2009
TLL Adult Review: AcuVibe “Danger” Mini
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Thank you, Babeland, for the AcuVibe Mini in pink! I love this crazy little thing. Danger is this vibrator’s… middle name. The list of safety instructions is as long as your arm. Some of the best licks are as follows: “To reduce the risk of burns, fire, electric shock or injury to persons do not use on sensitive skin areas or in the presence of poor circulation.” Um, hi? My lady parts are sensitive (though they circulate just fine). “Do not operate under a blanket or pillow, excessive heating can occur and cause fire, electric shock or injury.” …mmmkay. I masturbate under a blanket sometimes to keep the noise down, but I guess that’s a big no-no for this vibrator.
Try this one: “Close supervision is necessary when this product is used by, on, or near children, invalids or disabled persons.” Presumably because these populations could not escape if the vibrator catches fire or hulks out? Additionally, I must assume the pamphlet thinks this is a real massager, rather than a massager, because I would hope you’re not buying vibrators to use on children.
I like this one too: “Do not operate this product with the air openings blocked. Keep air openings free of lint, hair and the like. Never operate on a soft surface such as a bed or couch where the air openings may be blocked. Keep your hair away from the air inlets.” …or what? Will my hair catch fire? And, if I can’t use this in bed or on the sofa, then where?
Certainly not outside: “Do not use outdoors.” Also: “Do not operate where aerosol products are being used or where oxygen is being administered.” Apparently, this is not the vibrator to buy for masturbating at the hair salon or the retirement home. “Do not use while sleeping.” Okay, I’ll try not to.
My all time favorite vibrator warning: “Do not use this product when standing on a damp floor, or when any part of the body is in contact with plumbing or any similar ground.” Am I the only one who thinks someone somewhere must have gotten hurt in a dungeon scene in a damp basement, chained to a pipe?
I’m here to report that I broke all the rules and I’m still alive. Yes, you are correct, I masturbated with this toy in a damp bed, under blankets and pillows with my feet touching plumbing, in the hair salon of a nursing home while little old ladies on oxygen were having their hair done with aerosol hairspray. I am a masturbation bad-ass. I have to admit that it was a bit of a thrill to use a vibrator on a bed (gasp!), but I did live to tell the tale.
In all honesty, I don’t know why half these warnings exist. Everyone knows you’re going to use this on sensitive skin, in bed, perhaps under a blanket – just don’t leave the vibe on for hours and hours under soft stuff… you’d really hate to start a fire. I think the warnings are to cover their asses in case you blow yourself up somehow with their massager.
This is a really good vibrator. It looks like the younger, slimmer, swankier cordless cousin of the Hitachi. It’s strong. Stronger than a lot of my vibrating toys, likely because the head is large and the motor is also large, but the Hitachi is stronger. There are only two settings, off and on, and on is strong but surprisingly not too strong, and not too weak either. I sat with it between my legs with pants on for a while, impressed at the vibration through clothes, until I remembered that my jeans were blocking the air inlets and I might light my pants on fire, at which point I stopped.
The head, unlike the Hitachi, has a little nub that sticks out and is good to hit the clit. However, while you’re going at it, it’s hard to keep track of where it is, so I just kept rotating it trying to figure out what side was the nub. The head is a smoother material than the bumpy Hitachi, and I prefer the smooth. It’s nice. The head is on a very flexible neck which I thought would be annoying, but it’s not. My AcuVube “Danger” Mini is pink. That’s fine. It also comes in blue. That makes me sad. I’m very anti-pink vs. blue dichotomy, but that’s my own weird oppressive color scheme hangup and has nothing to do with this vibrator, so I’m going to shut my mouth. I’ll add, though, that you really wouldn’t expect a fairly tame looking pink massager style vibrator to be so dangerous. It just goes to show you, it’s always the normal looking ones that are wild.
It only lasts a few masturbation sessions before it needs to be recharged. This means that for me, I probably see 2-3 hours of life before the motor begins to weaken. This isn’t really a problem, I figure the average person could get away with plugging it in overnight after every other masturbation session to make sure it doesn’t die mid-play. I have heard that after some time (a number of months – a year) that this toy holds far less charge and eventually the battery becomes lame like the batteries in iPods get when you can’t listen to music except when it’s plugged in. Except that the manual says not to use the AcuVibe when it’s plugged in, so I guess I won’t do that. This toy also gets hot. The handle gets hot. I’m not sure if it’s just mine, but it’s rather significant. I read in the manual, however, that it will shut itself off if it gets too hot. I would hope that it would shut itself off before it caused my clit to catch fire, but I suppose this is something we’ll find out in the fullness of time. I’ll keep you posted. Right now, I’ve got to go outside, take a nap, and use the DangerVibe Mini, as I like to call it, and see what happens.
I totally LOLed from this. The fact is, someone probably DID do something of the sort to warrant the warnings