunctional for the family and friends of the alcoholic. This often translates into codependent behaviors of care taking and enabling the addiction.

I’ve been on both sides of this. It nearly killed me both as an alcoholic and then again as the partner of an alcoholic. However noble we may think our intentions may be, addiction is a family disease.

The solution is to stop trying to take care of the addict and to start taking care of ourselves. This is not always easy because many of us are very attached to our identity as victim, as the put-upon, pitiable partner. We have to learn how to change our thinking and how to nurture ourselves.

How do we do this? Speaking only for myself, I found help in the rooms of Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics; all three are spin-off programs based on the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

For Al-Anon meetings near you, check out http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/groupsAndMeetings.asp.

For Codependents Anonymous, http://www.coda-uk.org/.

And for Adult Child of Alcoholics, http://allone.com/12/aca/#HaveAGreatDay.

Here you will find the answers to your questions. You will find the company of people in similar circumstances. And you will learn to be your own person. A healthy relationship isn’t comprised of two half-people forming one. It’s two whole people developing a mutually-supportive, symbiotic relationship.

Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

Lynn,

In my experience addicts need all the help they can get. However I have been witness to a situation where the addicted party associated her girlfriend with her addiction. Therefore pushing her away while going through rehab. To me it sounds like you need some one on one time with your loved one. You need to sit down with her face to face and try to understand where she is coming from.

Four years is a long time, there are kids involved, and it sounds like you still love her. I realize your job is important, but so is your home life. Is there any way you could take a bit of a leave to work things out? If it were me I would drop everything to be with her. I would want to be close to her to see if I could help in any way. I would need to figure out if she was falling out of love with me, or if she just didn’t want me to see her going through what she is going through. I would want to be there for her until I knew for sure that she felt otherwise.

Do what’s in your heart and find out what’s in hers. I wish you both strength during all of this.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Tina-cious

Hi Lynn,

I’m no expert in this arena but I imagine that it would be no different than a straight couple would be.  Your job sounds like a real problem in that a) you are not very accessible to her at this time b) the children probably REALLY need you right now and c) you have no TIME for her to pay attention to you.

Do you have any options about getting less time on the road?

I don’t see how a relationship can function long-term with that much time apart.

Truly,

Tina-cious

Shanna Katz

Will Return Soon.

Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

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