Name: Jenny
Age: 35
Location: NY

My girlfriend is overweight. When we first met, I was not sure if I was attracted to her because of it, but found that it didn’t matter. I feel like I am really in love with her and there is a difference between my private feelings and my public worries. In private I feel very attracted to her and love how her body feels. There is no problem with feeling attracted to her when we are intimate and we have a great connection that way. But I feel embarrassed when we are in public. It is hard to admit that, I think it is so shallow and I would hate it if she knew I was struggling with this.

I don’t want to feel this way. I own it – I know it is my problem and not hers…its not her job to lose weight so that I can feel better about it. But I feel it is keeping me from fully being there. And I hope to god she never asks me if I think she needs to lose weight, I really would not know how to answer that. She makes comments about her weight and I don’t know what to say cause secretly I do wish she was thinner, but I don’t think it would be right for me to say that. I think she mostly accepts her size, and works out, tries to take care of herself but overindulges in food. If she was just sitting in front of the TV all day eating junk food, I don’t think I would be with her.

Wrapped up in all of this are my coming out issues. I have two issues, one is that I am attracted to a woman, the other is that I am attracted to a fat woman. Its like its bad enough I’m gay, and that I should at least make it more comfortable for other people by being with someone who is femme-y and skinny. I am aware that I am ultimately worried not about what they will think of her but what they will think of me for being attracted to “someone like that.” I worry they won’t see what I see – but who cares? It is hard to let go of wanting to control other people’s reactions. I start to see her through what I FEAR other friends and family would see and it feels disloyal. I worry they will think, ‘why is she with her, she could get someone better looking than that!’ I wish I didn’t care what they think or will think.

I feel that this is my private issue to sort out and that I should not let her know, I think it would really hurt her. But then sometimes I feel distant from her when I feel self conscious about it, us together in public and she picks up on the distance and I just make up excuses. God even just writing it feels like shit, so shallow. I do not want this issue to ruin our relationship – I deeply care about her and want this relationship to work out. She is a really wonderful person. Is this something I can get over? How? How can I deal with this when she meets important people in my life so that I am on her side and not so worried about what they will think?

Thanks

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

You’re well into your adulthood.  You’re not a kid.  You are big enough to own it and know it’s your issue, not hers.  Shame is a pretty unpleasant feeling.  You know that she’s wise enough to pick up on your distance when it occurs and it’s going to become more and more apparent as time goes on unless you can get a grip.  If you love her, love her.  For all she is or isn’t.

Stand in front of the mirror and say, “This is X and I am in love with her.”  Keep saying it until you hear it and own that.  And, if you find that’s not helping and you can’t hear yourself saying what you need say to others, then maybe you should consult with a therapist who can help walk you through some things regarding both your coming out and this issue with the girlfriend.  Because, really, I think this really is a 2-part issue.  I found a book that was very helpful to me called, “Letting Go of the Shame,” it helped me in all kinds of ways, maybe it will help you too.

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Jenny-

Your question was really hard for me to read, as I am a fat-positive femme…and I happen to be fat, or at least what society considers to be plus size. I am positive about it, but I’ve worked really hard to get here, and I have fears of having partners who think/feel (whether privately or outloud) the way you do. I give you this background so you can take my answer with a grain of salt.

It is incredibly hard to not care what people think, and honestly, impossible. I always have people commending me for my ability to “not care what people think” of my size/my queerness/my alternative looks/my disability. And while the commendations are nice, I still care what people think.  I just choose not to internalize it as much anymore. So basically, you will never stop caring. However, there are ways to care less, and ways to react differently.

You love your partner.  Regardless of size, I assume, as parts of your question seemed to hint that you might want her to lose weight.  Why do you love it? What makes her so wonderful?  Think about this.  Now when you’re out in public, worrying about people viewing her and her size, remember these things. Will they ever get to hear her rant about XYZ? No. Ever get to see her perform/sing/etc? No. Watch her as she reads a book and bites her lower lip and the cutest fashion possible? No. They’re missing out. You’re lucky, because you see beyond her size, You get to see the real her, the cute things, the inspiring things, the things everyone else misses because they’re so caught up in looks.

What are you worried about with other people? Them judging her, them judging you? Are these people you’re going to interact with on any regular basis? If not, then what does it matter?  And if they are these important people in your life, do you really want to have them be important people if they’re going to judge you and/or your partner based on size?  Think on it.  Would you be upset if they judged you based on your orientation? Probably. So why is it ok that they’re judging based on looks?

It’s hard. Fat-phobia is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice left.  People may still make racist and sexist jokes, but they tend to get called out for it.  However, it’s fine to make fun of fat people. I’m glad you’re conscious of your views. They do not make you a bad person – we can’t beat ourselves up over things we feel. However, we can work on changing them.  Your partner needs your support, and you’re going to have a hard time giving it if this is your view.  I’m not saying you have to suddenly be fat positive, but even getting to fat-neutral is a big step.

I highly recommend purchasing/borrowing/etc and reading Fat So What! It’s a great book about where fat hatred comes from, and breaks down why it’s ridiculous, and gives hints on how to love your and other bodies more, regardless of size.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Jenny

This isn’t about your girlfriend. The word that you typed in all caps is what this all comes down to. FEAR. Fear is a big thing for a lot of us. So you’re not alone.  Aren’t you glad?

One of the things I’ve learned in my 13 years in Alcoholics Anonymous is that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appear Real. We obsess about what people think about us. We assume people are judging us, even if they are not. We wait for the “other shoe to drop”, convinced that somehow we are unworthy or will at least be judged so by people that “matter”.  That was me for SO LONG!

So how do we get out of fear? How do we stop the stinkin’ thinkin’ going round and round in our brains? It starts with willingness (not to be confused with will power). Whenever I get that nervous, panicky feeling, I tell myself, “I’m willing to see this differently.” You might even say, “I’m willing to see me differently” or “I’m willing to see that person differently.” Another helpful phrase is “I’m willing to let go of everything that isn’t love.” The emphasis is on the willingness. We’re not forcing anything. We may not even know how to see things differently or how to let go of everything that isn’t love. But we are willing. And as we become willing, our hearts/minds/spirits do their internal magic and suddenly things start loosening up, like water loosening up dried food encrusted on the inside of a pot. Just pick one or two of these little phrases and use them any time you feel embarrassed or guilty or ashamed or judged or shallow. Just say it over and over.

Another saying we have in AA is that what people think about me is none of my business. Sounds insane, I know, but it’s true. Dr. Wayne Dyer tells us that we have to learn to become independent of the good opinion of others. And of course, that’s easier said than done. We naturally want people to like us. We’re social creatures. But becoming attached to other peoples opinions, or worse projecting our own guilt and shame onto others, drives us crazy (literally) and makes us miserable. It’s a way to give away our power and then blame others (like your girlfriend) when we’re not happy.

When it comes to your happiness, the only person whose opinion matters is yours. You get to decide. If you’re a good person and someone doesn’t like you, then to hell with them. That’s their problem and we can hope they get over it. But in the meantime, there’s no use making yourself miserable over something you can’t control.

And if your girlfriend ever asks you if she should lose weight, realize that “should” is a meaningless word. If she is grossly overweight, say, “Yes, honey, you are overweight. But it doesn’t have anything to do with how much I love you. Nor does it have anything to do with your worth as a beautiful human being. If you choose to lose weight, I will support you in that decision. And if you choose not to, I will support you in that decision, too.” I have said these very words to my wife of 11 years and we’re still happily married.

Remember that you have a right to be happy, regardless of circumstance and regardless of what anyone else thinks. Exercise that right! And trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

As a bigger girl myself, I have to say, at first reading this, I was insulted FOR your girl and even considered telling you you didn’t deserve the love of a good woman when you were going to mentally throw her to the wolves because of her weight.

But you know, the more I thought about it, we really can’t control how we feel or what we think.  We can only control what actions we take on those thoughts and feelings.

I think NOT saying anything to her is the absolutely best thing you’ve done thus far.

If what you say is true about how you feel about her in private, then I think the bigger issue here is not her weight but your need to be liked and accepted.

That’s a tough line to tow, you realize.  Not everyone is going to like you all the time.  No matter what you do, where you live, who you sleep with, what job you have, what car you drive or what accent you have.

Someone, somewhere is gonna have a reason to judge you.  At least in their eyes.

I’m curious why you allow them to have so much power over your life.  Be proud of who you are and who you are with because this is your life — not theirs.  Take a look at the people you are scrambling to impress.  None of us live without our own “blemishes”.

Nothing we can say here can make you feel comfortable, you’ll have to do that on your own, but one thing is for sure, you won’t get passed it until you take back control over your own life and stop giving all the power to those around you.

…my 2 cents…

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Out of the office

Kelly
Brain Clouds

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