thelesbianlifestyle.com

Amazing what a trip down Memory Lane it is to clean out your house. That was my project this weekend. I went through old papers, my desk, some closets, just organizing, shredding and heaving things I once thought I needed. As I was tearing through my bedroom closet, I spotted it–my old briefcase.

I actually had forgotten the briefcase, which is interesting because it once held items I treasured dearly. I ran my hand across the top, whisking away a fine layer of dust that had accumulated, and exposed the locks. I still remembered the combination, although I had not used it in many years. Inside, everything was as I had left it.

There were books on coming out, a couple of yellowed copies of Philadelphia Gay News that I had smuggled into the house, an ancient copy of The Advocate, an unused dam, pages I had written when I was just realizing I was a lesbian. One piece of flotsam caught my eye…an event calendar from The Cartwheel, my first gay club, which has since burnt down and been demolished. There were copies of Planet Out personals…a couple of women I wanted to meet. I don’t remember if I really met them or if I just wanted to. There were telephone numbers and email addresses, mostly of other lesbians who were in the same position as me…married and terrified of what was going to happen to us. There was a card from the first woman I dated, which made my heart clutch.

I examined these items with a deep sense of nostalgia and remembered back at how forbidden it all was, how scared I had been. The memory caused a shiver to go down my spine, even after all these years. When I was using the briefcase, I would never have been able to conceive that I would be writing this on the internet, for anyone to see. Or that I would be “out” at work. Or that I would be driving around with a gay sticker on my car! Yet all these things are true.

The fear was a good thing to be reminded of, since I have started to take my “outness” almost for granted. The briefcase was a physical reminder of the palpable fear, the uncertainty and the anxiety that I used to live in, day after day, and that my clients live in now. With perseverance and courage and determination it is possible to beat the fear back, to keep it at bay and to live your life the way you want to.