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I had the great fortune of a fairly unproblematic “coming out”. I was older, not living at home and no longer financially dependent upon my parents. I first told my mother, who had gay friends, without much fanfare. “So, you’re a lesbian” was her response to me telling her I’d gone on a date with a girl. She had little difficulty defining me in a way I wasn’t exactly prepared to do myself. Although it would take me almost a year, my first girlfriend breaking my heart and a sad attempt to date a guy again, she was right. I was a lesbian.

Even while I was still figuring all this out I was determined to be honest with people in my life. Whether or not I was a lesbian through and through I was dating women and involved in lesbian relationships. Considering the large number of gay friends I already had and the incredible love and unwavering support of my Grandmother who, as matriarch, instructed all others in my family to “just deal with it”, I really had it quite easy. Sure, some of the people in my life had difficulty swallowing this news but all in all it was pretty painless.

These ease made me look at closeted people with undo bias. How horrible I thought they were for lying about their sexuality, their partners, their lives. I couldn’t imagine a life so saturated in lies. Bear in mind I was barely in my 20’s and the “know-it-all” malady of my teenage years was just beginning to subside.

When I met my wife she was closeted to both her family and the majority of her friends. I remember very early in our relationship telling my best friend that it wasn’t going to work out with her. I didn’t think I could date someone who lied about who they were. Lying, whatever about, had always been a “deal-breaker” for me and this was what I considered the biggest lie of all.

It was so difficult for me to be sympathetic but in the end I knew this woman was worth more than I had ever given so I stayed. I bore witness to the lies she told and even participated in her ruses. It was taxing on me, on her, and on our relationship. But, we had made a deal. I would be as patient and understanding as possible as long as there was consistent progress towards the ultimate goal –honesty.

I will always believe that people should be honest, especially about who they are and the life they lead. But, watching the woman I love work through the difficulties of being honest with herself and to others did help me understand the need people feel to lie. The fear of rejection is one of the most complicated and difficult to overcome.

I just hope that others who feel this need to deceive and conceal who they are also have the ultimate goal of an honest life… because there is no better life lived than that of your own.

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