thelesbianlifestyle.com

I’m a liar.

Not to other people, of course – that would be wrong. I pride myself on my honesty, my ability to cut through the bullshit around a situation and get right to the core of an issue. Other people ask my opinion about things because I tell it like it is and don’t get caught in the details.

Except to myself.

I used to tell myself all sorts of lies, and I’ve had a history of being okay with that. I’ll go to any expense to make sure I provide an honest safety net for my friends, but I haven’t always given myself that same priority.

This changed a couple of years ago, when my long-term relationship ended. That gave me the opportunity to take a long look at myself, to see what I might have done that contributed to it. I also realized how many things I should’ve paid attention to in the moment and how many red flags I ignored for the sake of making my relationship work.

That’s not to say my relationship didn’t have it’s wonderful moments, because it did. But I realized after the fact that there were some core things I overlooked, and by doing that I wasn’t true to myself. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time by going with the flow, by being unselfish, since I didn’t want to upset my partner at the time with things I considered trivial in the long run. But the long run is precisely when all the signs, the red flags and the previous premonitions I’d had came back to the surface after I’d dismissed them for so long. By ignoring them and not talking to my partner, I acted selfish – accomplishing the very thing I’d tried so hard to avoid.

I don’t regret the relationship, and I don’t regret my choices associated with it. I’ve learned that just like with any other relationship, honesty is the most important foundational piece.  When I don’t put that first, it’s not okay.

Written for TLL’s monthly topic for March and also posted on my personal blog, “Can I Help You, Sir?“