Name: Kristi
Age: 40
Location: MI

i have been in relationship w/a younger woman for going on 4 years and the sex is like pretty much not there. she states she has had this “sex’ problem in all her previous relationships she has no interest in sex or kissing. i have asked is it me? are you sure you are gay? what is it? we talk about it and she says she wants to change but….4 years and still no change! do i move on??

signed,

ready for a change

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Kristi,
While I cannot relate to those who don’t have interest in sex and most especially kissing, there are those who have no such desire. She’s told you. She’s said it’s a problem from the past too, so it’s not you.  No two sex drives are equal. Stop resenting her – it’s you placing unrealistic expectations on her in her current state of sexual drive.

Yes, you move on if you want a healthy adult, sexual relationship with someone whose libido more closely aligns with yours.  Stay if you want to continue having a really good and loving and loved friend who will occasionally have sex with you.

As to her lack of sex drive, if I were her, I’d have it checked out by a physician and then, possibly a therapist.  She might have had some negative experiences as a child that keep her from opening up fully sexually to anyone.

Either way – whether she “wants to change” or not – you have to decide what is most important to you without putting it on her to change.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Kristi,

Ah, yes. The dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. You are certainly not alone in this.

The fact is that some people are basically asexual (little or no sex drive). For asexual people, this isn’t usually a problem. However, if they are in a committed relationship with someone, it can create a conflict of needs. While there may be ways for the asexual person to increase libido, it has to be that person’s decision. It’s not yours.

After four years of no change, it’s apparent she isn’t changing any time soon. And that’s her right. It’s not bad or good. It’s just who she is. Don’t try to coerce or manipulate or whine or complain. It will not help the situation.

All you can do is make a decision. Do you stay and accept that the relationship, while committed, is a nonsexual one? Or do you leave and perhaps develop a relationship with someone else? Both are valid answers.

I know of a couple who struggled with this. The one with a sex drive learned how to take care of her own needs (a dildo and a little imagination). It worked for them. But it doesn’t work for everyone. You have to decide what’s right for you.

There are couples who have open relationships, and generally they work out the rules ahead of time (like not bringing anyone home, etc.). If you feel comfortable, you might bring this up as a possible solution.

Sex is a wonderful thing, but there is more to life, and more to being a lesbian, than sex. Heresy, I know, but true nevertheless. Figure out what is most important to you in a relationship and trust the process. There are no right or wrong answers. Just choices and consequences.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Kristi,

BOY can I relate!

I was in a relationship for almost 12 years with a woman who pretty much stopped having sex with me for the last 6 years of our relationship.

I went through the entire gambit of self-loathing because of it.  Ultimately, I ended up cheating on her because I just needed SOMEONE to touch me.

Finally one of those affairs turned into something more and I finally left her.

Come to find out later that sexual abuse in her past was the culprit, but she didn’t feel the need to discover that in therapy until after our relationship was beyond repair.

If she won’t bump up the intimacy on her own or at least get some therapy to find out what her issue is — then, well, she’s not really showing that she cares about your own sexual health now is she.

Don’t wait until your self-esteem/worth erodes — give her an ultimatum and stick to it.

You’ll never get these years back.

…my 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Kristi,

My guess is that there is an underlying reason for her lack of interest in sex. This could be anything from something that happened in her past, a chemical imbalance, or her current state of mind in regards to your relationship. My best advice would be to talk to her about it, but seeing as you already have the ball is now in her court. In that case I would want to know if she wants a sex life. If she does, is she willing to see a doctor or a therapist to attempt to discover the reason for her lack of libido. If so, the steps should be taken to get to the root of the problem.

The human sex drive is a fickle thing. The human mind is even more fickle. Your love for her should be first and foremost, as I’m sure it is. You’ve taken steps to talk about it and I believe the next step is allowing her to see how amazing sex can be, even if it’s only a kiss.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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