Name:Frankie
Age: 28
Location: Oregon

I am beginning a new relationship and I am really crazy about her, and extremely attracted to her, but I am having the hardest time putting it into words and giving her compliments. She’s not super butch, but definitely a dyke and no words seem to fit. The word beautiful, to me its kind of a femme-y word. But she is a woman, and I don’t want to call her handsome. I feel stupid and inarticulate. I guess also that in the past I’ve been shallow and have usually dated conventionally attractive people and so this is new for me, to really be physically turned on by someone’s personality and way, and our connection not just shape and looks. I just don’t want to sound phony or like I don’t mean it, cause I do mean it but also I don’t, cause the words don’t seem right.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Frankie,

When my girlfriend looks at me with those loving eyes and says, “You are such a good-looking woman,” it makes me feel good—I sometimes question her sanity and might suggest she get her annual vision exam, but still.  However, when she chooses to use the word “pretty” I squirm a little.  She chooses handsome, which by definition means, “Pleasing and dignified in form or appearance.”  Handsome is not a term exclusive to men by any means.  Try it on and see the reaction it gets.  And, really, who is the compliment for—you or her?

But, here are some others to try on for size:

“I love the way you look, especially when you’re looking at me.”

“When I catch sight of you, it makes me so glad you’re mine.”

“When we’re together, and I look into your eyes, I feel so loved.”

You get the idea.  It’s tough at first to speak the language of romance, but saying simple things like these keeps it romantic, keeps the lines of communication open, and makes the woman you love feel appreciated.  And, I know you want her to know how you feel, right?  Practice a little until it doesn’t sound so silly to you.  Come up with one every day.  You can do it!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Frankie -

First of all, good for you for trying to think about the proper language to use.  Having spent a good deal of time speaking to and enamored with women who identify as butches, bois, etc, I have to say that the best way is to ask her.  I know some who love to be called handsome.  I personally love that term. Others, however, are not so into that word.  Here are some suggestions of adjectives that you might want to use, although of course asking what terms your partner prefers is always the best plan!

*Winsome
*Handsome
*Stunning
*Studly
*Brilliant
*Amazing
*Outstanding
*Intelligent
*Hot
*Attractive
*Lovely
*Sexy
*Interesting
*Intriguing
*Delightful
*Yummy
*Fuckable
*Fabulous
*Dandy
*Dapper
*Etc.

As always, communication is key.  Talk with her, tell her how attractive you find her, and so on.
Best of luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Frankie,

I am so happy to hear that you are in love. When it comes to complimenting her and expressing your love, just speak from the heart, even if that means saying, “I am so attracted to you that words fail me.” Or even something as simple as “Being with you fills me up with such joy.” Feelings are hard to put into words sometimes. Just do your best.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Frankie,

This is an interesting question.

In my case, my wife is very butch.  So, I tend to use handsome a lot and she appreciates that.  But, there are times that “beautiful” is the only word that fits.
…and honestly, it’s whatever word you feel fits at any given time.

If she’s looking particularly butchy — take “handsome” out for a spin.  I’m sure she wouldn’t be offended by a “don’t you look handsome” if she’s looking butchly.
But of course, you could also go for “adorable”, “hot”, “sexy”, “attractive” and all of those terms that don’t imply a gender.

I’m pretty sure that she’d be happy to receive compliments from you so long as they are genuine.

If you were to say something like “pretty” and she didn’t like it — I’m sure she’d give you some kind of indication that it’s not the look/compliment she was going for.

My biggest suggestion, though, is that you should absolutely not hold back the compliments due to wordage.  That’s just a bad idea.  Everyone loves to be complimented and many feel the loss when they aren’t.

….my 2 cents….

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Frankie,

Sometimes there simply aren’t any words. I’m sure you can find other ways to let her know how you feel. There’s also an old fashion letter, which to me is the best gift ever. I think that with time the words will come to you. As you discover more about her and more about who the both of you are as a couple. Until then I wouldn’t stress about it. Sometimes I think we get too caught up in words. Try your best to just feel and let that take you where it will. My bet is that she will be able to see it in your eyes.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.