2009
Roller Coaster Rides
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Relationships. Short films with bad endings. Beautiful in the beginning and usually unbearably painful and/or gross by the end.
Girl meets girl. Love blossoms. Brings with it a deluge of hopes and dreams and such. Most of which come crashing down around you anyway.
The fortunate amongst us get to live out their dreams. For the rest of us it’s just a series of roller coaster rides.
I, predictably, am one of the less fortunate. And like that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve managed to get stuck in between two loves. And when I say that I don’t mean that I’m sailing in two boats. No. It’s more like I’m drowning while two boats stand by and I’m wondering if either will come to my rescue. Boat One is the one I originally fell off of and Boat Two is a friendly boat that keeps sending strangely mixed signals my way. So now I’m drowning AND confused. Great. Just my luck!
No. That sounds too vague. Let’s see the facts for what they are, yeah?
On the one hand there’s my girlfriend, or at least that’s what I think she is. We’ve been together for about two years. We don’t talk. [No. That'd be absurd.] So, well, yeah we do. But only about the world and ideologies and grave feminist issues and such. We meet, we argue and we retire to separate rooms for the night. We’re great friends. The problem, I believe, lies in the fact that we are only that and nothing more. Why two perfectly intelligent and articulate women won’t acknowledge and/or express the fact that it’s over is beyond me. But then again, I’m one of the women involved in said weirdness so what do I know.
Now, on the other hand, is this girl whom I’ve kinda known for a while but never really spoke to. Recently, however, that changed. We talked. For hours on end, night after night. And that isn’t when I got the weird signals. Well not all of them. Being the bright thing that I am I went out with her [as in, left building A and went to building B; not as in a date or anything] one evening and got drunk. And I don’t mean slightly buzzed. I mean HAMMERED. So now I don’t remember most part of said evening because I was outta-my-wits sozzled. The parts I do remember, and very vividly at that, are the ones that confuse me. I remember the long drive into the night. I remember everything that could’ve happened, everything that almost did. But what I remember most is the look in her eyes. So intense that it burned right through me. And yet we sat in that car for most part of the night, doing nothing, saying nothing. No words. Just silence. And the night. And sometimes music. No lines were crossed. But some got blurred. Shadowy lines and personal histories stood between us like a smokescreen as we sat there. Fighting our personal demons. And losing. Both of us.
And now here I stand. Between a love that isn’t and a love that may never be. Between a distant memory and a hopeless dream.
I think the first thing you should do is end relationship #1. Before it turns ugly and you aren’t even friends anymore.
Even if girl #2 doesn’t turn out to be anything — girl #3, 4, 5, 6, 7 or 8 might.
Good luck!
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