Comments on: -deep breath- http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2008/12/23/deep-breath/ Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:31:31 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: arugula http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2008/12/23/deep-breath/comment-page-1/#comment-5264 arugula Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:15:16 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2130#comment-5264 I just want to add something to these. And that is a very clear statement that, while it may be illegal for a 15 year old and a 20 year old to sleep together, deep breath, the way your parents responded to you was wrong and hurtful. I think it is important that that be very clearly labelled. Surely they love you, surely they care for you, and surely they were able to use "the law" as an instrument of control. But this was wrong. Adults can talk to 15-year-olds. They can ask what happened. They can respond with curiosity, to see if the 15-year-old feels violated. They can have compassion for the way sexuality develops and for the routes it takes. They can talk to the 20 year old. They can suspend their judgments just long enough to get some information on the situation, so that when they do act, it will have the consequence of strengthening their child's capacity to manage complex situations rather than pushing them into a psych ward. Whether your mom "wants" you to sleep with a 20 year old or not is besides the point. the point is, how can your parents HELP YOU navigate the waters of human sexuality, support your autonomy and even respect the fact that you may do things that to them look like mistakes. Your sexuality is not ultimately about what they want. That is a basic existential fact. Once we accept that about each other, I think we can all do a much better job of supporting each other in making wise decisions, children included. Maybe your parents will see the light one day. But whether they do or don't, what just happened to you was wrong. I hope that you have some supportive relationships and some community around you that you can turn to for processing this. When you are out on your own, please pay careful attention to the ways you have been harmed. Your life can be very satisfying and very happy if you spend time experiencing compassion, from an adult point of view, of what has happened to you at this pivotal moment in your development as a full adult sexual human being.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5264','arugula'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5264','arugula','I just want to add something to these. And that is a very clear statement that, while it may be illegal for a 15 year old and a 20 year old to sleep together, deep breath, the way your parents responded to you was wrong and hurtful. I think it is important that that be very clearly labelled. Surely they love you, surely they care for you, and surely they were able to use \"the law\" as an instrument of control. But this was wrong. Adults can talk to 15-year-olds. They can ask what happened. They can respond with curiosity, to see if the 15-year-old feels violated. They can have compassion for the way sexuality develops and for the routes it takes. They can talk to the 20 year old. They can suspend their judgments just long enough to get some information on the situation, so that when they do act, it will have the consequence of strengthening their child\'s capacity to manage complex situations rather than pushing them into a psych ward.\r\n\r\nWhether your mom \"wants\" you to sleep with a 20 year old or not is besides the point. the point is, how can your parents HELP YOU navigate the waters of human sexuality, support your autonomy and even respect the fact that you may do things that to them look like mistakes. Your sexuality is not ultimately about what they want. That is a basic existential fact. Once we accept that about each other, I think we can all do a much better job of supporting each other in making wise decisions, children included.\r\n\r\nMaybe your parents will see the light one day. But whether they do or don\'t, what just happened to you was wrong. I hope that you have some supportive relationships and some community around you that you can turn to for processing this. When you are out on your own, please pay careful attention to the ways you have been harmed. Your life can be very satisfying and very happy if you spend time experiencing compassion, from an adult point of view, of what has happened to you at this pivotal moment in your development as a full adult sexual human being.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> I just want to add something to these. And that is a very clear statement that, while it may be illegal for a 15 year old and a 20 year old to sleep together, deep breath, the way your parents responded to you was wrong and hurtful. I think it is important that that be very clearly labelled. Surely they love you, surely they care for you, and surely they were able to use “the law” as an instrument of control. But this was wrong. Adults can talk to 15-year-olds. They can ask what happened. They can respond with curiosity, to see if the 15-year-old feels violated. They can have compassion for the way sexuality develops and for the routes it takes. They can talk to the 20 year old. They can suspend their judgments just long enough to get some information on the situation, so that when they do act, it will have the consequence of strengthening their child’s capacity to manage complex situations rather than pushing them into a psych ward.

Whether your mom “wants” you to sleep with a 20 year old or not is besides the point. the point is, how can your parents HELP YOU navigate the waters of human sexuality, support your autonomy and even respect the fact that you may do things that to them look like mistakes. Your sexuality is not ultimately about what they want. That is a basic existential fact. Once we accept that about each other, I think we can all do a much better job of supporting each other in making wise decisions, children included.

Maybe your parents will see the light one day. But whether they do or don’t, what just happened to you was wrong. I hope that you have some supportive relationships and some community around you that you can turn to for processing this. When you are out on your own, please pay careful attention to the ways you have been harmed. Your life can be very satisfying and very happy if you spend time experiencing compassion, from an adult point of view, of what has happened to you at this pivotal moment in your development as a full adult sexual human being.

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]]> By: photogurl27 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2008/12/23/deep-breath/comment-page-1/#comment-4423 photogurl27 Sat, 07 Feb 2009 23:50:39 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2130#comment-4423 Ok... I am on both sides of this story... Hard to admit... But, it is true... First point... All people should be more accepting of our lifestyle... Esp our parents who are suppose to love us unconditionally... Which I lucked out there, which is good because all of me and my 2 sisters are lesbians... She shouldn't have just taken it all away from you like that... It wasn't fair, esp without talking to you first... Second point... As a parent myself... You were 15 the girl was over 18... If it is illegal for an older man or woman to date/sleep with a younger girl or boy, when it comes to straight people... THEN... Since we want the same rights, it should also be illegal for us... Just because we are gay it doesnt give us a right to think that we should be above the law... It might suck, and I might be blamed for being something I am not... But, I do know that I wouldn't want my 15 year old daughter with a over 18 man or woman.. I wouldn't want it for my son's either... I was 15 and dating men 18 and older, because I thought I was mature enough for it... But, I got pregnant... And he beat on me... It was a mess... Older men and women are at different points in life... And I agree your love for her, was very real, I could tell just by reading your blog, which was beautifully written btw, but it was still illegal... So as much as it might hurt... Your going to have to forgive your parents, weather silently, or to them... Because, yes they might be wrong for not being ok with your lifestyle, but they arent wrong for wanting to keep the within the law... And lastly, hunny, forgive yourself for letting yourself become so sad over this... Cause no matter the love, nothing should change you... You have to just learn from it and grow from it... I have been depressed, cold and sad for the majority of my life... And 3 and a half years ago, when I finally came out, and was totally honest with EVERYONE I realized that I finally know who I am, and there is no reason to go thru life so sad, mad and hurt all the time... There is so much more to life, and there is more love to be had... Oh and my favorite motto... "Smile, cause you never know who is falling in love with it..." I'm sorry this is so long... I just get on a thought and I can't stop until I am drained... lol -M<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4423','photogurl27'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4423','photogurl27','Ok... I am on both sides of this story... Hard to admit... But, it is true... \r\nFirst point... \r\nAll people should be more accepting of our lifestyle... Esp our parents who are suppose to love us unconditionally... Which I lucked out there, which is good because all of me and my 2 sisters are lesbians... \r\nShe shouldn\'t have just taken it all away from you like that... It wasn\'t fair, esp without talking to you first...\r\nSecond point...\r\nAs a parent myself... You were 15 the girl was over 18... If it is illegal for an older man or woman to date\/sleep with a younger girl or boy, when it comes to straight people... THEN... Since we want the same rights, it should also be illegal for us... Just because we are gay it doesnt give us a right to think that we should be above the law... It might suck, and I might be blamed for being something I am not... But, I do know that I wouldn\'t want my 15 year old daughter with a over 18 man or woman.. I wouldn\'t want it for my son\'s either... \r\nI was 15 and dating men 18 and older, because I thought I was mature enough for it... But, I got pregnant... And he beat on me... It was a mess... Older men and women are at different points in life... \r\nAnd I agree your love for her, was very real, I could tell just by reading your blog, which was beautifully written btw, but it was still illegal... \r\nSo as much as it might hurt... Your going to have to forgive your parents, weather silently, or to them... Because, yes they might be wrong for not being ok with your lifestyle, but they arent wrong for wanting to keep the within the law... \r\nAnd lastly, hunny, forgive yourself for letting yourself become so sad over this... Cause no matter the love, nothing should change you... You have to just learn from it and grow from it... \r\nI have been depressed, cold and sad for the majority of my life... And 3 and a half years ago, when I finally came out, and was totally honest with EVERYONE I realized that I finally know who I am, and there is no reason to go thru life so sad, mad and hurt all the time... There is so much more to life, and there is more love to be had... \r\nOh and my favorite motto...\r\n\"Smile, cause you never know who is falling in love with it...\"\r\n\r\nI\'m sorry this is so long... I just get on a thought and I can\'t stop until I am drained... lol\r\n\r\n-M'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Ok… I am on both sides of this story… Hard to admit… But, it is true…
First point…
All people should be more accepting of our lifestyle… Esp our parents who are suppose to love us unconditionally… Which I lucked out there, which is good because all of me and my 2 sisters are lesbians…
She shouldn’t have just taken it all away from you like that… It wasn’t fair, esp without talking to you first…
Second point…
As a parent myself… You were 15 the girl was over 18… If it is illegal for an older man or woman to date/sleep with a younger girl or boy, when it comes to straight people… THEN… Since we want the same rights, it should also be illegal for us… Just because we are gay it doesnt give us a right to think that we should be above the law… It might suck, and I might be blamed for being something I am not… But, I do know that I wouldn’t want my 15 year old daughter with a over 18 man or woman.. I wouldn’t want it for my son’s either…
I was 15 and dating men 18 and older, because I thought I was mature enough for it… But, I got pregnant… And he beat on me… It was a mess… Older men and women are at different points in life…
And I agree your love for her, was very real, I could tell just by reading your blog, which was beautifully written btw, but it was still illegal…
So as much as it might hurt… Your going to have to forgive your parents, weather silently, or to them… Because, yes they might be wrong for not being ok with your lifestyle, but they arent wrong for wanting to keep the within the law…
And lastly, hunny, forgive yourself for letting yourself become so sad over this… Cause no matter the love, nothing should change you… You have to just learn from it and grow from it…
I have been depressed, cold and sad for the majority of my life… And 3 and a half years ago, when I finally came out, and was totally honest with EVERYONE I realized that I finally know who I am, and there is no reason to go thru life so sad, mad and hurt all the time… There is so much more to life, and there is more love to be had…
Oh and my favorite motto…
“Smile, cause you never know who is falling in love with it…”

I’m sorry this is so long… I just get on a thought and I can’t stop until I am drained… lol

-M

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]]> By: Lauren http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2008/12/23/deep-breath/comment-page-1/#comment-4083 Lauren Sat, 27 Dec 2008 05:19:21 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2130#comment-4083 Hey there. Wow...another one of me out there. I'm 17, and your story sounds awful familiar. I remember coming out and I remember my first love...and I remember the heartbreak. It was months ago now, so it's still fresh for me too. Please stop by my blog and drop me a comment. If you feel like it, I have AIM and email...if you ever need anyone to talk to. I know what it's like to be young, gay and scared. You aren't alone. -Lauren www.lifeunderage.blogspot.com <abbr><em>Lauren´s last blog post..<a href="http://lifeunderage.blogspot.com/2008/12/staggered-breathing.html" rel="nofollow">Staggered breathing.</a></em></abbr><div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4083','Lauren'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4083','Lauren','Hey there.\r\n\r\nWow...another one of me out there.\r\n\r\nI\'m 17, and your story sounds awful familiar.\r\n\r\nI remember coming out and I remember my first love...and I remember the heartbreak. It was months ago now, so it\'s still fresh for me too.\r\n\r\nPlease stop by my blog and drop me a comment. If you feel like it, I have AIM and email...if you ever need anyone to talk to. \r\n\r\nI know what it\'s like to be young, gay and scared. You aren\'t alone.\r\n\r\n-Lauren\r\nwww.lifeunderage.blogspot.com\n\n<abbr><em>Lauren´s last blog post..<a href=\"http:\/\/lifeunderage.blogspot.com\/2008\/12\/staggered-breathing.html\" rel=\"nofollow\">Staggered breathing.<\/a><\/em><\/abbr>'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Hey there.

Wow…another one of me out there.

I’m 17, and your story sounds awful familiar.

I remember coming out and I remember my first love…and I remember the heartbreak. It was months ago now, so it’s still fresh for me too.

Please stop by my blog and drop me a comment. If you feel like it, I have AIM and email…if you ever need anyone to talk to.

I know what it’s like to be young, gay and scared. You aren’t alone.

-Lauren
http://www.lifeunderage.blogspot.com

Lauren´s last blog post..Staggered breathing.

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]]> By: Chelsea http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2008/12/23/deep-breath/comment-page-1/#comment-4069 Chelsea Thu, 25 Dec 2008 17:36:42 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2130#comment-4069 I believe in you. When I was your age, which wasn't long ago at all, I needed someone to tell me that desperately. So I'm giving it to you: I believe in you. I believe you're strong and that you'll sail through this and that when it's all over and you're older you'll look back on it and think, wow, what a trip that was! I believe you can weather through this rough time and when it's over, you'll find yourself staring back at you with a smile. Remember that it's the rough times that define us the greatest. I wish you nothing but luck and love. <abbr><em>Chelsea´s last blog post..<a href="http://textphish.com/2008/12/18/sex/" rel="nofollow">Sex</a></em></abbr><div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4069','Chelsea'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4069','Chelsea','I believe in you. \r\n\r\nWhen I was your age, which wasn\'t long ago at all, I needed someone to tell me that desperately. So I\'m giving it to you: I believe in you. \r\n\r\nI believe you\'re strong and that you\'ll sail through this and that when it\'s all over and you\'re older you\'ll look back on it and think, wow, what a trip that was! I believe you can weather through this rough time and when it\'s over, you\'ll find yourself staring back at you with a smile. Remember that it\'s the rough times that define us the greatest. \r\n\r\nI wish you nothing but luck and love.\n\n<abbr><em>Chelsea´s last blog post..<a href=\"http:\/\/textphish.com\/2008\/12\/18\/sex\/\" rel=\"nofollow\">Sex<\/a><\/em><\/abbr>'); return false;">Quote</a></div> I believe in you.

When I was your age, which wasn’t long ago at all, I needed someone to tell me that desperately. So I’m giving it to you: I believe in you.

I believe you’re strong and that you’ll sail through this and that when it’s all over and you’re older you’ll look back on it and think, wow, what a trip that was! I believe you can weather through this rough time and when it’s over, you’ll find yourself staring back at you with a smile. Remember that it’s the rough times that define us the greatest.

I wish you nothing but luck and love.

Chelsea´s last blog post..Sex

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]]> By: liz http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2008/12/23/deep-breath/comment-page-1/#comment-4066 liz Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:38:54 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2130#comment-4066 The first heartache is always the hardest, although this situation sounds like it's magnified by how the separation came about. Try to take comfort in the fact that we've all been there and we've all made it through. You will too. <abbr><em>liz´s last blog post..<a href="http://thestreetcarchronicles.com/blog/2008/12/24/the-year-in-review-meme/" rel="nofollow">The Year In Review Meme</a></em></abbr><div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4066','liz'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4066','liz','The first heartache is always the hardest, although this situation sounds like it\'s magnified by how the separation came about.\r\n\r\nTry to take comfort in the fact that we\'ve all been there and we\'ve all made it through. You will too.\n\n<abbr><em>liz´s last blog post..<a href=\"http:\/\/thestreetcarchronicles.com\/blog\/2008\/12\/24\/the-year-in-review-meme\/\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Year In Review Meme<\/a><\/em><\/abbr>'); return false;">Quote</a></div> The first heartache is always the hardest, although this situation sounds like it’s magnified by how the separation came about.

Try to take comfort in the fact that we’ve all been there and we’ve all made it through. You will too.

liz´s last blog post..The Year In Review Meme

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