thelesbianlifestyle.com

I don’t know what I am anymore. Or maybe, deep down I do, and always did but have been told so often that it’s “wrong” that I’m afraid to admit the truth. Yea, maybe it’s denial. Maybe, it’s a phase that’s lasted…20 years O_o maybe… But that’s the thing- I’m too full of maybes and at this point, I don’t have enough certainties in my life. So I’ll let you know what I do know, and hope you women out there can help me understand what it is I have been going through all these years. Hopefully, you can share similar experiences and feelings…

I guess first I should point out that my parents are the most conservative people on Earth. They are super religious and have gone to church every Sunday since before I was born. Now that I’m older, they have eased up and seem more open to how the world is evolving but with the topic of gays- I have lived 20 years being subjected to antigay talks, church preachings and surrounded by individuals who strongly believe it’s against God’s will. So basically, all my life I was told it was wrong, wrong, wrong. *sigh*

My certainties: I know that when I was six, in first grade, I had a huge crush on this girl in my class named Julie. She sat in the front row of the classroom, first seat to the left closest to the door. I adored her. She was the smallest girl in the class, but she was so cute with her light brown pony tail and overalls that she loved to wear all the time. I used to imagine what it would be like to kiss her. Of course, at that age, I hadn’t kissed anyone so perhaps the idea was just exciting and wasn’t gender specific. I don’t know. But sorry, I’m trying to tell you what I do know so moving on. I know that I told my mom I liked Julie. She told me it was normal to like her as a friend- of course she assumed I meant as a friend. Well, there I was, 6 years old with a crush on a girl who I liked as more than a friend. I listened to my mother’s words- did liking her in a different way make me not normal? I decided I couldn’t ever bring it up again.

At 8 yrs old I had an old childhood friend sleepover. Being kids, we shared a bed and we ended up experimenting…a lot. I liked it! But the next day I felt so ashamed that we kept it a secret. I felt like I had done something wrong. I knew if my parents found out I would get the belt for sure. I was in fear for weeks that my friend might let it slip. I was also always told that lying to my parents didn’t matter because God knew everything and he would know what I was doing even if they didn’t. Needless-to-say, I basically thought I was going to hell.

At around 9-10 years old I ended up having a sleepover with a neighbor and we ended up kissing a lot that night. Again, I liked it. It was like being 8 all over again. I was terrified of my parents finding out and I felt so ashamed over the fact that I liked it so much. By that age, I was in 5th grade and knew that boys were supposed to be with girls and anything other than that was considering wrong. I couldn’t confide in anyone or even discuss my feelings to try to figure out what was going on with me because I was afraid of what they might do to me. I decided to just stop. But I couldn’t help having crushes on certain female teachers at my middle school and girls in my grade who I thought were gorgeous. as long as i looked and didn’t touch….

I had my first boyfriend at 12. Again, there was a lot of experimenting going on and I saw a penis for the first time. I thought it was weird, but even after messing around I didn’t feel nearly as guilty or ashamed of myself as I had with the girls I messed around with. I decided that’s because that’s the way it is supposed to be and I should just continue to be with boys because it was the right thing to do. Well, I spent the rest of those years up and throughout high school with boys and several boyfriends. However, I was never in love with them. I was in love with the feeling I would get when they would feel me up or do anything to me. Blame those crazy sex hormones raging in teens everywhere! However, by high school I also started acting antigay…any time someone mentioned something about gay marriage or gay relationships I would talk about how it was wrong and go all Biblical on them. Basically, I shot out the b.s I was always fed about it and told them they did have a choice about who they wanted to be with. i think i was trying to convince myself….

After h.s, in college [where I am right now at 20yrs old] my hormones seemed to have settled majorly. I hook up with guys from time to time but I feel nothing out of it really. I feel minute satisfaction when I am with a guy, but I can neverrrrr climax. I always lie and tell them I came so they’ll just stop and leave. It always feels like a chore. I constantly find myself trying to think of ways to stop mid-play or sex or anything and just go back to my room. I don’t know why that is. My friends all fawn over guys I meet as friends, and I’m like hmmm, they are really hot…or so they say. So I tell myself I should go for them and I do. But the “attraction” I tell myself is there faded so fast into the first kiss that I doubt it was ever really there. My parents question me about my lack of boyfriends since h.s and now I make a point to get one for about a month during the summer to get them off my back. But I force myself to be with them and it doesn’t make me happy at all. Overall, when it’s just a girls night in, I find myself resisting the urge to cuddle with my girl friends because I know they would get freaked out. I’ve had friends sleep over in h.s and I had a full bed, so we shared. And it was so hard to resist cuddling up next to them too. But if I’m with a guy sitting on my bed, I have no problem staying away and just chilling like friends. So there I am. I’m 20yrs old, I’ve only ever been with guys after I was 9/10 and I don’t know where to go from here.