TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #20

Feb
2009

Hot:

Name: Gina

Age: 20
Location: VA

I’ve recently accepted that I’m into women and seeing how I’ve only been with guys until now I really don’t know how to label myself- bisexual I guess, or maybe just “sexual” lol.. I’ve joined my university’s GSA and I LOVE meeting people there but this is a whole new perspective on dating for me.. I know how to flirt with guys and I know how to be intimate with them but I’m clueless about being with girls…I’ve come out to my friends already and they’ve been awesome and supportive but I would truly love an experienced woman’s perspective on entering the dating world as a 20 yr old new lesbian~ thank you SO much for your time, and advice, I just don’t really know who else to ask.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Gina,

My suggestions really are the same for all relationships, whether straight or gay.
Start by loving yourself. If you can’t love yourself, no one else will.
Have fun being a single person. Being a lesbian or bisexual isn’t about hunting for “the one” and pulling up the U-Haul. It’s about living the freedom of being yourself. Don’t be in too much of a rush to get “married”.
Be safe. This includes safe sex, but also avoiding anything that is physically or emotionally harmful to yourself. People can do crazy things and put up with crazy things in the name of “love”. This includes, but is not limited to, drug use, drunk driving, abusive relationships, etc.
Don’t expect anyone to make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness; no one else.
Don’t expect a girlfriend to know what you’re feeling/thinking/wanting unless you tell her. Likewise, don’t assume you know what she’s feeling/thinking/wanting unless she tells you.
When meeting and courting a potential girlfriend, just be yourself. Don’t pretend to like something that you don’t just because she likes it. Which is not to say you can’t be open to experiencing new things. But always be authentic.
Just because someone shows an interest in you doesn’t mean you have to go out with her. Figure out what’s important to you in a relationship and stick with that.
When it comes to dating and sex with a new partner, awkwardness is normal. Just be yourself and have fun.
Hope that helps! Congrats on coming out!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Lori Hahn

Yes, I agree with you, at 20, you are probably just “sexual.” It’s okay. We all lay (no pun intended) in different places on that spectrum of sexuality – and that in itself can be very fluid.

Here’s my best advice for how to hunt the elusive lesbian – or boys for that matter: Be authentic. Be yourself. Being anything else is just silly. There will be those who find your true personality scintillating and when you are just who you are, the relationships you develop will be far more satisfying. And, you may find, in much quicker time, where you fall in that spectrum comfortably.

Good luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Shanna Katz

Congrats on coming out! I’m glad that you’re found such wonderfully supportive friends, and great resources at your school like the QSA.

As far as how to identify, it’s really a DIY (do it yourself) adventure! Some people who identify as lesbians had sex with men before they came out, but as they are not attracted to men at this point in their life, they identify as lesbian. Other people use terms that are more inclusive of attractions throughout their lives, and the idea that sexuality is so fluid; great words for this idea are pansexual (liking many sexes) or queer (which is how I identify — I know I’m not straight, but I am also not limiting myself solely to female bodied, women identified people). You can choose to identify however you want — I suggest just letting things flow for now, and figuring it out as you go. And if you’re like many people, identities are constantly evolving and changing. I know mine has.

Regarding flirting, there is no 12-step guidebook. I know it can be hard, because sometimes you don’t know if they’re being friendly back in a friend way, or if they’re flirting with you (and often times, they’re wondering the same thing about you!). However, the best way is just to connect with people you’re attracted to; talk to them about interests, classes, their view points on different subjects, etc. Invite them to events on campus, to watch a movie in your dorm room, etc. Feel them out — does it feel like a friend, or maybe more? If you’re still not sure, you can also mention that they’re someone who could really see yourself becoming attracted to, and see how they respond. It’s a lot of trial and error — flirting is like that for people of all sexualities.

Good luck, and again, congrats!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.