TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #32

Jun
2009

Hot:

Name: Ventura
Age: 30
Location: LA, California

How do I trust my gf of 6yrs? I met my gf almost 6yrs ago. It was only about 4mos after we met when she went out of town and left me house sitting her place. I wanted to surprise her by giving her place the once over. Some how my cleaning up came across her cellphone bill. I stated to glance over it and noticed one particular phone number was being called A LOT. She kept about 1yrs worth of past bills and I looked through those as well, only to find she had been calling that number like crazy. I was SHOCKED. I called the number myself and some woman/girl answered. I didn’t know what to think. I thought the worst. She was seeing someone, some x behind my back. She wasn’t scheduled to return for about another week, but we had daily phone calls. I confronted her over the phone and asked her who and why was she calling this woman sooo much. She said it was some woman she had messed around with, who turned psycho and would call my gf and tell her she was “outside her house”, “outside her job” and that she felt scarred so she would call her to see where this woman was really at. She told me she was going to tell me eventually when the time was “right” ( I didn’t buy it). She eventually came home and we agreed to put it behind us….6 yes on I can’t get over it. Whenever I see she is spending too much time with almost anyone I have a trust/jealousy freak out. She tells me she loves me but I just don’t really know. Just recently I’ve noticed that her and a fairly new friend of hers have been emailing/texting/calling each other a good amount of the time. Can you give me some advice? HELLLLLP

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

I admit, it sounds bad. She “messed around” recently. I’m guessing that wasn’t in your agreement with each other. Major breach of trust by her, but then you turn around and violate hers by snooping through her house. You’re not moving on from it so let’s address the greater issue. Should you move on? She’s doing things outside of the parameters of your relationship which means something is not working for her. Something’s not working for you or you wouldn’t have picked up that cell phone bill and looked. Her latest behavior suggests she is not going to change what she’s doing.

I’d say she wants her cake and a nice generous portion too. Go with your instincts. I’d suggest counseling to find out what the heck is going on for both of you, but it doesn’t sound like this relationship is tenable unless you get some help and figure it all out.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Ventura -

Relationships require trust. Clearly, you don’t trust your partner. It also sounds like you might have some jealously issues to work through. Step one – both of you see a relationship therapist. If that doesn’t work, or if you’re not willing to put forth that effort, then you need to end this relationship. It’s honestly just not healthy for either of you.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Ventura,

In long-term relationships, it’s not unsual for each person to develop separate friendships in addition to the friends they have in common. Perhaps one partner takes up scrapbooking and develops friendships with other scrapbookers. At the same time, the other partner may be an activist with close friends in the organizations she’s a part of. There’s nothing wrong with that, so long as the partners spend quality time together, as well, and hopefully with some friends they share in common.

So how do you know if one of your partner’s friendships has crossed the line into an affair? That’s a tough question. Aside from catching her in the act, a confession or hiring a private investigator, there’s no way to know for sure. So what do you do?

There are no magic bullets for this situation. You simply must decide based on incomplete information. You can express concern about her spending so much time with friends. You can snoop around her emails/texts, etc. Or if you’re convinced she’s cheating, you can choose to end the relationship.

Keep in mind that affairs usually occur when there is a lack of communication, a lack of trust/respect and/or a lack of intimacy (either emotional or physical). Affairs are the result of a breakdown in the relationship, not just because someone hot shows up on the scene. If you choose to continue the relationship, you might want to consider how you can improve the level of communication and emotional honesty of the relationship.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Green Eyed Monster,

Ah — believe me when I say I can relate. The problem is that early on she did something that broke your trust (whether or not what was happening was true).

I have done some pretty rotten things in the name of jealousy. One day I realized I was killing myself with this stuff — and I started checking myself when going over the edge.

I’m still an EXTREMELY jealous person (I’ve got me some abandonment issues…) so whenever anyone gets “too close” to my partner, I don’t know how to take it.

It’s not going to be easy but you have to learn to swallow that jealousy and get passed it.

Has she done anything — really — to earn your distrust? Do you still make love? Is she around all the time? Do you fight a lot for no good reason? Is she going out w/o you a lot?

What I’m trying to learn is that I don’t have to trust the women out there that may or may not have an eye on my partner — but I do have to trust my partner and that given the opportunity to cheat on me, he won’t.

Otherwise, what have we?

Every time you feel that green eyed monster creep up — go for a walk or get on facebook or exercise or go for a drive or call a friend — anything to distract you from sinking into dark thoughts.

They are nothing but destructive. Because if she’s not leaving you to cheat, she’ll leave you because you don’t trust her/are a jealous beast.

…that’s my 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Gone Fishing

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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