Comments on: TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #19 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/01/28/tll-qa-advice-panel-installment-19/ Sun, 06 Nov 2011 06:14:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Writer http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/01/28/tll-qa-advice-panel-installment-19/comment-page-1/#comment-4668 Writer Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:44:24 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2448#comment-4668 oh yeah, one more thing ... I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me many times. She refused. Now she is going by herself. Her therapist told her that her behavior with her ex is perfectly ok and that she should end things with me even though I told her that I would except the situation as it was. That was confusing!!<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4668','Writer'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4668','Writer','oh yeah, one more thing ... I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me many times. She refused. Now she is going by herself. Her therapist told her that her behavior with her ex is perfectly ok and that she should end things with me even though I told her that I would except the situation as it was. That was confusing!!'); return false;">Quote</a></div> oh yeah, one more thing … I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me many times. She refused. Now she is going by herself. Her therapist told her that her behavior with her ex is perfectly ok and that she should end things with me even though I told her that I would except the situation as it was. That was confusing!!
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]]> By: Writer http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/01/28/tll-qa-advice-panel-installment-19/comment-page-1/#comment-4667 Writer Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:34:52 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2448#comment-4667 Well Lori you were right - This partner gave me the ride of my life that I will never forget. The children were never the issue. It was the third person controlling the relationship. The update is that this partner decided that she had to find herself and leave me in order to "fix" herself. But in the mean time still lean on her ex. Go figure? Anyway, it hurt like hell; over and over going back and forth making the final decision to finally let it go. I loved her more than anyone in my entire life. Definitely a big lesson learned. Thanks for everyone's comments and advice. in DC<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4667','Writer'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4667','Writer','Well Lori you were right - This partner gave me the ride of my life that I will never forget. The children were never the issue. It was the third person controlling the relationship. The update is that this partner decided that she had to find herself and leave me in order to \"fix\" herself. But in the mean time still lean on her ex. Go figure?\r\nAnyway, it hurt like hell; over and over going back and forth making the final decision to finally let it go. I loved her more than anyone in my entire life. Definitely a big lesson learned. Thanks for everyone\'s comments and advice. \r\n\r\nin DC'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Well Lori you were right – This partner gave me the ride of my life that I will never forget. The children were never the issue. It was the third person controlling the relationship. The update is that this partner decided that she had to find herself and leave me in order to “fix” herself. But in the mean time still lean on her ex. Go figure?
Anyway, it hurt like hell; over and over going back and forth making the final decision to finally let it go. I loved her more than anyone in my entire life. Definitely a big lesson learned. Thanks for everyone’s comments and advice.

in DC

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]]> By: lori http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/01/28/tll-qa-advice-panel-installment-19/comment-page-1/#comment-4318 lori Thu, 29 Jan 2009 16:50:03 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2448#comment-4318 Have to disagree with you Johanna - it sounds like this woman's partner is using her ex as a wife without sex. In divorces, whether they are gay or straight, a divorce implies an emotional severing. Not a continuing of the best friend thing, which makes the woman unavailable emotionally to her current partner - if we have all the details. You can have fond feelings for an ex and work well with the ex on matters relating to the children, but to have that intense emotional tie (on the level of best friend status) is not fair to the correspondent who would probably prefer a full and mature relationship with her partner where a third did not hold such big sway. Any relationship requires negotiation. And, because there are children involved, the negotiations are important for the continued good relationship with the ex and for the current relationship to grow and thrive. The writer should not remain quiet - it's important that they navigate this difficulty together. If the current partner is willing, they should discuss it in detail - it's not a matter of choosing one or another, but of the two of them working together to make the relationship they are both now in one in which both parties feel valued and are able to be true partners and not make one of them feel as though she's along for the ride in someone else's life. If it were me, I'd be making an appointment with a couples counselor to help negotiate this because I have a feeling the current partner is going to give the writer a pretty rough time over this. <abbr><em>lori´s last blog post..<a href="http://hahnathome.com/?p=1670" rel="nofollow">2009 Lezzy Awards</a></em></abbr><div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4318','lori'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4318','lori','Have to disagree with you Johanna - it sounds like this woman\'s partner is using her ex as a wife without sex. In divorces, whether they are gay or straight, a divorce implies an emotional severing. Not a continuing of the best friend thing, which makes the woman unavailable emotionally to her current partner - if we have all the details. You can have fond feelings for an ex and work well with the ex on matters relating to the children, but to have that intense emotional tie (on the level of best friend status) is not fair to the correspondent who would probably prefer a full and mature relationship with her partner where a third did not hold such big sway.\r\n\r\nAny relationship requires negotiation. And, because there are children involved, the negotiations are important for the continued good relationship with the ex and for the current relationship to grow and thrive. The writer should not remain quiet - it\'s important that they navigate this difficulty together. If the current partner is willing, they should discuss it in detail - it\'s not a matter of choosing one or another, but of the two of them working together to make the relationship they are both now in one in which both parties feel valued and are able to be true partners and not make one of them feel as though she\'s along for the ride in someone else\'s life.\r\n\r\nIf it were me, I\'d be making an appointment with a couples counselor to help negotiate this because I have a feeling the current partner is going to give the writer a pretty rough time over this.\n\n<abbr><em>lori´s last blog post..<a href=\"http:\/\/hahnathome.com\/?p=1670\" rel=\"nofollow\">2009 Lezzy Awards<\/a><\/em><\/abbr>'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Have to disagree with you Johanna – it sounds like this woman’s partner is using her ex as a wife without sex. In divorces, whether they are gay or straight, a divorce implies an emotional severing. Not a continuing of the best friend thing, which makes the woman unavailable emotionally to her current partner – if we have all the details. You can have fond feelings for an ex and work well with the ex on matters relating to the children, but to have that intense emotional tie (on the level of best friend status) is not fair to the correspondent who would probably prefer a full and mature relationship with her partner where a third did not hold such big sway.

Any relationship requires negotiation. And, because there are children involved, the negotiations are important for the continued good relationship with the ex and for the current relationship to grow and thrive. The writer should not remain quiet – it’s important that they navigate this difficulty together. If the current partner is willing, they should discuss it in detail – it’s not a matter of choosing one or another, but of the two of them working together to make the relationship they are both now in one in which both parties feel valued and are able to be true partners and not make one of them feel as though she’s along for the ride in someone else’s life.

If it were me, I’d be making an appointment with a couples counselor to help negotiate this because I have a feeling the current partner is going to give the writer a pretty rough time over this.

lori´s last blog post..2009 Lezzy Awards

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]]> By: p.Johanna http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/01/28/tll-qa-advice-panel-installment-19/comment-page-1/#comment-4308 p.Johanna Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:18:58 +0000 http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/?p=2448#comment-4308 I was always one to break-up and never see or speak to my ex's again. my motto was: they are an ex for a reason. Now comes my latest ex. I was with her for 5 years and something happened: I still love her, but not in that sexual/relationship way. To me, she will always have a special place in my heart. With that said, your wife loves you in a way that will not compare with her ex. Don't push her away by making her chose, because remember, you have chosen to start a relationship with her, knowing full well that she had kids and that meant having to communicate with the ex. You need to remember, she has chosen you in her life and that means that she loves you now. That ex is an ex for a reason, and you need to overshadow those reasons by just being you. <abbr><em>p.Johanna´s last blog post..<a href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/blogspot/ffgg/~3/X-2KOv84rcc/ongina.html" rel="nofollow">Ongina</a></em></abbr><div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('4308','p.Johanna'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('4308','p.Johanna','I was always one to break-up and never see or speak to my ex\'s again. my motto was: they are an ex for a reason. Now comes my latest ex. I was with her for 5 years and something happened: I still love her, but not in that sexual\/relationship way. To me, she will always have a special place in my heart. \r\n\r\nWith that said, your wife loves you in a way that will not compare with her ex. Don\'t push her away by making her chose, because remember, you have chosen to start a relationship with her, knowing full well that she had kids and that meant having to communicate with the ex. You need to remember, she has chosen you in her life and that means that she loves you now. That ex is an ex for a reason, and you need to overshadow those reasons by just being you.\n\n<abbr><em>p.Johanna´s last blog post..<a href=\"http:\/\/feedproxy.google.com\/~r\/blogspot\/ffgg\/~3\/X-2KOv84rcc\/ongina.html\" rel=\"nofollow\">Ongina<\/a><\/em><\/abbr>'); return false;">Quote</a></div> I was always one to break-up and never see or speak to my ex’s again. my motto was: they are an ex for a reason. Now comes my latest ex. I was with her for 5 years and something happened: I still love her, but not in that sexual/relationship way. To me, she will always have a special place in my heart.

With that said, your wife loves you in a way that will not compare with her ex. Don’t push her away by making her chose, because remember, you have chosen to start a relationship with her, knowing full well that she had kids and that meant having to communicate with the ex. You need to remember, she has chosen you in her life and that means that she loves you now. That ex is an ex for a reason, and you need to overshadow those reasons by just being you.

p.Johanna´s last blog post..Ongina

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