The lesbian friendship-Fact or fiction?

Mar
2009

The lesbian friendship-Fact or fiction?

Due to numerous events in my recent past I am beginning to believe that it is impossible to be “just friends” with another lesbian. Every time I have tried this approach it has failed miserably which is very unfortunate, as it leaves me with no gay friends to relate to. Don’t get me wrong. I love the friends I do have. But I just want to be able to talk to someone who understands on occasion.

Well, the first girl I was friends with put the moves on me, as they say. We were just chilling watching a movie and she suddenly leaned over and kissed me. I was shocked and confused, but I went with it. Why not right? Unfortunately it didn’t work out as a relationship, and then the possibility of friendship was ruined.

Second girl. I met her at a club. I know that’s not the best start to any friendship or relationship, but it happened. We started hanging out and she said she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She also detailed her history of having random NSA sex with girls. I just accepted it and began thinking of it as a cool new friendship. However, on occasion she would say things that just didn’t fit in with everything else. For instance, one day she called me and told me she wanted to come over and give me a massage. Entirely bizarre and out of nowhere in my opinion. Fortunately she called me back later and said she couldn’t come over because she wasn’t feeling sexy. After the phone call was over I just stared at my phone and went “Huh?”. What the hell did feeling sexy have to do with our friendship? Nothing. I think she was a little confused about what a friendship is. Or she wanted more. I’m not sure which. But eventually she found out I was looking to meet other girls and she suddenly stopped speaking to me. I never heard from her again.

Third girl. We were hanging out at a local gay bar and just having a few drinks with one of my guy friends. Unfortunately she and I both got a little more drunk than we had intended. But I wasn’t too concerned. Everything seemed pretty normal, and my guy friend was there and a lot less inebriated. So, at the end of the night when we parted ways I gave her a hug, which I see as very vanilla and friendy. However, as I attempted to leave she went in for a kiss. I backed away because I didn’t feel that way about her. It was very awkward. I talked to her a few more times, but I never saw her again. She moved back out west.

Fourth girl. This girl was actually non-labeled as opposed to being lesbian. She is more of the girl of my dreams type. We met online and I was thrilled. She was funny, extremely intelligent, and completely gorgeous. I was hooked from the start. So we started dating. It was very casual, but I always felt like it was leading to something more. However, after the second time we saw each other she had a bit of a life crisis. For various reasons (important reasons that I completely understand) she decided she needed a bit of space and time to herself to think about her life. However, it also seemed to kill the friendship to some degree. I haven’t seen her in…almost 2 months now. I understand someone’s need for space. I’ve been there before too. But I don’t understand not even being able to hang out every now and again. I don’t expect a relationship from her, as that would be unfair. But I would still like to be friends in this time while she works things out. But, she will do what she will, and I will try to get over it. She begged me to stick with her despite all of this, and I am trying.

Fifth girl. I also met her online. She claimed to simply want a friend, which I was down with. New friends are always fine by me. But now that things have cooled with girl #4 they seem to have picked up with #5. When #5 heard me talk about how things weren’t so great with the other girl, things started to change. At the end of one drunken night she went in for a kiss. I turned me head and got a kiss on the neck instead. I wasn’t ready to move on from girl #4 (I’m still not). The other day we hung out again. Somehow she ended up leaning on me between my legs as I sat on a stool. She was a bit toasted so I was fine with it. Some people just get touchy feely when drunk, which I totally understand. Though I was completely sober so it seemed a little odd. Anyways. At the end of the night I got another neck kiss. Ummmmm….no clue what that is about. I would like to believe that she gives everyone neck kisses. But I am having a hard time convincing myself of it.

And that is my entire history with girls. As a result I am beginning to see the lesbian friendship as a total myth. But maybe I am not only unlucky at love, but also at friendship. What do you think?

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Posted by: Phoenix
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Posted in Dating, Girlfriends, Relationships, Your Personal Blog
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9 Responses to The lesbian friendship-Fact or fiction?

I totally think lesbian friendship exist; I think the key that most lesbians don’t do is to communicate and discuss expectations from the beginning.

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by Jill on March 1st, 2009 at 4:46 PM

Maybe your problem is that youre meeting girls at bars and online. OF COURSE there is going to be an underlying expectation of sex when both of you are drunk and single. Lesbian friendships work when the focus in the friendship is on something OTHER than lesbianism. Have a friend who happens to be a lesbian. Someone older than you or in a relationship or a close co-worker. People who go to bars or look for people online are looking for sex. People who are out there working, taking classes, joining clubs, having hobbies – they are the ones who are looking for friends. In that context, lesbian friends are totally possible.

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by Audpicc on March 1st, 2009 at 10:13 PM

I had to put my 2cents in here … for a while I fell into a group of lesbian friends. It was more like I was recruited. They even had a myspace page with an application. OK, OK, I actually filled it out, but that’s not the point. For a while we were all friends. But things fell apart when people dated people the group didn’t like or gel with and long story short, I never see them anymore. But from what I hear, some of them are still very close.

I think that lesbian friendship is VERY possible, but since it’s a bunch of women involved, we need to talk everything out, UP FRONT, before anyone gets the wrong idea.

Don’t give up hope, just be super duper clear with the next girl you meet. It might feel presumptive on your part, but you’ll both breathe easier in the long run. Trust me.

Sasha´s last blog post..Chivalrous Lesbians ROCK

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by Sasha on March 2nd, 2009 at 9:04 PM

Well it’s nice to pretend that there are lots of places to randomly meet other lesbians. But I personally have never just happened to run into another lesbian in my entire life. Perhaps it’s because I live in an exceptionally conservative area and people aren’t very open about that, but it has given me issues. I have joined a young lesbian group. But that is about 7 people, and I really don’t expect to find my soulmate in a group of 7. That would be too lucky. I am looking for other options, but it’s really hard to do. So yes, I do resort to those things. I wish I didn’t have to. But that’s life in a conservative area I’m afraid.

Phoenix

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by Phoenix on March 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 PM

There are a few things that have been consistent in my life experience:

- The lesbians I end up actually having friendships with are lesbians I Wouldn’t ever be attracted to otherwise. I identify as butch, and I’m attracted to femme women. I don’t have a lot of femme friends because I’ve had the same experience – wires get crossed, signals get mixed, and the friendship suffers because of it.

- (Generalization alert) People like attention. Sometimes positive attention can be misconstrued for attraction. I agree with Sasha and Jill: communication is paramount in order to make sure everyone is on the same page.

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by G on March 2nd, 2009 at 11:20 PM

Ok. Phoenix, I agree w/ G, Sasha and Jill about communication: even tho it could be a little awkward, expectations should be made clear at the start. But, expectations can and do change.

Also, I noticed in your reply (2/2, 9:06pm) that you talked about finding your soulmate in a group of 7? I thought we were talking about friendship? I’m wondering whether you, too, may be a little confused as to what it is you want from meeting women?

Although I agree w/ alot of what Audpicc said, but I think that women who meet online don’t want only sex–like you, some women’s choices of venue are limited. Seems to me that women who join clubs, have hobbies, or take classes are looking for friendship and for love–not necessarily both–although some want to build a relationship on the secure foundation of friendship. What do you think?

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by Diane on March 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 AM

@Diane – What do I think? Hmmmm….first thought-touche my friend. Touche. Fair point.

Second thought-I need to think more carefully about what I really mean before I type things.

Final thought-I have no clue what I’m doing and you have now brought that to my attention. Hard truth. And yes, when I meet these people I look at them at potential relationships. However, as soon as one of us says “Let’s just be friends” I take that as the final word. I guess I don’t define boundaries sufficiently. Hmmmm….well, that’s food for thought from all of you. My thanks.

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by Phoenix on March 3rd, 2009 at 3:37 AM

Phoenix, things generally tend to get easier with experience. I’m just starting out and am fairly clueless as to how to negotiate this whole love/friendship thing. Your question and thoughts made me think about what I want, too–so thanks for your help and best of luck in your search for both friendship and love…

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by Diane on March 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 AM

Well in this day and age you’re up against anyone and anything but that doesn’t mean all lesbian friendships end up being relation ships…. I agree with Jill that there are ways to just be friends with a lesbian…you just have to know the right things to do or say in the situation at hand. Case in point, if you know you only wanna be friends try making that clear without sounding rudee or anything like that…it worked for me up until I became one then I made it clear when I didn’t want to be with people in that way. All in all it seems to always manage itelf…if you have anymore questions I’m free to answer them…..

Keep your head up Phoneix….you seem cool..

<3 Katt!

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by AuriesLover_KittKatt23 on July 7th, 2009 at 11:17 AM