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How would you deal with someone you care about wanting to die?  All I know is that experiencing it has broken me in small ways.  It shatters your sense of being to help the people you love and care about.  I have gone through it with my ma but that was very different, my da and bro were there to experience it with me and that sense of shared experience made the burden lighter.  Now I am alone and dealing with the hardship is stark and glaring.  I cannot help to fix the problems, I am no medical doctor, I cannot cure glaucoma, herniated discs or any other of the multitudes of problems my gal suffers through.  It is worse when doctors seem to be against you as well.  There are too many problems and no one seems willing to give the help and meds needed to make day to day living tolerable.  Half the time I fight the urge to beat some of the docs upside the head with a club.   

27 seems far to young to suffer so much.  And in the end I truely cannot argue her desire to die.  I wouldn’t blame anyone for wanting to die when they are in that much pain.  It almost would be easier if she was just a drug seeker, hell, I’ve dealt with druggies before.  But she’s not, her body is just aging at an insanely fast and destructive rate.  In my worst moments I contemplate bringing my gun home as if to say ‘I love you too much to want to see you suffer.’  I am torn between wanting her to stay and wanting her not to hurt anymore.

I know I am not home enough, between work and school I see her for maybe 3 hours a day, so I am not there to hold her when another  doc says that they can’t or won’t help her.  Granted, I’ve made that mad dash after receiving a 911 text on my phone.  That’s always a fun one to explain to teachers and bosses.  I live in constant terror of the thought of coming home and she’s dead in the bathtub. 

Certainly can’t leave her.  And in the end, why would I want to?  In the good moments, and there are quite a few, life is what I have always dreamed.  Happy doesn’t come close to describing just being able to sit in my tiny study and chat with her. 

But I know that the stress is wearing me down and I have no one I am remotely comfortable with to talk to.  I don’t know if I even want to talk about it, it seems easier just to stuff it all down and ignore it.  Which is I suppose why I am writing this post,  you all are in some small way there, if only to read this post and feel slightly sorry for me.  I do not know any of you and in that I am happy.  Not because you are bad people but because I don’t think I could look someone in the face after telling them all of this. 

The person I love is dying right in front of my eyes.  I cannot fix or change that.  All I know is that, in the end, I will be glad to have been a part of her life because she is vibrant, intelligent and sweet and I am a better person for knowing her.  All of this is worth it because she is worth it.  And in the end I would suffer a thousand times more if she were not in my life.

Also, if any of you guys deals with friends or family who are suicidal, I urge you to stay in their lives.  I know hearing about a lot of the things suicidal people talk about is incredibly hard.  I get that you might not want to deal with it or hear it but being there, even a hello and a hug means all the difference.  And even if it does end in suicide, I think it’s worth it because sometimes you may be the only and I mean only person who seems to care.  Small kindness in life is very important.  Reach out and listen, it might save a life.

Thanks,  Moe

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