2008
Taboo: My Mental Illness
To me, my anxiety disorder has never been taboo, but I know that it is to many. I will discuss it freely with anyone who wants to hear about it. The problem I’ve come in to contact with is that I don’t think most believe what I have to say. They all just think I’m a little crazy or that my issues are just part of my eccentric/dramatic persona. The truth is that I wish it were.
Since the age of 20 I have been suffering from panic attacks. I’m also a slight hypochondriac with a huge fear of doctors. (I don’t need to tell you what a bitch that is!) I have been on and off medication for ten years. Mostly off, because when I’m feeling better I forget to take my pills. This tends to lead to a horrible cycle of mental chaos. Providing me with highs and lows that I wish not to recount.
So what goes on in my head? It starts with a physical alment. This could be a pain in my back, a light flash in my point of vision, or constant pins and needles in my hands and feet. I then OBSESS over this symptom. I look it up on WebMD, I give myself diseases that I’ve never even heard of, and I convice myself that I am dying.
I can laugh about it now. I’m good today. I have been good for about two weeks. But two weeks ago I knew I had a brain tumor. I new that each day I saw my family could be my last. All I wanted to do was sleep so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the symptoms and the worry they brought on. Many times one symptom will lead to another and then another and so on. I’ve gone so far as to write a Will for the disbursement of my few belongings. In the weeks and months that I am in this state of mind death is the reality of every single minute of my life.
My favorite response from those around me is, “Just stop thinking about it.” or “Well then go to the doctor.” With all my body, heart, and soul I wish it were that easy. My Father had the same thing and so does his brother. I’ll never forget my Dad talking about a pain in his chest. He was finally going to go to the doctors about it. We both joked that it was probably nothing and just his mind. Six months later he died of lung cancer. His death has only made my mental disposition worse. Because now I know that one of these days one of my symptoms won’t just magically disappear.
The term “Mental Illness” is an umbrella for so many issues that effect individuals on a daily basis. For some their symptoms are more pronounced, others manage to live there lives without anyone knowing what goes on in their minds. I chose to be open about my illness because the best feeling is knowing you’re not alone. Friends and family may joke about it, but if just one person hears me talk about it and it makes them feel better that’s my only concern.
What I have is real. I myself joke about it because that is how I chose to deal with it. It is worry followed by depression and mixed with a fear that is paralyzing. It leads to me being less social. It attaches a stigma to me that comes with taking medication for your mind. Those who do not walk in my shoes will never know the reality of my thoughts and the strain it puts on my mind.
What have I done to get help? I have been to three therapists. I have read books on anxeity. I have tried cognitive therapy. I have been on 4 different types on medications. In this aspect of my life I am still very much a work in progress. Just like being gay this is a part of my life. It is who I am as opposed to who I chose to be. I feel that mental illness is something that needs to be talked about as opposed to something swept under the rug. The best thing you can do if you know someone with a mental illness in your life is take the time to listen. I promise you it can make all the difference in the world.
I also struggle with anxiety and panic attacks (as well as suicidal depression), though less now than I used to. For a while I was on meds, too. Finally, I chose to go off simply because I felt that the meds were preventing me from experiencing my emotions. This was a personal choice and not one that I suggest anyone do without serious thought and consultation with their physician.
Since being off meds, there have been somethings that have helped me. They aren’t quick fixes, but over time they have helped less the frequency and severity of my panic attacks.
The first is that instead of thinking that the panic attacks is who I am, I see it as simply something I am experiencing. In essence, I let go of my victim identity. I wasn’t going to let anxiety dictate who I was.
Also, I made a point to remind myself whenever I get a panic attack that it will pass. It is temporary. It may not feel like it. But with practice I was able to hold on to that thought even through the worst of this.
Another practice (emphasis on practice) is that I focus on where I am right here, right now. For me, panic attacks focus on a past trauma and/or a future fear. But if I make a point to try as best I can to focus on where I am now (“I’m in my room”, “I am breathing”, “I have food to eat”, “I have people that love me”, etc.) By letting go of past or future, even temporarily, it makes the attacks easier to bear.
Finally, I meditate regularly. I find certain music helps. I’m a big fan of Chuck Wolf. I focus on the sensation of air entering my body and then releasing the used air. I count breaths, 1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4. I don’t make a big deal if I lose count or my mind wanders. I just start back at one. Again, this is a practice where I sucked at first and have gotten better over time.
These are simply things that have helped me. Take what you like and leave the rest. Just remember that you’re not alone in facing these challenges. Trust the process.
Peace,
Dharma
Dharma Kelleher´s last blog post..We Get Thirsty Too!