Name: Mandy
Age: 23
Location: N/A

I’m a 23 y/o Angeleno. I’m definitely a bit of a trannie. I’ve never had a serious romantic relationship, and I’ve never had a sexual encounter with a person whose company I enjoyed. When I do porn, it’s yaoi (m/m manga)–which I initially took as proof that I was heterosexual (straight men like lesbian porn, don’t they?). But, given that the protagonists tend to be rather androgynous–and behave in ways that are only tangentially male (gay or straight), the evidence seems less conclusive than I had originally thought.

I tend to form really intense friendships with other women–to the point where I have to go meditate whenever said individual acquires a penis (on loan). There have been two with distinct romantic overtones, and two that were simply deeply platonic. All of them resulted in poetry. My friends perch anxiously by the closet door. The QSA on campus has added me to its rolls by executive fiat–but I have doubts. I’ve never “done” anything with another woman (except Jazz to whom I gave the tongue, because we were playing truth or dare, and I like an attentive audience). I can’t get into f/f porn… I thought “But I’m a Cheerleader!” was poorly written, and I refuse to accept “The Mix-tape” as a legitimate stage of courtship. Sometimes I think about men, but I can’t do male-female dynamics… and sleeping with them makes me want to scrub my skin off (always one-night stands… which is part of it… but not all of it, I don’t think…) … so. Am I gay?–or just reacting rather strongly to third-wave feminism? Help me out.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Mandy,

I have to say, this required multiple readings.  You hit a number of things that could cause me to write a book, but I’m going to keep it simple.  You’re 23 and haven’t yet found your niche or niches as it may play out. Exploration is terrific at your age – hopefully you won’t still be trying to figure things out when you’re 45.

But, really – you seem to be suffering from a heavy case of ennui.  I’m just sensing you are hiding behind witty turns of phrase.  If it were me, I’d pop into therapy and start exploring the many facets of intimacy and sexuality and how to evolve into a place that provides you with less discomfort.  Your QSA or campus health clinic will probably have a great resource list.

Take good care.
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Mandy -

It seems like it’s possible that you’re reading too much into every area of your life in regards to your sexuality. Lots of people like lots of different kinds of porn – I have lesbian friends that love to watch gay male bears fucking each other in various orifices.  That doesn’t make them any less of lesbians.

Perhaps instead of trying to define so much, it’s a good point in your life for you to sit back, relax,and just experience things. Try kissing people of various genders. Try watching (or keep watching and reading) what turns you on (manga, live people, etc).  Go on dates. Try dressing in other types of clothes.  Go to QSA meetings and meet lots of people.  Explore.  Figure out who you are by what you find you like, not by the type of porn and movies you watch.

Also, while I personally enjoy it, loving ‘But I’m a Cheerleader’ is not a requirement to be queer.  In case you were concerned :)

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Mandy,

It took me a while to figure who and what I am. I tried living as a straight man, a gay man, a straight woman and finally as a lesbian. As Alyssa Jones said in “Chasing Amy”, some of us aren’t given a roadmap at birth.

One thing that helped me out was a psychologist with training in sexual identity and gender identity issues. Sometimes gender or sexual identity conflicts can mask deeper issues. A good psychologist or licensed therapist can help sort these things out.

You might want to spend less time with porn (not because it’s immoral, but because it can confuse the issues your dealing with), avoid alcohol and recreational drugs (for the same reason). Ultimately, the answers you’re seeking are within you. So staying clear-headed puts you ahead of the game. Journaling can be of great benefit with this as well, because it can help you untangle the mess of thoughts and feelings you’re dealing with. You might even look into the book “The Artist’s Way”.

Self-discovery is an adventure. Keep yourself safe, but be willing to take some chances. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office.

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Mandy,

But I’m a Cheerleader is not a porno. So don’t let that viewing experience detour your lesbian porn ventures. I have to assume that you must be frustrated. Feeling like you have some emotions here, a few there, but none of them all in one place. My advice may not be what you want to hear, but I feel it’s the best I can give.

I would say give it time. Perhaps you just haven’t met the right person. Don’t put a sexual orientation on love. Allow it to happen organically whether it be with a man a woman or someone in between. Love is the last magic left on this Earth. Don’t taint it with rules pushed upon it by a politically correct society.

Are you gay? I can’t answer that, only you can. I think the question you should ask yourself is are you in love? Figure out what being in love means to you and when all things love line up between you and the right person don’t be afraid to go for it.

Let your heart determine it’s own path,

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.