thelesbianlifestyle.com

Ah grade school. Here I experienced my first crush, my first field trip, and my first bout with public humiliation. Being the husky girl that was better at most sports than all the boys was a tough rap to beat. Their insecurities led to my belittlement. Ridicules like “Spam in a can”, “Heifer”, and “Fat ass” colored my preteen years. It was during those years, and more specifically right around the age of 12, that I learned I would have to sink or swim. This heifer could not only swim, she could float better than the rest of them!

It was during this time that I learned that if I made a joke about myself first people would laugh with me instead of at me. Were I to have a pocket therapist at the time, I’m sure she would shove broccoli down my throat to keep me from talking. I became a mini stand up comedian of sorts. Pulling one liners from my ass at all the parties I was now invited to. It seemed that over a Summer I went from the fat girl to the girl who could make you cry if you messed with her. All the while I was still that scared little girl with horrible self esteem deep down inside.

I recently hung out with the same girl I had my first crush on over the holidays. Despite the different paths our lives have taken we have remained friends for over 20 years. Each time we get together it’s as if we left off exactly where we began. In front of my brother, sister-in-law, and a few friends she declared.

“You were so evil in middle school. Evil like ruin people’s lives evil. You were always so mean to me when we were around people. How are we even still friends?” (Let me ad a note here to state that I was mean to her back then because if I wasn’t I’m pretty sure I would have dry humped her during class. I liken my “game” back then to a scene from Top Gun in which Kelly McGillis confesses her love for Tom Cruise.

Maverick: [as Charlie screeches to a halt after chasing Maverick on his motorcycle] JESUS CHRIST, AND YOU THINK I’M RECKLESS? WHEN I FLY, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MY CREW, AND MY PLANE COME FIRST!

Charlie: Well, I am going to [bangs the car's door] FINISH MY SENTENCE, LIEUTENANT! My review of your flight performance was RIGHT ON!

Maverick: Is that right?

Charlie: That’s right, but I held something back. I see some real genius in your flying, Maverick, but I can’t say that in there. I was afraid that everyone in the tax trailer would see right through me, and I just don’t want anyone to know that I’ve fallen for you.

I still haven’t grown out of that there little issue.)

The words stung. Because it wasn’t but a few weeks ago that another friend told a story of how I ruined her life in the 6th grade. I was beginning to think I would soon receive a call to be on a talk show entitles “Confront the Bitch that Wronged You on the Playground!”.

It seems that in my want to not be made fun of I became the person I hated the most. The Bully. God help me I don’t remember most of the things that I did. Although I can feel the remorse even now when I’m reminded of the things I can do nothing but take the blame for. I can still name the girls lives that I had ruined. Banning one to sit all alone during lunch and another to cry in front of the entire school as we fake made up with her. (That’s right I said “Fake” made up with her. A group of friends and I pulled her out of the locker room. We told her we were sorry and wanted her to be a part of our group again. The was followed by a hug and then all of us screaming the word, “NOT!” Who the fuck was I!?!?!?!)

Needless to say looking back on things makes me wonder. What if I had remained Fat Kelly and decided to rise above the vicious put downs? Would I be a stronger version of myself today? Would I love myself? Would Karma have dealt me a better hand in adulthood?

I’ll never know. The wings of the Asshole Me Butterfly started to flutter back then and so the tides took their turn. I can tell you that now I HATE showing any emotions, I NEVER let people get too close to me, and I have a hard time accepting any form of compliment. The bully in me knows I don’t deserve them.

I don’t know where the girls, now women, are that I hurt. If I did I wouldn’t expect any forgiveness. I did what I felt I had to do back then and will be paying for the therapy for the rest of my life because of it. But what I didn’t see then I can clearly see now. With the upcoming new year I will be making changes. Though I cannot take back what I have done it doesn’t mean that I am chained to who I was forever. This was, after all, 20 some years ago. It’s just that I need to put it to rest. I needed to say that I was a “Mean Girl” and I didn’t stay that way to impress Lindsay Lohan. I took on the characteristics of those that I had the least respect for. I was a middle school bully

All in all I’m a tad fucked up, but aren’t we all. This is just me saying I’m sorry. Sorry for those who remember me back then and even to those who chose to forget.