Name: Jenn
Age: 39
Location: North Carolina

My girlfriend of almost two years moved to Seattle for a job after her residency. She is 38, no children, was married for 15 years with a man more as friends then came out 3 years ago. I was her second lesbian relationship. since moving she is withdrawn emotionally even though she calls me daily. I have visited her once since she moved 3 months ago. The visit was good, but as soon as we are apart she withdraws emotionally again. Previously to moving she said she thinks she wants to casually date before committing to a long term relationship. I tell her she should do what she wants and needs, but once involved with someone else my interest in a relationship with her stops.

In a year she has made no effort to date anyone else really, but she still keeps it in the way of our relationship moving forward or thriving. She will not make plans for us to see one another even short term and gets mad when I want to make plans. She acts like making plans for us weeks in advance is a long term commitment. I take time off months in advance but let her make the decision. She says she needs to talk to someone but wont do it, not friends or a therapist. She goes through the motions of her feelings and our relationship. I love and adore her but feel like I am holding on to a lost cause. She loves me and misses me but does not want to be with me. I think she is waiting for someone else to come along etc…. she says no.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Shanna Katz

Jenn - 

To be honest…brutally honest, it sounds like this is just not going to work out.  You are putting far more into this relationship (emotional investment, time, energy, concern) than you are getting in return, and the longer this happens, the more resentful you will get.  I suggest you have a deep conversation with her, explain what you’ve just explained here, and come to a decision based on that.  I know you love her, and I know that this isn’t what you want to hear, but it really seems to be the way it is.

Best of luck!

Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

Lori Hahn

Doctor Dolittle had a funny creature called a Push Me-Pull You – basically, a llama with a head on each end and each wanting to go its own way.  That sounds like your girlfriend.
 
She’s in a new town with a new job and those both take huge effort to slide into.  She wants the comfort of your friendship but is wanting to spread her wings in her new life.  My guess would be she’s waiting for you to get fed up and cut the strings – though she will miss your friendship.
 
You are not her priority right now, you are there at her convenience.  I hate to say this – but the writing’s on the wall with this one.  It sucks. 

Lori
Hahn at Home

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jenn,

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain, particularly when there is no plan to reunite on a permanent basis and no regular contact. Sometimes the most loving thing one can do for everyone involved is to end it and move on.

Ending a relationship is always scary and sad. But holding onto a corpse of relationship like the one you’re describing only prolongs the pain. No one is happy. It sounds like your girlfriend is conflicted as much as you, but lacks the courage to do what must be done.

My suggestion would be to tell her that you love her, but that it’s time to move on. End the relationship. Don’t get dragged into promises of change. It ain’t gonna happen. Stop the suffering and get on with your life.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

Jenn,

Sounds like a bout of unequal love to me. You go out of your way to be with the woman you love, and she seems to make excuses to get out of your visits. However, I bet you make excuses for her excuses simply because you love her so much.

My advice would be to let go. Don’t allow yourself to be there only when she finds it convenient for you to be there. You deserve love at 100 percent, not 65 percent. Letting go of a love like this is hard, but as long as you still hold on you’ll never be happy.

I promise you that a few months from now or a few years from now you will meet someone that will give you 100 percent. When that time comes you will look back on this relationship and wonder why you stayed in it for so long.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Tina-cious

Tina will return soon

Tina-cious

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