Name: Genni-Leigh
Age: 20
Location: Plainville, CT

Recently I’ve come to identify my gender as mostly male with some feminine qualities. Though I carry the female equipment. I’m considering top-surgery (when I can afford it) and binding until then. My real question is how do I explain this to my friends? They are like family and some of them have known me for years I don’t want to lose anyone because of this…but I don’t want to forget myself. So yeah…how do I get this through to them?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Maybe I’m misreading, but this sounds like maybe you haven’t fully explored the full ramifications of this.  But, I’m not you and don’t know what process you’ve followed.   I think we have several people on the panel who can probably answer this better than me, but I would not make any drastic decisions without consulting medical professionals, including the appropriate one who will be able to discuss the psychological aspects of transitioning. Sometimes, there is more than one option – I for one, identify heavily with the male side of myself, but have learned to be comfortable and enjoy the body I was born to.  For others, there is only one option.  I have watched the process of Jess for some time and been amazed at the deep and thoughtful process he and his lovely wife Tina have been going through as individuals and a couple.   Depending on where you live, you may meet with even some serious issues, such as loss of job or housing loss.  You may well lose family and friends and that, along with irrevocable radical body changes, should be made with great care.
Good Luck.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Genni-Leigh-

It is always difficult to come out to people whether orientation, gender, or even as kinky.  First of all, congrats on coming to terms with your own identity. Figuring gender out is incredibly hard, and you are to be commended for taking the time and effort to do so.  As far as your friends, sometimes having a more general conversation about transitioning, surgery, etc, is a good way to feel them out.  They may already have an inkling that you’re not the gender of your assigned sex, and that can be a good way to bridge the gap of thought into conversation.  Also, maybe have them check out some good, accessible information. Kate Bornstein’s Gender Workbook comes to mind.  Prep them first, and then, when you feel as comfortable as you’re going to get, let them know your plans, or as much of them as you’d like to share. Don’t forget, you don’t have to tell them everything, or even most things all at once. You can come out in layers; I’ve been figuring out my gender. I’m realizing I’m male with female qualities. I have plans for possible surgery.  Three steps may be easier than one.

Regardless, good luck. If they truly care about you, while it may take sometime, they will eventually be ok with it and with you. If they’re not, it is hard, and it hurts, but at least you know where you stand.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Hi Genni-Leigh,

Coming out as transgender is scary, and not without reason. There is a lot of ignorance and transphobia, even in the lesbian, gay and bisexual communities. At the same time, more and more people in the LG&B communities are becoming better educated about trans issues and embracing us (yeah, I’m a trans woman).

I’ve learned that when you do come out, some “friends” may reject you while others support you for being true to yourself. And it’s hard to say beforehand who will do what. Some people, especially those closest to you, may need some time to adjust to the idea of you as a guy.  But even as some friends fall out of your life, there are a lot of trans men and women just waiting to make your acquaintance and help you navigate the treacherous gender frontier. I am one of them. You are most welcome to email me at dharmashanti@gmail.com. There are a lot of trans support groups, including those exclusively for trans guys. You are not alone. And congratulations on beginning this new chapter in your life!

Trust the process.

Peace out,

Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

My partner is currently transitioning from female to male.  Once we talked about it and I kind of gave him the “go ahead” (he felt he needed it from me) he kind of went “balls out” in telling anyone who would listen.

It’s like once he decided that that’s what he was doing, he couldn’t WAIT to do it.  I’m not sure if you feel that need like he did, but honestly, I am not speaking from my own personal experience, but I think it’s true for any friends (especially ones who are as close as family as you describe) — if they are truly your friends they will love you anyway.

All of our friends pretty much said, “whatever, dude, do what makes you happy.  We love you anyway”.   That’s pretty much what I expect any true friends to say to you.  If they don’t, yes, it will hurt to lose them, but you are truly better off.

One thing I can say for certain though, people will surprise you.

… my 2 cents…

Tina-cious
p.s. I see you are in Plainville.  I don’t know how far that is from Norwalk, CT but my husband runs a transmasculine group for the local LGBT center there.  You may want to take a look:  www.ctgay.org

Kelly Leszczynski

Hi Genni-Leigh,

I have to be honest and say that I have no personal experience. My best advise would be to find those that have completed surgery or are in transition. There’s nothing better than talking to someone who has been in your shoes.

However, you seem to know what you need and are worried about your friends. Be honest with them. The cliche’ is true. Your real friends will remain, and those that won’t take the time to understand.

Please just be honest to yourself and those you love.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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