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I have grown up in a very conservative environment, especially as an Indian female in South Africa. SA has its own issues with race just like the rest of the world and of course being anything but heterosexual is an issue for millions of people out there.  We were never exposed to love and life like most people, its actually kind of hard to explain. The words ‘I love you’ are not mentioned by your parents to you or by your friends. But you just knew that they loved you. Yet my parents are very open minded people and changed my school once they could and I went to a ‘white’ school from grade 6.

That is when I think my whole outlook on life started to transform, where girls had boyfriends at such a young age, and the words ‘ I love you’ were said all the time. Huge change for me personally. When I got to High school i found myself  looking at girls a little differently. I didn’t realize it then, only when I look back at my life now. You know being a teenager has its own ups and downs, and you grow and learn. During my High school career I met a few boys and dated them… very briefly though. In my first year at college I started exploring my curiosity on girls and started dating girls and coming out to my friends about my sexuality, even though I didn’t know at the time what it was.

I met a girl in my second year at college and we dated for about 8 months, I loved her but never fell in love with her, but she fell in love with me. During my time with her, I must admit I was a very experimental phase of my life, and kissed some guys and girls. It is wrong I know that now but I was so confused then. After we broke up I thought to myself I cant do this with girls. So I started dating guys again. CONFUSED be the word. In all of that I started falling in love with a girl, someone who just wanted to be friends because she isn’t/wasn’t gay as she says. We started messing around and fell in love with each other, which she doesn’t admit up to this day because she had a boyfriend at the time that she was in love with.

Which then made me come out to my family and friends, to my surprise my family have been really supportive, but they don’t really talk about it because I haven’t really brought anyone home as a girlfriend yet. Being Indian and so conservative this is really out of the norm, I expected the worse but my family have been really amazing. My friends have also been totally awesome and support, some don agree with my lifestyle but they love me for who I am.

After working for a few years i moved cities and was now in the big city of Jo’burg, where everything is so easily accessible. From drugs, alcohol to sex. Sadly I fell in that trap and got into cocc and that came with having sex with both men and women. I never got addicted which I am thankful for, but you get so consumed by that sort of life. And in all of this I met my girlfriend. The most crazy ways to meet someone but we did. She was my ex flatmates girlfriend and its was 1 of those moments we laid eyes on each other and that was that. But I will leave our romance for another post on another day.

So in all that time I have realized that I am bisexual, I really enjoy both men and women equally. I have realized it is definitely not about the gender now but about the way I need my partner to connect with me. It has been a crazy journey thus far,.. but i am still young. I am in my mid 20’s. I have so much still to learn about myself and also grow as a person. It is hard to understand life in general and the confusion of the past few years didnt make it any easier. All I can say is that the best thing I have done is give myself the time to find myself. To be honest and true to my feelings.

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