2008
“Blog Something” she said
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Ok well, “blog something“. Seems like a reasonable enough demand, except that it seems every morning finds me unable to write a damn thing. Later in the day, I am full of ideas when I am sitting at work, my mind-numbing choice of career at this point gives me AMPLE time to think of all sorts of things.
Lately, I have been thinking about being a lesbian. Sounds silly, I know. Maybe I am alone on this one, probably not though. Being a lesbian requires real thought on my part, as I am not usually attracted to girls. Before the onslaught of commenting begins, I will say that I am sometimes attracted girls, but #1 it is never a girl specifically, and #2 it is usually a random body part I imagine myself touching. The point is that I am only attracted to bois, butches, whatever you’d like to call it. And it baffles me sometimes that somehow masculinity in men is disgusting to me yet overwhelmingly attractive in women.
Does that mean I would like a feminine man? I can safely say that is NOT the case, (the whole “penis” thing and all), although the other reasons why are not clear. What, then, is it about a strap-on that is so DAMN exciting? What is it about men I am completely unexcited about, if it isn’t masculinity or their penis? What is it about women that I am completely excited about, if it isn’t their femininity or their vagina? What is it about inner gender vs. physical gender conflict?
All this sort of brings me back to my original thoughts on being a lesbian. Am I a lesbian? It is a hard label for me to accept. Bisexual doesn’t fit either, and obviously heterosexual is also out the window. I know the closest label for me is probably “femme” but I never felt comfortable with that one either. I far out do my wife in the femininity department, without question, but in past relationships that was not always the case. So does that mean that my femininity is only balanced, brought out, and brightened by contrast? If so, then “femme” is yet another label that doesn’t fit.
Talk of labels is rather stupid, as no one can be grouped together with just general words, right? But why then is it so important for me to feel as though I fit somewhere? I can’t be the only one who feels as I do, I know I am not. I just don’t like feeling as though I am living a lie by saying I am a lesbian, which is somehow exactly how I feel. I realize that others interpretation of me varies somewhere between lesbian and bisexual, depending on how much they know about me and my past.
Living in the gray areas of the sexuality continuum is frustrating at times, yet opens my eyes (and my mouth) to limitless observations and conversations surrounding the topic. I will ask this, in closing, before I head off to work this morning:
What is it about you, reader, that defines your sexuality?
Two little words. My Heart.
It seems to let me know what I find attractive. It throws those persistent butterflies at me. It hurts when I get rejected. It makes me courageous when I feel loved. It doesn’t speak the language of labels and really isn’t concerned with pinning me down via a preferred term on sexuality.
As I’ve said before. Love is the last magic. Who am I to argue with anything or anyone it tells me to do.