2009
Is sexual autonomy possible?
Sometimes I just don’t know what I want. And I hate that about myself… I love my partner, but she is my first girlfriend and not only does that freak me out, but I know that monogamy is not right for me at this point in my life. Maybe it is selfish, but I know that I need to be with other people and experience my sexuality and try to figure out who I am (I know that this may not help me figure this out, but it is something I feel strongly about). And even though sexuality is not the only important part of my life, it is new for me and something that I want to explore.
My girlfriend is an amazing person, and I cannot imagine my life without her. She has helped me discover so much about myself I was never aware of before. Monogamy is important to her, and I don’t want to lose her, but I feel that I need to be true to myself. At times I get very depressed and can’t snap out of it because I feel that something is missing, that I am stuck at this place in my life and don’t know how to get out, or where I want to go.
Sex and sexuality are an extremely important part of our lives, and yet are such taboo topics in our society. I personally believe in sexual autonomy (or believe that it would be an ideal way of life). I don’t think that anyone else should have an ownership of someone else’s sex life. I wonder where this idea of cheating, adultery, and ownership over a lover’s sex life came from.
But with most of the world not believing in sexual autonomy what is one supposed to do? I do want to keep my partner happy and not do anything that would hurt her, but does that mean changing who I am, or denying myself something that I feel is an inherent part of who I am?
Also when open or polygamist relationships do happen, how do they work? What types of living situations are set up? How much communication happens about the other relationships? Is there one partner who is the most intimate/important?
I am sure most of this depends on the relationship and situation, but I am interested in what other queer woman think about this issue.
If your girlfriend truly loves you she would want what’s best for you. She will know that it will hurt like Hell to lose you, but that losing you is better than thinking that you settled for her. I for one would not want someone to remain with me because I was her first. Nor would I want to remain with someone who still needs to explore sexually. (That may come of mean, but I don’t mean for it to come off that way at all)
I think you need to do your own thing. Live life, be with other women, find out even further who you are. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not an easy thing either. It’s just that if you’re not true to yourself it will be very hard to ever be true to anyone else.