TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #29

Apr
2009

TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #29

Name: Nicole
Age: 21
Location: Oklahoma

I have been fretting over this issue for months and didn’t know where to go for advice until I found your website. I feel so much more comfortable presenting my situation to women who will understand this better than anyone else – lesbians. I really hope you guys can give me your perspective on this and help me.

Here’s my problem. I came out to my mom in early January. Besides my brother and my friends, she’s the first family member that I feel comfortable coming out to. My mom and I are very close, she’s my best friend and so I always felt guilty, like I was lying to her about not being up front with my being gay. I’ve known for several years and I just couldn’t ever muster up the courage to tell her. I wasn’t afraid she’d turn her back on me or kick me out, because she isn’t like that. I’m lucky enough to have a mom who will support me and love me no matter what I do – she’s always told me that and she’s always been there for me, even through the most difficult and embarrassing times. I was terrified of the disappointment I knew it would bring her. I tried talking to her about it several times but I just couldn’t get the words out. I stuttered and froze up and either changed the subject or ran out of the room.

A friend finally suggested writing her a letter. So I did. I poured my heart out and told her the brutal, honest truth. I also included a pamphlet that I downloaded from PFLAG – Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People, to answer some of her questions and to let her know that she wasn’t alone in what she was feeling and to get some better understanding of my lifestyle. And it took all the strength I had in me to lay the letter down on her bedside table and walk away, knowing that things would be very different the next day.

I woke up the next morning and the first thing she did was give me a hug and tell me that she loves me and that I will always be her daughter and she will always love me no matter what. She said she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, which I understood, it’s a lot to take in in one night. About 2 weeks later I asked if she was ready to talk about it and she said she wasn’t ready yet. I tried to give her time and not bug her but I started asking about once a week if she was ready to talk about it. I asked her several times if she would rather not talk about it and pretend it never happened and she said no, she just needs time. I feel bad because in the letter I asked her not to tell my dad. I’m not ready to come out to him yet, and she’s respected that. But I know it just makes it even harder on her to not be able to tell her partner in life, one of the people she loves most in the world about this situation and get some support from him.

It’s mid March now and I’m starting to lose hope that she’ll ever want to address this. Should I feel this pressing need to sit down and have a conversation with her? Or should it be one of those things where I just say “Hey mom, I’m gay” and we both accept it, move on with our lives and act like everything is perfectly fine? I feel it’s important to have this conversation with her for both my benefit and hers. Is she ever going to want to talk about it? How much time is enough time? I’m just feeling so frustrated and I don’t know what to do/think about the situation. I’m so happy and proud to be who and what I am and I just want her to be happy for me too.

Thanks,

<3nicole

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

That was a big step and you probably made the difficult a lot easier by providing her with 3^rd party information too.

I would also ask your mom to visit http://www.familyacceptance.org. It has a religious tilt to it, but it does cover some of the emotions that parents might feel when their child comes out. The bottom line of the site is: accept and love your child without shame. Shame is something that most of us walk around with in some degree – for reasons individual to us. Your mom is going through a very tough time – just as tough as you coming out. She may be thinking she needs to put a whole pile of hopes and dreams away. She doesn’t, but it’s going to take a while to realize that. At 21, we want things now. For her, it’s going to take some time. One thing you might broach with her is how she can help you tell your father. Unless there is some specific reason beyond being “Daddy’s little girl” not disappointing Daddy (that’s shame and internalized homophobia) to not tell him, he should probably know so she can be released from the vow of silence and you can start truly living openly and honestly at home. She’ll be a great asset to have in that discussion.

It’s never perfect, easy, or seamless. But, you are exceedingly lucky having the mother you do.

Best of luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Nicole -

Congrats to you for having the courage to come out to your mother. It sounds like it was something you really struggled with, and I’m so proud of you for being able to do that. Good job on including the PFLAG info as well! It’s really hard, because when we come out to someone, we’ve already gone through that struggle, that process, etc, and so we want the other people to accept us, and talk about it, and acknowledge it, etc…but we have to remember that THEY haven’t gone through all that thinking yet, and they need the time, just like we did before we came out.

Now, it sounds like you’ve been trying to give her the time, and she’s just been very unresponsive. Unfortunately, some people’s reaction is to just accept to the best of their ability and move on, even if we need or want more conversation. My mother was kind of like that; I came out, she said “ok. Now, what are we doing for dinner?” and we just never discussed it. She’s met one of my partner’s and it wasn’t an issue, but we’ve just never discussed her feelings on it, her thoughts, etc. And I’ve just had to process that myself, work around it, and move on. Perhaps your mother just needs more time, and will then be ready to converse on it, but perhaps she is, like my mother, the type of person who will continue to love and accept you, but just doesn’t want to talk about.

Maybe write her another letter, and let her know that it’s important to you that the two of you talk about it. She might not realize it, and thinks you might be asking her if she wants to talk because you feel you have to. Communicate to her that you WANT to talk about it, and it’s important. Communication is always good and important. Hopefully, that will get the ball rolling on that conversation.

Good luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Nicole,That’s a tough situation. The bright side is that your mother hasn’t rejected you. But I understand your frustration with her reluctance to discuss it with you.

My best advice is to not press the situation. Give her whatever time she needs and just get on with your life. If you’re not comfortable yet with coming out to your father, then don’t. But do consider it. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Nicole,

Congrats on coming out!

Well, you’ve got step #1 done and it looks like it went well so far! Mom’s not on a rampage… which is more than I can say about my mother.

Maybe you should consider sitting both your parents down and coming out to your father. Your mom has had warning now so she can help to soften the blow to him.

I mean, if you think about it — you’re asking her not to talk about it in the same breath that you are asking her to talk about it. Maybe she feels if she talks about it in detail with you that she is making the secret too big for her to contain?

I think you should bite the bullet and put all of your cards on the table.

At least you know she is supportive of you.

Maybe she needs him now and she feels stifled.

Good luck!

…my 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Nicole,

Coming out is a crazy process. For me it was full of fear and then when I finally did it I had a rush of excitement. That excitement lead me to wanting to talk about it. I was out of that damn closet and now I wanted to become a lesbian spokeswoman and tell the world about who I was, what I had been through, and most importantly that I was still me.

I came out to my parents at the age of 20. My Mom took about two weeks to come around. It was almost like a mourning of sorts for her. Though I know now that she always suspected I was gay. What I didn’t know was that she would have to deal with the reality of it once the words were spoken.

I know how you feel about wanting to talk to your mom about it. Especially if you two are as close as you’ve mentioned. But try to remember that she has a lot to go through now. Stuff that you have had a bit longer to come to terms with, even if it was on your own. From how you described your mom I’m assuming it’s only a matter of time before she comes around. Please keep us posted on the outcome.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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Posted in Advice, Coming Out, Family, Growing up Gay, Parents, TLL Advice Panel Q&A
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One Response to TLL Q&A Advice Panel Installment #29

Hi Nicole and everyone…

i just thought that i might share my experience with coming out – it really wasnt difficult for me in the ways it is for most people!

i knew by the age of about 12 that i was different – when i had a boyfriend but was attracted to his sister? but my family, friends, lifestyle from since i can remember to the age of 17 was very different – we moved around a lot and i never had any “gay” influences or people in my life that could help me out with what i was going through – so i didn’t exactly know what or who i was. i knew of “gay” people but not a lot in our country as it is in most – my family didn’t really educate us on that or things like that.

so when we eventually settled in a city, my mom introduced me to her hair dresser, and he happened to be gay. we go on straight away, it took me a long time to trust him in a sense as i never spoke of the fact that i might be gay. also i wasn’t sure.

so thanks to some experimental spin the bottle games at a party i got to kiss girls and i really liked it, really.

then i started to hang out with Juan a lot more and we become very close friends, also it gave me a chance to see what the lifestyle was like and how others felt and their experiences.

i started getting attention from girls, and i opened up to it.

this went on until i was 19 – then i met my current partner, we were friends at first and i tried to help her and her ex sort out their problems – but to no avail as they were not meant for each other – once they were over we started dating.

my family is very conservative and even though my mom and dad had no problem having gay people over for dinner, as business partners or friends they would still not want that lifestyle in their domain – if you know what i mean.

after 2 months of sneaking around – i decided that i wasn’t going to do it any longer – i was certain that my partner and i had something very special that could last and i decided that i was just going to tell my parents.

i didn’t want to sneak around, and hide the fact that i was happy and be “ashamed” of who i was or who i was with to my family, and the news would come form somewhere at some point anyways.

so i pulled my parents aside and told them that i was gay and that i had someone special in my life. they reacted in the expected way i knew they would:

my mom only told me that they would always love me no matter what and that would always be their daughter.

my dad told me that i did not have enough experience with men and that i would come running back in 2 years time telling them that they were right and it was just a phase.

its been 2.4 years now and i don’t think they are still waiting for that – they accept me and they have always been supportive and accepted my partner well, no ill feeling – they know that i am happy.

i was never close to my mother but i was “daddy’s little girl” and my relationship with both my parents have grown and grown despite the fact that any parent would want and dream of a happy, married, kids and husband life with love and success for their daughter.

but they have never spoken to me about it beyond that night – still in denial i suspect – my partner gets introduced as my friend but there are no limits to what we may or may not do as i do not allow it – everyone knows and i am lucky that my family and the true friends i had before coming out are still by my side. i have never received any ill treatment because of my sexual orientation and thats a bit of luck too i suspect – but the world is changing.

so all i wanted to say is that – even if she doesn’t talk to you about it – they will still love you and in time they will come to realize that you are still the same person and that you are HAPPY- that is what matters most in the end!!! if she was not going to support you then she would not be talking to you right now. i think the best is to get it out in the open and let the chips fall where they may.

Reply – Quote

by maddy on May 22nd, 2009 at 2:25 AM