Name: Bre
Age: 20
Location: AZ

Okay, my ex of over a year ago and I remained friends after we broke up. I developed a crush on another friend of mine she didn’t know. I told her about it because she gushes to me about the girls she’s attracted to. The two girls met and got along well enough. I thought nothing of it. My ex encouraged me to tell the other girl how I felt. It was awkward and stressful and something I could have done without.

My ex got totally smashed and contributed to me having a very bad night out and I told my crush, hoping to find a friendly ear for my rant. I didn’t know it at the time, but she told my ex the story with some colorful embellishments the same night! Next thing I know, my ex is no longer speaking to me, my crush “has no sympathy for me,” and my other friends aren’t sure if I’m the hateful $!&@# that they’re saying I am. I’ve gotten cursed out twice by the girl I used to like for no apparent reason other than I don’t like my ex as a friend anymore. I should have known my crush wanted to date my ex!
Now, my ex-friend has asked out my crush. It hurts but I think they may just deserve each other.
I’ve straightened out things as best I can, just telling people the truth about this whole mess so that I can keep some of my friends. Problem is, I can’t escape these people, I have to go to class with one and in large social settings I’m bound to run into the two of them, attached at the hip most likely. My ex-crush has apologized for being a jerk and I’ve tried to forgiver her for the nasty things she has said but it’s hard.

I’ve never had any type of drama like this in my life; I usually steer clear of it if I can. What do you make of this and what can I do to help myself out? I’m feeling pretty betrayed and unsure of what course of action to take to minimize the hurt I feel. At least I’ve learned a lesson in who to trust, right?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Bre,
 
I’m not your age.  Haven’t been for a long time.  But I do remember that I often did things that tended to sink my own ship at your age.  It’s about learning from our mistakes and not making the same mistakes again.  All three of you could have done things in a different way than you did, but you didn’t.  Forgiveness is actually pretty easy.  Part of that is forgiving yourself for your part in the drama.   As far as forgetting and moving forward with this crush in some capacity, well, you have to decide.  There are lots and lots of other fish out there – you’ll probably go through a few before you settle down.  That’s natural.  It’s all about finding out what works and what doesn’t.  And, hopefully, becoming a better person ourselves in the process.
 
Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Bre,
 
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that they deserve each other. When all that drama boiled up (funny how alcohol has that effect), you learned that your crush wasn’t a good match. That’s good because you at least you didn’t get serious with her. 
 
Personally, I’ve never found it a good idea to introduce your ex to your new girlfriend. Never. Ever. Let’s face it. The lesbian community can be a bit “incestuous” at times. Not always, but it happens. And the last thing you want your new girlfriend to hear is all the reasons why your ex thinks your previous relationship didn’t work and why it was all your fault. 
 
As for how to handle when you run into the dysfunctionally happy couple (i.e. your ex-girlfriend and your ex-crush), you have to let go of the history. Because it’s just that — history. There is no reason for you to be dragging around all these resentments. It doesn’t help you and it doesn’t hurt them. Let it go and live in the now.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

Bre,

“At least I’ve learned a lesson in who to trust, right?” And so you shall most likely continue learning for the rest of your life. Welcome to the wonderful world of lesbian clusters. Someone that you like will always know someone that you know or once knew. You can try to fight this, or you can just deal with it the best way you know how.

You did things right. All you did was be honest with an ex that you thought was a friend. There’s nothing wrong with that. It sucks that your ex puts the moves on your crush behind your back, but it happens to the best of us. As long as you remember to stay honest to how you feel you are the better person. There will always be drama, it’s all in the way you allow it to effect your state of mind. Perhaps if you had told your crush how you felt about her sooner this wouldn’t have happened. Just remember that next time someone makes your heart go pitter pat.

As for your ex, screw her. Did she always tell you about her new girlfriends to make you jealous? For all you know she could have made the moves on your new crush for the same reason. Who knows why people do what they do. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I promise the drama will fade, just try your best to learn from your mistakes.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Tina-cious

Tina is out of the office.

Tina-cious

Shanna Katz

Shanna is out of the office.

Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.