Name: Pamela
Age: 43
Location: AZ

My partner and I have been together for 25 years. On March 8 of this year I found an email my partner had written to another woman. I read the first sentence of this email and literally threw up on the floor. My partner was cheating on me. At this point my partner swore to me that she hadn’t yet touched the other woman. The affair was emails, text messages, and phone calls.

For the next five weeks she told me that it was over and nothing was going to happen with this woman. This other woman works for my partner and they are together everyday! They went out of town together for work and while out of town my partner admitted to me over the phone that she had slept with the other woman on four different occasions. Two of which were in the other woman’s home which she shares with her own partner, and twice while out of town. My partner told me that she could fall in love with this person and she had no feelings left for me.

Today it has been four months since the cheating started but is now over. During this time my partner tells me that it was all a huge mistake and she is so sorry it ever happened. My partner was just diagnosed with breast cancer and thinks I should be here to support her and help take care of her during treatment. I just can’t get over the cheating, and will never forgive her. I just don’t know how to break away because we were together for so long. Can I ever trust and love her again, or should I just say, “Goodbye”?

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Pamela, Pamela, Pamela – first please understand that I’m very sad that your girlfriend has cancer.  Really.  But, what I’m going to say is going to sound cold, I’m afraid.  Here are some things I’ve learned in my years on this planet – in straight marriage, gay domestic partnership, long-term relationships, whatever.  Cheating is a symptom, not the disease in a relationship.  You’re at that point that things may have become mundane, routine, sexless, or just plain boring.  I don’t know, I’m not there.  When she said she had no feeling for you it could be because in order to make ourselves all right with cheating, we might have to shift to convincing ourselves we don’t care in order to rationalize what we’re doing.  And, sometimes when we’re riding the big O of excitement and newness, everything else may well pale into nothingness.  But, who does she come to when the chips are down?  Reliable, steady you.

You have reasons not to trust – she’s cheated.  For all you know, her lover may not have been willing to act as nurse and caregiver during her illness sending her scampering back to you.  It’s not very sexy when the object of your illicit affair gets sick.  Again, I don’t know, I’m not there.

Counseling. Something a wise therapist I once visited said was couples counseling is good – but both of you have to have the same goal in mind.  So, think about this really hard.  You both have to walk in with the intent to part or with the intent to stay together.  If one partner doesn’t have both feet in the room, it’s not going to work.  If you decide to part then a therapist can help you both negotiate what that will look like. Your mission – decide, knowing that she wants to make it work, whether you do.  Either way, it doesn’t mean you can’t have compassion and can’t help her through her illness, but it also doesn’t mean you can’t rewrite the rules of what that means.  I suggest counseling especially because if you do part while she is going through treatment you may well meet with some pretty harsh judgments from people – both those who know and don’t know what’s transpired.  If your partner is part of this solution, that will be diminished, regardless of the outcome.

Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Pamela -

Love and trust are two different things.  While I think you’d have an incredibly hard time trusting her again (if that’s even possible), you can STILL love her.

In most circumstances, I’d tell you to take a break from her, to gain some distance and some perspective. However, the cancer part of the situation can change things.  You obviously do care about her, as you have not completely abandoned her. You need to sit down for a moment by yourself and figure out how much care and support you can give her, while still being healthy with yourself. As hard as it will be to do so, you need to set boundaries.  Maybe you can drive her once a week, or maybe you can’t deal with seeing her, but can be an email and phone companion. Perhaps you can help with the cleaning, but not with anything directly related to her.  Again, it will be hard, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Good luck with this. You’re in a tough situation, and you seem to be taking the gallant knight in shining armor side. Just make sure you don’t hurt yourself while doing so.

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Pamela

I think it’s important to separate the issues of infidelity from the issue of the cancer. Let’s deal with the issue of the infidelity first.

Most affairs don’t happen spontaneously. They are generally the result of a breakdown in the relationship, which may or may not have anything to do with sex. The cheating partner typically has needs/wants that aren’t being met within the relationship. These needs/wants may or may not be reasonable. They may or may not have even been expressed. The cheating partner may be struggling with self-esteem issues or other stress that she deals with by engaging in clandestine sex. It’s basically using sex as a drug to avoid dealing with negative emotions like fear or worthlessness.

After 25 years together, it might be worth trying to salvage the relationship. But to do that, you and your partner have to find a way to speak honestly about what happened and why she made the choice to cheat. Because it is ALWAYS a choice. It sounds like there’s been some attempts by her to cover up, which only makes things worse because it further erodes trust. You have to decide whether you think she’s being honest with you. It’s not enough for her to say, “Sorry, it will never happen again” unless the reasons it happened in the first place are dealth with honestly.

If you decide to stick it out, that solves the second issue of supporting her through dealing with the breast cancer. However, if you decide that you no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with her, then you have to make the choice of being a friend and a part of her support network as she undergoes treatment. Notice I said “a part of”. As a caregiver myself, I can tell you that it’s not your job to be her superhero. She is going to need support from a network of people. There are a lot of support groups for people struggling with cancer. There are also women and lesbian support groups. You can choose to be a part of that support network or not. It’s a choice only you can make.

I hope that helps. There are no black and white answers. Just choices and consequences. Only you can make those choices because you are the one to live with the consequences. Listen to that gentle voice inside of you that best knows how to take care of Pamela. Then trust the process wherever it leads.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Oh WOW that’s a tough one.  See, for me, I couldn’t help but think that had she not been unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with breast cancer, she would still be out doing whatever it is she was doing.

That now that she has some serious health issues she’s going back to longing for the security and companionship of her trusted relationship.

Except for me that ship would have sailed.  She made her bed, now she can lie in it.  She can seek care and understanding from her lover.  She should’ve thought about the consequences of her actions before she did them.

Now, I know people make mistakes and whatever, but this isn’t just one one-night stand we’re talking about — this is an affair.  Full blown.

And it sounds to me like you didn’t even see it coming which leads me to believe that she made no attempts to fix whatever problems she had with your relationship before she stepped out.

For me, I’d say let her go. I don’t see how expecting you to now be there for her after all she’s done just because she’s ill isn’t just an extension of her selfishness.

Good luck and I hope she does well with treatment.

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Pamela,

I’ll never understand why people cheat. Nor will I ever understand why those close to us have to get cancer. I’m just gonna throw some more thoughts out there.

25 years is a long time shared between two people. I just found out my Grandmother cheated on my Grandfather. They were marred 50+ years and are now both deceased. But I remember when my Grandfather got colon cancer and I remember how my Grandmother was there for him.

I watched my Mom take care of my Dad the last 6 months of his life. There were able to speak to one another without saying any words.

I am familiar with the gut wrenching feeling one can get when they find out the love of their life is cheating on them. Are you a better person for leaving or for sticking it out. Sadly I feel the best question is the most morbid. If your partner doesn’t make it will you regret not being there during her fight. It’s not a question we ever want to read or speak, but if you don’t think about it now it will be too late when you finally do.

I fear this is one of those life events where your mind tells you one thing, but your heart another. I hope you’ll follow up with us and let us know how you’ve handled things. I will say a prayer for you both.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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