Hot:

Name: Mads
Age: 21
Location: N/A

i love my girlfriend very much – we are together almost 2 years and we want to get married and have kids eventually… now i know this sounds really good right now, but there is a catch. we have some friends who are a couple… (getting interesting?!?!) anyway – the one girl and i discovered yesterday that there might be an attraction between the two of us… we are talking about it and trying to figure this out… we are both in committed relationships and know that we want our partners and love our partners and have great lives… but there is still an attraction? how can this happen? we have opted to talk about this and try to get some closure… ignoring it would be a mistake i guess? so we are dealing with it like adults. now i like to be honest and tell my woman everything but she can be a little insecure at the best of times and the last thing i want to do is that or hurt her in any other way. i did suggest to (lets call her my crush) that if she wants to come clean that we should sit them down together and explain what was going on… nothing really happened to bring this forward… it was just out of the blue??

can things like this be controlled? should you tell/not tell the other people involved? why do things like this happen? i need some serious advice… i never have and never will cheat on anyone especially not my girlfriend but there is always the question you have to ask yourself even though you thought you had the best the world could offer -what if there is more to life? im young still and very mature but this one i cant quite figure out on my own… also what to do when something happens with my ex even though we think we have it under control? im not really stupid and i do believe that anything can happen/is possible…

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Tina-cious

Hey Mads,

I think the fact that you have a sexual attraction (beyond just finding someone attractive) to someone besides your g/f – that that’s a big indicator of something else at work.

I think that if you are truly, truly in love and are with “the one” — you are blind to all else.

I’ve been with the wife for 4 years and no one else even comes up on my radar.

That’s not to say that I’ve not thought someone else was attractive or even hot — but sexually, they aren’t even blips on the screen.

But in my last (12 year) relationship?  I was attracted to others ALL THE FRICKIN’ TIME.

I think it’s a sign that maybe you aren’t ready for the long haul just yet. 
I’m curious how you two came to tell each other of your attraction…
…my 2 cents…

Truly,
Tina-cious

Lori Hahn

Dear Mads,
 
I don’t think you’d be human if you weren’t attracted to anyone besides your significant other your entire adult life.   It’s pretty normal if you ask me.  But, we all have to make some tough choices when we commit to someone and this doesn’t have to be dramatic.  
 
Here would be my advice.  Dump the girlfriend and don’t settle down until you are 25 – that’s when you really start coming into who you are as an adult.
 
What?  That doesn’t sound like it will work for you?  
 
So, how about this.  You’ve acknowledged the attraction, now acknowledge that you aren’t going to act on it.  You don’t have to talk to everyone about it, just get it in your head that “there it is and I ain’t hittin’ it.”  You could try to talk to your girlfriend about it, but that might backfire.  If you are serious about continuing your relationship and keeping her trust, shut this thing down now. Permanently.  Tell the crush or don’t, but tt really only requires one person to manage.  You.  If you get together a lot with this other couple, you might want to distance yourself for a while to cool things off.  
 
And on that “never” thing?  Well, trust me on this – “never say never” is not a popular saying for nothing.  
 
Good luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Mads,
 
I’m hearing a lot of contradictions. On the one hand, you’re saying you’re very mature and very much in love with dreams of marriage and children, on the other hand you’re crushing on someone else who is also in a committed relationship. Sorry to go all Dr. Phil on you, but in order to get to the heart of the matter, we have to cut through the turdage.
 
The reality is that you’re young and inexperienced. And that’s okay. I was the same way when I was 21 (and I thought I was mature then, too). You’re getting your feet wet in the bewildering world of relationships.
 
It ultimately comes down to what you want. All of us go through a period of time where we like to play the field and see what’s out there. Relationships are brief and not-so committed. How long you want to play the field is up to you. But if playing the field is what you want to do, you need to be honest from the outset with whoever you’re with. Telling your partner that you’re committed while keeping an eye out for “something better” is not cool. It certainly isn’t the mark of maturity.
 
When you really are committed to your partner, people may show up in your life who may appear more attractive or with whom you seem to have chemistry. But just because your “crush” seems attractive doesn’t mean what you would have with her would be any better than what you already have. In most cases, it’s not. Because, if you’re honest, you know that “your crush” would be just as likely to dump you or cheat on you when someone else comes along.
 
If you really love your partner and want to experience the joys and benefits of being in a long-term committed relationship, you have to make a decision not to act out on whims and passing fancies. Avoid putting yourself in risky situations. If you find yourself attracted to someone else, be honest with yourself about it and make the mature situation not to spend a lot of time with that person and DO NOT spend time alone with that person. That includes phone calls, emails and texting. If she flirts, ignore it or call her on it, telling her you’re not interested. Honor the boundaries that you and your partner have established for your relationship.
 
Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Shanna Katz

Mads - 

You’re 21.  While I certainly believe that you are deeply in love with your partner, you’re at such a young age. Of course you’re going to be attracted to other people throughout your life. When you’re at an earlier stage of your life, like you are, and you’ve been in a relationship with someone for more than half of your life as an adult (assuming that adulthood begins at 18), it’s very easy to ask “what else” (although this question is asked by pretty much everyone at some stage of their life).

I think it’s great that you’ve decided to be open about this with your girlfriend. My tagline is “communication is key” and trust me, it’s crucial. If you can’t talk to the person you plan to spend the rest of you life with, well, in my opinion, that says something.

While you may be worried about how your partner may take it, think about how to best phrase it, and you may be surprised.  More and more people are establishing different types of “open relationships.”  This can mean swinging (where both of you go and play/have sex with another couple), watching your partner play/have sex with someone else (and vice versa), going off on your own, not having sex with others but making out is ok, etc.  Although this may not be the right answer for you, perhaps your partner is in fact interested.  If something like this appeals to you, I suggest reading “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino, or “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.  Both talk about open relationships, talking with your partner, etc.

If that is not your cup of tea (and that’s fine too), have a conversation with your girlfriend about this.  You are young; if you get married and stay together for a long period of time, it is likely that this (being attracted to someone else) will happen to both of you over this time, perhaps multiple times.  If you’re choosing to stay monogamous, you both need to figure out what works best for you in these scenarios.  Do you let the other know? Is it ok to point out people you’re attracted to? Would you prefer your partner keep it under wraps?

Regardless of what direction you go, I cannot stress communication enough!

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

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