TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #28

Apr
2009

Hot:

Name: Natasha
Age: 45
Location: Small Town, USA
I am very attracted to a woman but (for a few reasons) it is inappropriate. I am a shy person and I try to hide my feelings but I get very nervous when I am around her. I am unable to even say hello and be friendly.( WTH? How can I stop this self sabatoge?) She no longer tries to communicate with me in any way. So I have offended a truly nice woman and I feel just terrible. What options are there for me to try and be more comfortable with a woman that I am attracted to in a community with an extremely shallow dating pool? It’s too late to apologize, but is there any way to salvage any goodwill? Thanks for your advice and help!

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Natasha,

You took a big leap from not being able to say hello and be friendly to she no longer communicates with you. Were you rude? Go apologize for gosh sakes. That’s an easy one. Regardless of her status – or yours for that matter, if you offended to such a degree she’s not speaking to you, do the right thing. One, it releases you from carrying around the guilt from generally bad behavior and two, it gives her an opportunity to speak to you again. Only you can decide on what comes next and how you rationalize those “reasons” away.

But, Natasha? Twenty-one years old is too young. I think lots of 21 year olds are hot, but I have zilch in common with them. Even if she is gay, she is at that age where she’s trying things on for size.

Being a small town girl myself, and living a one-degree of separation dating life for a while, I know how hard it is to find people to meet and associate with, but I’d shoot for someone closer in age to myself. Have you tried any of those online avenues to meet people – I’m guessing you have. There is also the option to import. And, you could start an online Yahoo! Group for socializing or something. The possibilities are not endless, but there are things you can do that will expand your horizons to people who may be compatible.

Good Luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Natasha -

First of all, it is never too late to apologize. I’ve gotten apologies for things YEARS later, and they still meant something. Now, this doesn’t mean that you say you’re sorry, and suddenly all the issues go away and you live happily ever after. However, telling her that you’re sorry that you made her uncomfortable/overstepped boundaries/miscommunicated with her/whatever happen can definitely help salvage goodwill.

Once you’ve let her know you’re sorry for what happened, and that you’d like to remain friends, try to figure out ways to get together with GROUPS of people, so she knows you’re not trying to prowl for her. Not couples, but groups of friends. Maybe bowling, or dinner, or whatever your groups of people like to do, and just invite her along. It may take a while, but I bet you’ll be able to make it work as friends in time. Even in communities with small dating pools, something we’re attracted to people who just aren’t interested, and the best we can do is make friends of them. Perhaps she’ll wind up being your wing-woman one day!

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Hi Natasha,

The self-sabotage sounds like it stems from desperation to find love. When you’re desperate for love, every meeting with a remotely potential date becomes a high stakes, life-and-death encounter. Also, people who are desperate for love tend to have low self-esteem (you mention the word “shy” which is a nice way of saying “low self esteem). That’s problematic because if you see yourself as unloveable, you will attract people who likewise see you as unloveable. Doesn’t bode well for the romance department.

So what’s the solution? Stop looking for love, and start working on your own issues. For some that means seeing a therapist. For others, it takes the form of meditation or journaling or 12-step groups (like Codependents Anonymous). If you can change how you see yourself, you will end the self-sabotage so that when someone appropriate does come along, you can get out of your own way.

I can appreciate the challenges of being gay in Smalltown, USA. I grew up in some small Georgia towns. But once you’ve dealt with your self-esteem issues, you might expand your horizons to the nearest city. My wife lived 100 miles away when we first started dating. This was a good thing in my case because it kept me from losing myself in the relationship, which is why we’ve been together for 11 years.

You are worth loving, Natasha. You just have to become willing to see it if you want others to see it. I struggled with these and other issues (including addiction, depression, etc.) If I can work through it, you can, too. Don’t look for a relationship to make you happy. It won’t. It can only magnify what you already have (whether it’s unhappiness or happiness). Find your own happiness within. And trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Natasha,

The key, I think, is to try to just be yourself. If you work with her, just be friendly when you bump into her. If you know her from being online, then send a little “Hey, I haven’t talked to you in a bit, hope you’re doing well”.

I’m not sure what it is you feel you need to apologize for.

For not talking to her?

Try to force yourself out of your comfort zone when you are around an attractive woman. Pay her a compliment — but never more than one per times you see her — that gets creepy. LOL

Sorry I couldn’t be of more help!

…my 2 cents…

Truly,
Tina-cious
Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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