TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #19

Jan
2009

Hot:

Name: N/A

Age: 40
Location: Washington, DC

How do most lesbians handle an issue of their partner/wife wanting her ex to continue to be part of the family and her best friend? Even if that relationship is killing the relationship between the two of you because she is confiding in her rather than you. I feel like it is emotional robbery or cheating.

The ex is of a 10 year relationship with children that they had together. They had been separated for 6 years but still act as though they never split except that they do not sleep together (that I know of) and do not live together. Everything else looks, seems, and feels the same. I feel like the third wheel when they are together.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Worried in Washington,

When kids were involved with a previous relationship (whether straight or gay), it’s not unusual for the exes to remain in contact. When they’re best friends, it does make one wonder why they ever broke up in the first place.
From what you’ve shared it sounds like there is some distance and distrust between you and your wife. You have to decide whether this relationship is worth trying to save. If you decide it is, then my suggestion would be to work on the communication and trust in your relationship. Let her know what your feeling (without blaming or attacking) and be willing to hear what she’s thinking/feeling/experiencing. Hopefully, over time, you can reach a place of open communication and trust.
If she remains distant or you can’t reach a place where you feel you can trust her, then it’s probably time to walk away.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Lori Hahn

It doesn’t really matter if the partner’s ex is a man or woman, but I’m curious nonetheless. I’m guessing you were aware of this relationship when you became involved with your partner. You don’t mention how long the two of you have been together. Also, curious. But, for a more important reason. Navigating the new stages of a relationship where children are involved is tricky. The partner has children with this person – that’s a pretty lifelong commitment – and a positive relationship with the ex is important to maintain for the sake of the children. But, she also appears to be clueless about what your experience is right now.
Let’s, for argument’s sake, say the ex is a woman. We do that, we lesbians, keep our ex lovers as confidantes and bosom pals. What seems to be the issue here is no clear boundary has been established between the two of them. Makes me wonder why they are no longer together, in fact. And, makes me wonder why your partner is where she is. To me, it would be unacceptable (based on the barest of facts given) that one’s partner shares most of her intimacies with another.
If you haven’t spoken with her, do. Plan your conversation and hit upon the points that are stickiest. Don’t try to have the conversation as part of an argument or when you’ve “had it.” Think hard and outline in writing what concessions she would need to make to make things bearable for you. Ask her to put herself in your shoes. I’d even suggest counseling so some boundaries can be established. I fear if you try this on your own, she may balk, as right now she gets her cake here and is able to eat it too. If all of this fails, I’d unfortunately put her in the “emotionally unavailable” category and move on, as painful as it might be.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Kelly Leszczynski

I believe this is one of those issues that needs to be looked at on a case by case basis. We all want our lovers to be our best friends. So what do we do when we no longer love our best friend? I think that in lesbian relationships the lines get a bit blurry. I also think that it’s very important to have someone you can confide in that isn’t your lover. With that said I can see how having an ex as a best friend would be a bit awkward and would cause hurt feelings for the current girlfriend.

I think the answer lies somewhere in the trust you have for your partner and in the confidence you have in yourself. If my partner told me that her and her ex were just friends I would have to believe her because I trust her. However I would also need to trust myself if I felt that it was more than just a friendship.

In your situation children are involved so the ex will always be around. I think it’s a matter of whether or not you trust your partner and have the confidence in yourself to know you are the one she wants to be with. If you don’t, I fear it may never be the relationship you hope to have.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Shanna Katz

It’s hard, because we want sometimes to feel like we are everything that our partners need. It can be really frustrating for them to have a close friend with whom they spend a lot of time, and it makes it even harder if they just so happen to be an ex.

Your situation gets yet another hard point, because they have children. It’s not one of those situations where you can ask her to take a step back from her ex for a little. She can’t do that, because that would mean taking a step back from her kids.

My suggestion? Tell her how you feel, phrasing it in the least accusatory way as possible. PLEASE don’t tell her she’s wrong for doing this, or that she has to do anything else — rather, let her know that you feel like she’s confiding in someone other than you, and that you feel a little hurt and/or frustrated by this. Ask her if there is something that you are doing that may be preventing her from confiding in you…and be willing to listen to what she has to say with an open mind.

Do you not like the ex because she’s an ex? Or not like her as a person? Or not like her because your partner is hanging out with her so often? Have you tried spending time together with your partner and the ex? Perhaps that would help you feel more connected with your partner, and more secure that there isn’t something else going on. Also, you could see the connection there, and maybe understand more of why they spend so much time together, etc.

I wish you the best of luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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Comments

4 Responses to TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #19

I was always one to break-up and never see or speak to my ex’s again. my motto was: they are an ex for a reason. Now comes my latest ex. I was with her for 5 years and something happened: I still love her, but not in that sexual/relationship way. To me, she will always have a special place in my heart.

With that said, your wife loves you in a way that will not compare with her ex. Don’t push her away by making her chose, because remember, you have chosen to start a relationship with her, knowing full well that she had kids and that meant having to communicate with the ex. You need to remember, she has chosen you in her life and that means that she loves you now. That ex is an ex for a reason, and you need to overshadow those reasons by just being you.

p.Johanna´s last blog post..Ongina

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by p.Johanna on January 28th, 2009 at 4:18 PM

Have to disagree with you Johanna – it sounds like this woman’s partner is using her ex as a wife without sex. In divorces, whether they are gay or straight, a divorce implies an emotional severing. Not a continuing of the best friend thing, which makes the woman unavailable emotionally to her current partner – if we have all the details. You can have fond feelings for an ex and work well with the ex on matters relating to the children, but to have that intense emotional tie (on the level of best friend status) is not fair to the correspondent who would probably prefer a full and mature relationship with her partner where a third did not hold such big sway.

Any relationship requires negotiation. And, because there are children involved, the negotiations are important for the continued good relationship with the ex and for the current relationship to grow and thrive. The writer should not remain quiet – it’s important that they navigate this difficulty together. If the current partner is willing, they should discuss it in detail – it’s not a matter of choosing one or another, but of the two of them working together to make the relationship they are both now in one in which both parties feel valued and are able to be true partners and not make one of them feel as though she’s along for the ride in someone else’s life.

If it were me, I’d be making an appointment with a couples counselor to help negotiate this because I have a feeling the current partner is going to give the writer a pretty rough time over this.

lori´s last blog post..2009 Lezzy Awards

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by lori on January 29th, 2009 at 11:50 AM

Well Lori you were right – This partner gave me the ride of my life that I will never forget. The children were never the issue. It was the third person controlling the relationship. The update is that this partner decided that she had to find herself and leave me in order to “fix” herself. But in the mean time still lean on her ex. Go figure?
Anyway, it hurt like hell; over and over going back and forth making the final decision to finally let it go. I loved her more than anyone in my entire life. Definitely a big lesson learned. Thanks for everyone’s comments and advice.

in DC

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by Writer on March 12th, 2009 at 1:34 PM

oh yeah, one more thing … I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me many times. She refused. Now she is going by herself. Her therapist told her that her behavior with her ex is perfectly ok and that she should end things with me even though I told her that I would except the situation as it was. That was confusing!!

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by Writer on March 12th, 2009 at 1:44 PM