thelesbianlifestyle.com

(I originally wrote this for my personal blog http://livinglifewithoutborders.blogspot.com/)

Lately, I have been thinking (I tend to do this a lot, maybe too much) about heteronormativity. My thoughts have been on this topic because of my desire to come out to those I work with. The thought of coming out makes me anxious though because I don’t know what to do or say (which I know have mentioned in my blog before).

But as I have pondered this, I come back to a point that I firmly believe—why should we have to “come out” at all? I completely understand why it is beneficial (in this world) to come out and tell those around you who you are (aka your sexuality), to not hide from yourself. I would argue that I am most definitely not hiding from myself. I am still trying to figure out who I am, but I am comfortable with my sexuality and it is the world we live in that makes me uncomfortable with it because I will not conform to fit in a particular category or label. I am not gay and I am not straight, and I am okay with that. I don’t consider myself bi either (though I see nothing wrong with people who do identify as bi). I think there is a stigma that goes along with bisexuality. Many people don’t understand that just because you are dating (or sleeping with) an opposite sex partner does not make you straight, just as sleeping with someone of the same-sex does no make you gay. Our sexuality doesn’t change because of whom we are seeing at that particular time. I usually call myself sexual (when I am forced to label), and say that sex is not a factor in who I fall in love with and have sex with. I don’t believe in a dichotomy of sexualities, and even my continuum theory is beginning to change as I think more abstractly about the concept of sexuality.

I have to say that I am most comfortable without labeling at all. To me this is not the easy way out; it is just me trying to be completely honest and true to myself. Sexuality is fluid and though I don’t believe that we jump from sexuality to sexuality, neither to I believe that anyone is completely and firmly entangled in one. What is sexuality? How do we define it? I argue it is different for each person. My sexuality may encompass more than just whom I have sex with, someone else’s may not. And that is great, it is important that we accept and celebrate our differences.

I one time gave a speech to an upper level communication class while I was an undergrad on heteronormativity. I tried to get my classmates to think about what it would be like if we lived in a homonormative society (ideally I would prefer a non-normative society, but I didn’t think I could get them to think quite that abstractly). I performed a role-play for them, by pretending that I was heterosexual and had to “come out” to my parents by telling them that I was attracted to men. I think only a handful of people in the class actually comprehended what I was saying (maybe not even that many). But it is important to me to try and get people to think outside of what they are comfortable with.

Even today I think about how our society is set up with heterosexuality being the accepted, “normative,” and hegemonic sexuality, which is kept in this position by continual actions, happenings, social norms, the media, etc.

Realizing that same-sex couples clearly do not have the same rights as opposite-sex couples I still believe there are certain same-sex couples and members of our community that society is more comfortable with than others: The extremely flamboyant gay man, the butch lesbian (but not quite genderqueer), and a same-sex monogamous couple that falls into heteronormativity by playing “masculine” and “feminine” roles. But if an actual aspect of sex gets brought into the conversation then all-of-the-sudden these deviant sexualities are not accepted (or even tolerated). Our sexuality is something that can be handled as long as we don’t bring up sex (unless, of course it is women having sex with each other simply for the pleasure of men).

I (as many of us who make up the “queer” community) do not fit into these “tolerated” categories. I am feminine, I am working with my identity currently, but am most likely a femme (and love it—I wouldn’t have it any other way because this is who I am). But I “pass” way too often as heterosexual because of the way I look. And I will not change who I am or how I look to fit into a box of “tolerated” categories of people. This is me, take it or leave it.

When I came out to my mom (which is an entirely separate story), she told me that I was wrong, that I wasn’t attracted to women because she KNEW me. She raised me, I loved dresses and Barbie’s and makeup; I am one of the most feminine people she knows, so how could I be seeing a woman?! She (like so many others) blamed it on bad experiences with men, as well as a lack of trust of men. And though I cannot deny that my experiences have undoubtedly shaped the person I am, in no way has my sexuality been changed by those few awful encounters.

I don’t really know where I was going with this, but wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a homonormative (or non-normative) society?