Name: Katie
Age: 27
Location: Ireland

I’m gay and I’ve messed everything up with my life. I’m in a M/F relationship for 6 years, I have three wonderful children with him and I love him, I’m just not sexually attracted to him, its a woman I want, I’ve known for only about 4 years I’m gay and denied it to myself until recently. A few times in the past I’ve convinced him to have a threesome with other girls (my friends) to satisify myself (my female friends are bi, the only girls I know who are however at the moment all are in a m/f relationship, and were more up for it for the craic where as I was into it for the satisfaction I knew only a woman could provide me with), he has no idea I’m gay, bi yes he knows.

I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to break up my family, my kids love their daddy and as a family we are happy. I live in the country, there is no gay community within 60 miles of me, nobody gay in my area anyway. Having young children make it difficult to get out anyway so if I left I would have such a difficult time meeting a woman, never mind someone who would live quite a distance from me and deal with a partner with a family. My eldest son is from a different relationship and when that broke down it was devastating for my son, he was quite young at the time but even the logistics of it were horrific ie arranging visitation, maintenance etc, with kids you never really end a relationship as your ex is gonna be part of your life forever. I’m so confused, I’m torn between looking out for myself of for my family, my kids always come first, and always will, I just dont know where my head is at…

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Out of the Office
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Katie -

This might sound crazy, or avant garde, but have you considered “opening up” your relationship? It sounds like your husband is already open to some of that idea, since he’s been ok with having threesomes. Maybe explain to him that you’d like to occasionally try doing more with women, possibly without him. If you feel comfortable/safe coming out to him, I personally am all about being as open as possible. However, if you feel he would react badly, and it might hurt your kids (which I do understand are so important to you), you can always make baby steps. Have more threesomes with women you’re attracted to. Maybe bring home someone you like, and see if he’d be ok just watching. Possibly ask if you can have sex with other people, as long as you’re still in a relationship with him.

There *are* ways, with good communication, that you can have your family AND be satisfied. It’s hard, yes. But with the internet, you never know who you might find near you…plus there is always traveling to big cities for a night on the town. If you think this might work, a great book to read is “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino. It covers a whole range of different types of open relationships, how to make them work, how to start them, etc.

If you don’t think he’d be up for that, then you’re in for some hard decisions. Do you tell him, or not? Do you wait until the kids are older, and more understanding? Do you make the choice to have a female partner on the side, without him knowing? Or have a partner, and explain to him the situation?

There is no easy answer. I wish i had one. But that’s how life is – it’s never easy. I wish you the best of luck trying to figure out the best road for you, and that you have support of people who care about you.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Katie,

This is a dilemma that a lot of us face. Perhaps we think that a straight marriage (with or without kids) is what’s expected of us; i.e. it’s our family duty. Or maybe we believe that it will make us happy, only to realize that it doesn’t. In either case, many lesbians find themselves in such a situation (I have, but sans kids). The question is, what do we do?

It appears that you have three choices.
You can choose to remain in the somewhat open (aka the threesomes) relationship with your husband.
You can leave your husband in order to live your life as a lesbian (whether in a relationship or not).
You can remain in your marriage until your kids have grown (10-15 years), and then move on with living as a lesbian.
Personally, I think most kids are resiliant and survive their parents’ divorce, even if there is some initial pain. But some divorces are uglier than others (particularly with custody issues) and can cause more harm. It’s hard to know ahead of time.

At the same time, even if you decide to remain in your marriage for now, you may reach a point where “enough is enough” and leave anyway. In other words, you may simply be delaying the inevitable. Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of your kids may mean that your kids grow up with a miserable mother. That can have an adverse effect on them as well.

Despite what the Pope might think, these situations are less a matter of right and wrong and more a matter of choices and consequences, with a lot of the consequences being unknowable until you’re in the thick of it. Such is life, I’m afraid. You simply have to decide what consequences you can most easily live with.

Don’t blame yourself for getting into this situation. But do take responsibility for the choices you have made and have to make now. And remember that in most cases, you can change your mind.

I hope that helps. You have a right to be happy, regardless of circumstances. Exercise that right. Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Dear Katie,

You are in a tough position. One thing that people don’t seem to realize is that children are resilient. If you were to get divorced and both of you continued to show your love and support to the children, they would end up being just fine.

I would hate to find out later that my mother suffered in my name.

I think you should tell your husband your feelings. Maybe you could just separate for a while to explore those feelings and see if that’s truly what you want and if you find that that is true, then you can move on (not unheard of).

But at least there’s a safety net there for you.

I never think that the answer is to lie to yourself and compromise your own happiness. That’s not to say that you should be selfish — just that if you make a decision that is going to change everyone’s life, just be delicate and careful in how you execute that decision.

You only live this life one time.

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the Office
Brain Clouds

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