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All right here it is, one of my biggest fears… women; which is difficult and problematic when you are attracted to them. But that doesn’t change the fact that they freak me out. (I think this is one of the main reasons why I am scared to try an open relationship or follow my belief in sexual autonomy—but that is a whole separate issue). Every time I look at a woman, or even think about a woman, I freak out a little bit. I don’t know how to hit on women, I don’t know how to act around them. And this is especially true for women that I knew before I came to terms with my sexuality.

I am not afraid of men (well, not in the same way I am afraid of women—but again that is another story), I know and am comfortable hitting on them, flirting with them and showing them that I am interested; but this is not so with women—no, not at all. Just the mere thought of acting interested in a woman send chills through my body and I begin to sweat and feel anxious; which is an unfamiliar feeling for me, being that I am usually very confident in myself. I blame much of this anxiety and fear on our heteronormative society, which has socialized me to be comfortable showing sexual interest in men, and not in women. Everywhere I look I see portrayals of heterosexuality. Everything I watch, read, and listen to sends messages that affect my conception of sexuality, beauty, relationships, etc, etc. Now, of course, not every single medium or message I come in contact with is adherently displaying heterosexuality, because as a queer, educated, and well-rounded woman I seek out messages and media that oppose this and support alternative lifestyles and sexualities, (also being a graduate student who studies media images, I deconstruct portrayals to create my own messages and meanings). But none of this changes the fact that I (and everyone else) am affected.

I try to be progressive and consume alternative media sources and think critically about the portrayals and messages being thrown at me from all directions; but I am still so incredibly scared of women—all women (butch, femme, straight, bi, gay, etc.). I think this would be an ideal place to say I have horrible gaydar on women (I have always been great picking out the guys, but when it comes to women, I have NO idea—I am literally like Dana in the first season of the L Word).

I know I cannot blame our heteronormative society for all my fear and anxiety [but I can certainly try ], I must take responsibility for myself and figure out what scares me most about women and how I can confront and overcome these fears… So what does scare me? Rejection seems so obvious (yet also true); as a perfectionist I am deathly afraid of failure and rejection, but I think my angst and apprehension are rooted in more than simply fear of rejection, or I would also be nervous to show interest in men. Again going back to the comfort in displaying attraction/interest towards men, I believe that I know the right “role” to play in my exchange with men. I know how to act, who to be, and what I can get out of them—I realize this sounds like a strange way to be discussing men, but unfortunately (or fortunately, if you prefer) it is true. Usually, when I would hit on a man in the past I would have something specific in mind that I thought I wanted or needed (most usually a free drink, but also someone to dance with, someone to fulfill my sexual needs and desires, something to aid in proving my attractiveness or self-worth, something to help me fit in, or just something to keep me from being bored).

With women it is different—I want more. There is no particular “role” that I have learned to play, no preset standard conversation starter that I know can get my foot in the door. I want to get to know women, I want not only to be validated in my attractiveness and self-worth, but also in my newly discovered sexuality. I want to be good enough. I want to make them happy, I want to prove that I am different, or special… or something. I can’t put my finger on it right at this moment, but there is something there that I still feel I need to prove with women, that is just not the case with men. Maybe I am nervous about a woman’s cattiness, or emotions, or the stigma that surrounds women (yes, I am stereotyping and generalizing, but I think we can safely say I have done that throughout this whole post). I guess I don’t really know at this point what it is that scares me, but I have heard the first step is admitting you have a problem—so here it is, out in the open—“I have a problem, I am scared of women.”

Really this post is just a stream of consciousness of something that has been on and off my mind recently (more on really). I am growing and learning about who I am and my sexuality, and I need to confront my fears—the most monumental (right now) being my fear of women.

I am sure most of us have been at this place before, and maybe many (perhaps you) still deal with the anxiety that comes in the presence of a woman. But it is a part of life we must face on a daily basis living our lives as queer women and with other queer women. But we are all women… so shouldn’t that make this easier?!