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Emotions are too much of a hassle. I hate that my feelings can get hurt so easily. That something so small as feeling as if my girlfriend is upset will change my mood. If I “think” she has an attitude or is upset and we don’t speak for hours, or I speak to her but she “has nothing to say” my feelings get hurt.

My feelings don’t get hurt easily with everything. Only with her. Seems that’s with other people I can control every part of me better. Including my mental state, and my emotions. When I’m around her my body sometimes runs haywire. I guess as my girlfriend I have different expectations with her than with everyone else that’s why. I’ve been reading this book lately, and it talks about the mind and how it works. Well it says that the mind lives off of the past and future. Not in the “now” and it continuously goes back to past and future things. Which is true. Although mine isn’t as bad or I’ve learned to kind of watch it but not respond to the content of it, sometimes I do because I may agree. Not everything can be left alone, not when it happens over and over. Or has happened before but its happening now. And probably will happen again.

Anyway I titled this “self created love” because sometimes I get sad at how my girlfriend responds to me n certain situations. I used to get a lot more upset than I allow myself to get now. I’ve learned tears fall n vain and ill pretty much be left to deal with whatever sadness I’m going through on my own. Because more than likely if I’m crying, she is upset or irritated by whatever it is that has me crying. Now this is the hard part. She expresses her “emotions” through anger and I express my through tears. So when she is angry she will not break, or even feel bad(which I don’t know for sure but can only assume based on her actions). To her I’m crying because I “want” to cry. Its a choice. She told me that before. I’ve told her repeatedly and I’ve done it before, angry or not when I c my girlfriend crying It hurts me, I don’t want her crying under any circumstances whether I think its a stupid reason or not. That’s not for me to decide all that matter is she is hurt, tears me pain, and I try and I would try and comfort her. Whether it be a hug, or a kiss, whatever. I’ve told her this, it’s a level of affection and comfort that a woman needs, and to be honest i feel my loneliest when she tells me she doesn’t care that I’m upset because she is angry and “that’s how I show my emotions” and you show yours that way. This is where I’m having the issue. Self created life. Its like I have in my head how things SHOULD go, but they never go that way. Because that’s not the kind of person she is. She is who she is. And I try and accept that because I love and don’t want to lose her. Its just unfortunate that it conflicts with me and my personality. I’m a big sweet softee, I love affection, hugs and kisses, compliments etc whatever. She can go all night without saying a word to me, get n bed and knock out. Angry upset irritated or whatever. But she will say I just don’t have n e thing to say.
Or she will say if you didn’t think I was angry it wouldn’t be a problem.

Last week we had an altercation where I felt as if she came at me the wrong way. in the end, when I told her that I felt she came the wrong way and everything else I said she just said ok. Just ok. I have constantly remind myself that’s how she is, that’s her personality, nonchalant. Ok doesn’t solve anything. Like I said I need comfort and affection to show that someone cares. I told her that and she said what do you want, fine if you want a kiss ill kiss you, fine if you want a hug ill hug you, all the while still sitting there. So I said you still didn’t kiss me, she gets up gives me a peck and sits right back down. Now to her she may think ok what’s wrong with that, to me it seemed fake as hell like she didn’t want too. Its not the same when someone doesn’t want too, its not sincere. But at the same time, she wouldn’t even think to do it if you hadn’t just told her you wanted her too. The unfortunate part is no matte what I say to her I can’t make her want too. I can’t.

I’m writing this blog to get it out. And to vent. But I already blame myself for allowing myself to get upset over how she does or does not react to me. And I’m not saying she is a bad person. She is NOT a bad person AT all. She is the best woman I’ve ever been with. I don’t know if its her history, how she was treated in the past, how her ex’s acted or didn’t act whatever the case, she is who she is. I just don’t know how to handle to lonely feeling, and its bringing me to tears writing this. But I need to figure it out soon

“You can have a broken heart and be in love! Because Love will hurt. Love isn’t a fairy tale. Its about how you maintain it and keep it afloat. But its the love I have for you that keeps me here!” -Lo