Name:Victoria
Age: 35
Location: SC

I have recently found myself to be very attracted to a women who has a very masculine demeanor. My question is, could it be I like her for her personality or is it because she reminds me of a male. I do not want to start anything with her and end up hurting her or myself.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Victoria,

This is tough.  I, for example, am butch-identified, but prefer feminine looking or andro/femme-women.  I don’t think my partners think of me as a male, but I do put out some of that kind of energy.  Are you thinking of her sexually?  And, is she attracted to you?  I once had a girlfriend who did not identify as lesbian, but “attracted to the person.”  She believed this then, but now identifies as lesbian.  I know someone else who was attracted to a woman, loved her deeply emotionally, but couldn’t get into the sex.  She went back to men, but then met a woman who rocked her world in every kind of way and now identifies as a lesbian.  I’ve also known women who’ve dabbled and decided they are not lesbian or bisexual.  

It’s always a danger that someone is going to get hurt in a relationship.  If we didn’t try based solely on that, it would be a very big world full of very lonely people.  You can’t take on deciding if pursuing this is right for her – that’s her choice and not within your control.  The only thing in your control is how you behave and communicate if you do proceed.  Be honest at every step of the way to the best of your ability.  It can be a little scary jumping in a pool you’ve never swam in before – adjusting to the prejudices and fallout of those around us can often be terrifying, but I’d say go for it.  Find out.  You might find out you have met the love of your life.  

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.  Discover.”
~ Mark Twain

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Victoria -
I think you’ve answered your own question when you said “We have connected mentally.” You didn’t say “we’ve connected because she embodies traditionally masculine traits.”  You have a connection – what does it matter her gender, identity or presentation.  While it may not work out (because MANY relationships don’t work out), I highly doubt her gender presentation will have anything to do with it…and maybe it will work.

As a side note, I’ve been in relationships with a fair number of queer people who prevent more masculinely, and I’ve always been attracted to THEM, not to their similarity to a gender role/stereotype. It is definitely feasible

Have fun!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Victoria,

To know thyself is the greatest wisdom. So many of us (lesbian, straight and bi) find ourselves trying to figure out who it is we are attracted to and why. Asking ourselves these questions is a good thing, too. It’s healthy. Just don’t drive yourself crazy with it.

It could very well be that part of what attracts you to her is her masculinity. Nothing wrong with that. The question that only you can answer is, Are you comfortable with the idea of being intimate with her? If you’re not sure, take the next step (whatever “next step” means to you) and see how you feel. So long as you are honest with yourself and honest with her about what you’re feeling, I think you’ll both be okay.

There is a really cute movie called “Kissing Jessica Stein” about a gal who’s struggling with this very issue. But keep in mind that you situation may end differently than the story in the movie.

Just remember to start with love and trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Butch Awakening,

Girl — speaking from someone who adores butch women — you have nothing to worry about there …  just because she possesses a masculine vibe doesn’t mean that a) you are really attracted to men or b) that she’s any less woman than a femme — unless of course she’s trans but that’s a whole other story.

If there is an attraction — explore that!  Don’t let the fact that she has masculine characteristics scare you away!  If you’re drawn to her then why should that matter?

It doesn’t make you any less gay to be diggin’ on a butch woman. 

Trust me on this one.

…my 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Victoria,

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if all of us fell in love with someone’s personality first and foremost. My advice would be to follow your heart/gut. See where it takes you and go from there. If you don’t try you’ll never know. And I know a whole lot about that scenario!

Just do what you can to be true to yourself and your feelings. Be open to the feelings and don’t avoid them. We should do all we can for love, no?

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.