Name:
Carrie

Age: 34
Location: N/A

Three months ago, my partner of three years told me she had feelings for another woman and she wanted to explore them. We had not been having problems and although I had wondered about this developing friendship, I asked if it was more than that and she assured me it was not. I trusted her. This was completely unexpected. Everyone (including me) thought we had the “perfect” relationship. I initially suggested a trial separation but it quickly became apparent she was not deciding between the two of us so much as deciding if she really wanted to be with this new woman. She did not want a romantic relationship with me. So, I told her we just needed to say we were over and if somewhere down the road we reconnected, so be it. The problem is even though I know I need to move on, there’s this small part of me that wants her back (and believes it can happen). To make things worse, our lives are inextricably intertwined. We work together (and neither of us can afford to quit). I can’t afford to move, so I still live in the home we shared. (It is her house.) Many of our friends are the same. We co-parent a puppy. I also can’t stop obsessing about her new relationship. How do I get rid of that part of me that’s sabotaging any effort I make to move on?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Carrie,
Man, that sucks.  Here is what stuck out at me right away.  Tell me if this is what you hear too:

My partner wants someone else but there is nothing wrong with our relationship.

My guess is she’s not being honest with you about there being nothing wrong between you.  Why do we stray from our primary relationship?  Often, it’s because we think someone else is going to “fix” what is wrong inside of us and when we realize they don’t fully, many of us just move on to the next victim instead of finding the cause.  Really, go read this, it’s going to make a lot of sense.

But, I just kind of get a little sick when I hear, “Tired of you, moving on because I can.”  There really isn’t any commitment that merits the term “partner” if we just trade up when we get sick of the one we’re with.

I’m not saying you could not win back her heart – I mean – you have homefield advantage.  But, do you really want to?

Without having two parties who really want to understand where the disconnect is and it sounds like both of you are living in your own brands of denial right now, a lasting connection doesn’t stand much hope of succeeding.
My advice would be stop making excuses and get moving.

You can move—you can borrow money, take a second job, or take up origami and sell them on the streets for that matter.  Eventually, moving will become an edict – your girlfriend is not going to want you around once she finds the honey she wants around (and even if she does, the new honey ain’t gonna’).  Your friends will probably split on who keeps who for a while, but that all settles down if you keep the trash talk down.  There will be other puppies.  But to say you are inextricably tied is really something that exists only in your mind.

It hurts and it’s going to continue to hurt because you don’t really understand why.  And, you have a lot of life to live.  Maybe she will come back someday.  But, my guess would be no and it will keep you from loving fully if you hold that hope in even the tiniest way.

Best of luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Carrie,

When a longterm relationship fails (whether gay or straight), extricating yourself is almost always messy. Living arrangements, belongings, friends, children, pets and in your case workplace are all difficult to sort out. It can greatly increase the pain of ending the relationship. Questioning your decision to end it is normal.

It’s pretty clear that your relationship is over. It’s sad and it’s going to take time to heal from it. But in order for that healing to begin, you need to find your own space. I know you say you can’t afford to move, but it’s in times like this that we have to consider all of our possibilities. Perhaps there is a friend or acquaintance who will let you stay with her/him for free (or in exchange for housecleaning duties, etc.) until you can get a little more settled. Or maybe you can find a roommate situation on Craigslist. Even if the new place isn’t ideal or is barely tolerable, remember it’s just a stepping stone until a better opportunity is available.

The work situation can be kind of tricky. You didn’t give many details on whether the two of you run a business together or if you simply work in the same department at a larger company. In any case, it’s up to you to decide whether working with her is a problem. I’ve known exes who were able to be civil enough to keep it from interfering with the work. If the two of you can’t do that, start sending out resumes. Even in these tough times, there are jobs to be had.

Perhaps the most difficult part of the breakup is the puppy. The two most important things are your sanity and the puppy’s safety. It doesn’t sound like the puppy is in any danger, unless you try to move into a place with the puppy that doesn’t allow dogs. If you can work a custody arrangement out with your ex without too much shouting and vindictiveness, do so. If worst comes to worse, just walk away without the puppy and grieve the loss. I know that seems hard, but prolonging the fight is worse.

Last, but by no means least, is the issue of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a normal response to a situation in which we want to opposing things. In this case, you want to be happy, but are conflicted about how to do that given the current situation. Part of you wants to move on. The other part wants to magically restore the relationship to its former glory. Obviously, it is the latter that is the problem. That part of you doesn’t want to acknowledge the sad reality of the situation. And to varying extents we all do this.

The solution is to acknowledge your feelings of grief. Cry all you need to. Talk to a therapist or a counselor (e.g. pastor, rabbi, etc.) if you think it might help. And then release your ex with love to the care of the Universe. This is why finding your own space is so crucial.

I know this is hard, but it will get easier and you will heal. Continue to learn how to love yourself and trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Carrie-ing a Torch,

I’d say that you won’t be able to move on until you move out.  Seeing her every day — having friendly nice moments and possibly even sex (most people I know who still live w/ their exes have sex at least one more time after the breakup) is SO not good for you.

Can you move in with a friend? Relative? Someone else until you can afford to rent a place?

I don’t see how it’s possible for you to get over someone who you are constantly around.. and watching her new relationship flourish will only hurt you all the more.

You have to do what’s best for you.

My 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Carrie,

Until you are able to remove yourself from the current situation I’m afraid I see no hope. Your mind needs time to cleanse itself of all that’s happened. Your heart needs a rest, and that won’t happen if you have to see this woman every day.

I know you were probably hoping for an answer that suits your financial situation a bit better, but I fear there isn’t one. Unless, of course, one of the other panelists have come up with some advice better than mine.

Out of sight out of mind. You need to focus on you and living and working with the woman you still love who wants to be with someone else cannot be healthy. Perhaps you have family or friends you could move in with for a bit. Brush up your resume and see if you can’t turn a bad situation into a new beginning as far as your career is concerned.

I know all this sucks, but I truly believe that time and space are what you need the most right now.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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